MiSs Dreamer

Once upon a rainy night

2011-09-22T10:07:00.001+03:00

I remember that rainy night, when I stood by my window for longer than I cared to notice, and listened to the rain pouring down the quiet and totally deserted street across from our house. It was a beautiful night; peaceful and calming, but I only thought of it as yet another dreary day that added to my annoyingly unfathomable state of heart.

I thought of you, like I have done for weeks; since that day we first met. I closed my eyes and listened intently to the sound of the rain, all the while thinking of what you could possibly be doing at that precise moment, what you'd be thinking about, and whether or not you were thinking about me at all.

I remember that I wished if you'd just pass by, even if by sheer chance, not knowing I would be standing by the window in an unconscious state of anticipation; looking for something magical to make my heart flutter with joy. You passing by, even unknowingly, was that magical something I was eagerly looking for.

Minutes dragged on, followed by an hour or so, but nothing out of the ordinary happened! You did not pass by.. You did not know I was silently calling for you, praying you would hear me and answer my call.

Rain did not let up as early as I expected, it kept pouring down the streets, casting a strangely melancholic atmosphere all around the silent neighbourhood.

Apart from the musical sound of the rain, everything was deadly quiet.. Everything but my heart; it was beating so hard I could hardly hear the rain!

I remember that rainy night..

I remember you..
I remember us!

I am back

2011-09-08T10:32:00.001+03:00

I know I have been gone for so long, and I probably lost some readers who remained enthusiastic about reading my blog and had gradually gotten bored by the long wait for a new post by me!

I don't want to waste the space I have here coming up with excuses that might not appease readers' hunger for something interesting enought to read; all I can say is that life has taken me away from things I used to dedicate time to and enjoy immensely. I do hope I am back for good now though, and that I'd manage to once again win your interest and appreciation for my writings.

To be honest, despite my initial thought that many have stopped visiting my blog and given up the wait for a new piece of writing, I was overwhelmed by the responses and comments I got from a number of readers, and joyfully discovered that I do have readers who are truly intrigued by what I have to say and enjoy going through the contents of my humble blog. I know this was motive enough for me to come back and write like I used to; with true zeal and passion.

This, today, is a promise of a real return. I know that my journey began the day I established this blog, and I intend to continue the journey and have my moments of joy and gratitude to all of you. I do appreciate the time you spend reading what I write. I am forever thankful for your loyalty and the wonderful feeling your comments grant me.

Thank you dear friends...

Without a face!

2011-04-09T18:33:00.000+03:00

Dear No Face,

As easy as it used to feel to write to you, today I find myself feeling as awkward and confused as ever! I have never before felt at a loss for words; when I write to you I don’t think, I just allow myself to feel for you and give way to my feelings to carry me to you, wherever you may be.

Long ago, I thought that once I have found you, I’d run to write the long awaited letter; to a real face for the first time. Back then, I thought I’d have it in me to announce it to you, and let you know that I could finally address you without having to wonder how you’d look like. Now I know it is not as easy as I had initially thought!

As I write this letter today, I find myself thinking about a real person I know next to nothing about, even his face I don’t remember as vividly as I’d love to. Strange, isn’t it? I mean, against all odds, I am somehow still addressing a ‘NO FACE’, though you now have a face and an identity! For the record, I hate how it feels; it is a hundred times worse than before.

Why did it have to happen this way? Are you punishing me for giving you the title ‘No Face’? Is that why I have to be imprisoned within the circle of not knowing? I guess you might have it your own way this time, but I still have the memory to cling to, for as long as it takes you to realize you are bound to me too!

Until that time, and until all the pieces fall into place, I shall leave you to wonder. I have no doubt you do that occasionally, even when you refuse to admit it to yourself. Call it a crazy hunch from a dreamy lady, but that is how it is for both of us; something inexplicably magical is drawing us together, and neither of us knows how to escape it.

Can I break this crazy spell? I don’t know!

Can I stop thinking and asking myself what and why and when and where? Again, I don’t know!

It is crazy, and it feels as though I am walking on thin ice, and I do have a big question mark that screams ‘YOU’. So, if you know the way out of this mess, do tell!!

Dreamer

Don't ask..!

2011-04-06T11:19:00.000+03:00

Here is my latest Arabic Poem.

Has been recently published in the newspaper

That much I want

2011-04-05T15:50:00.000+03:00

In life, it is only acceptable and understandable that we'd take certain things/blessings for granted; as though it is the most natural thing that we should have what we have got. Some of us, or rather most of us, don't usually think of what we have in hand or appreciate it more until it is gone and no longer exists in our lives; when it did exist moments ago, or a lifetime ago! I guess this is just human nature; it is the way things happen, the way people think and behave, not generalizing though.

I have been thinking about that a lot recently; given an annoyingly persistent emotional dilemma. However, there's always a trigger to certain thoughts and feelings; small incidents that could unleash mental and emotional chaos, loosening tight ends and messing with one's head. It is unstoppable, uncontrollable, and maddening at times.

Never have I longed to hold a baby in my arms as much as I do these days. It is like my heart has ceased to crave anything but the blessing of motherhood. I close my eyes and I see myself the mom I have always wanted to be. I close my eyes and I see a beautiful infant held close to my heart, where I can feel his little heart fluttering close to mine; telling me over and over again that he's the most precious piece of my being. I don't seem to be able to shake this feeling off anymore; as though it has become the spell I cannot escape. It tugs at my heartstrings whenever I see a pregnant lady or a mother with her kid. Do I sound maudlin?!

There's this inescapable need to love, and be loved. To become a wife and a mother, and have the life I have pictured in my head for countless times. As a teenager, it started as a fantasy; a girl's dream. But as a mature lady today; full of expectations and needs and hopes that I won't bear to have crushed, I want every bit of that long awaited dream to become the reality I long to embrace and be thankful for and enjoy to the fullest.

I want to experience all the insane things I hear about marriage, and at the same time bask in its beauty and savor its sane and memorable moments. I want to go through its ups and downs with the man I am destined for; if he is somewhere out there reading this. I want to be driven crazy with love at times, and with frustration at other times. I want to laugh, cry, smile, and sulk and do whatever else that comes with the package!

That much I want... That much I need... That much I dream of..!

A thousand words

2011-03-29T09:35:00.000+03:00

A picture speaks a thousand words, doesn't it??
They say it is true, and I do believe so; at least in the case of the picture above!

I was taken and mesmerized by the picture of this lady for a reason only I know..

It makes me think of something I no longer understand.

Well, a picture speaks a thousand words people..

I know what I am thinking, but I want your guesses and an active imagination here..

Now tell me,,

What comes to your mind when you see this picture??

What do you feel??

What does it tell you??

A friend, or an enemy??

2011-03-24T17:18:00.001+03:00

Long before I decided to write this, I thought I’d lost it; the will to defy weakness and despair and stand up on my feet again. For days that seemed to have no end, I thought it’d take me forever to gather enough strength to say it all, to talk about my pain, and be as strong as I have always been, once again. I was wrong though, for I can always use my mind and my words and my faith to prove to myself that nothing could ever break me to the point of no recovery. At the end of every dark tunnel, there’s always a ray of light, waiting to be seen, seeking the eyes of those who have the willingness and the determination to break free from the grip of darkness. The truth is always there, hidden sometimes, alas always there for those who seek it and crave revealing it.

The reason I am saying this is the tragedy that has befallen on Bahrain recently. I am a Bahraini citizen who knows it all; everything that had happened starting from February the 14th , until this very moment. I am not planning to go into details or narrate the painful story that I am sure has already gone international, for doing so would only add to my pain and suffering. As I said at the beginning of this post, those who seek to know the truth will no doubt succeed in their quest, if they have the capacity to think straight and analyze what they see and what they read without prejudice. Believe me, only if you open your heart and rid yourself of lies will you be able to truly see the full picture, devoid of distorted details that would do nothing but vilify it. Lies are everywhere, but smart and wise people don’t fall for them. It is one’s moral responsibility to have a conscious and distinguish between a lie and the truth. I won’t tell you what is right or wrong, or make you see what picture is white and which is black. You have a mind of your own, and a sight of your own; all you have to do is open your eyes wide and see for yourself where truth lies.

During the crisis, so many masks have fallen, and the true faces of so-called friends have come to the light, only so I’d see they have never really been friends! It hurt like hell, but I am glad the big picture is now complete, and is left out there in the open for me to contemplate; thankful that God has enlightened me with the truth. I don’t regret that I have been good and truthful to people who did not not deserve it, because that is how I have been raised; to be good and treat people with kindness and always have good intentions, until proven wrong.

Yes, I do feel wounded, and it still hurts me to think how cruel and evil and prejudiced some people can be, but I don’t feel sorry for being me. I don’t judge people based on their beliefs or religious approaches. I don’t think or act sectarian, and I am proud of that. To those who have antagonized me for no reason, and misjudged me based on their own beliefs and views and lies that know no limits, I don’t think like you do, and don’t act like you do.

A final word to all the fake friends, thank you for making me see your true faces. Thank you for making me stronger, and driving me to stand taller. I do stand out by the way, you know why? Because I believe love conquers hate and antagonism. Flowers bloom at the end of every storm, no matter how long it takes them to gather strength and regain their beauty. Likewise, pure hearts and peaceful souls are what prevail in the end. They are what people remember and crave to be close to.

My story here today, is certainly one of love. It is love that I speak of, never hate, never antagonism. Remember, it is always easy to break trust, and a hundred times harder to regain it!!

An enemy, or a friend??
I guess it is hard to know who is who these days!!

Things I learned

2011-02-28T08:36:00.001+03:00

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend, titled "Things I learned in life", which she quoted from a blog she came across by coincidence. I was inspired by what I have had the pleasure to indulge in. I believe you should all read it, and judge for yourself whether or not you could relate to it. Enjoy!

"Things I learned in life"

I've learned- That you cannot make someone love you; all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned- That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned- That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds you destroy it.
I've learned - That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned- That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned- That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
I've learned- That it's not what happens to people that is important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned- That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned- That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned- That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned- That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned- That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned- That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned- That learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned- That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned- That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned- That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned- That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.
I've learned- That sometimes when I am angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned- That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned- That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you have celebrated.
I've learned-That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned- That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't just biological, but of the soul.
I've learned- That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned- That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned- That sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
I've learned- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned- That sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned- That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned- That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned- That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt in the process.
I've learned- That there are many ways of falling in love and staying in love.
I've learned- That no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I've learned- That no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the time you need them most.
I've learned- That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned- That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned- That writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned- That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned- That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned- That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned- That although the word "love" can have many different meaning; it loses value when over used.
I've learned- That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

A heart for sale.!

2011-02-23T14:03:00.000+03:00

What do we know about hearts?

I know my question sounds a little weird, but if I were to ask you to define 'Heart' for me, what would your answer be? Rationally, the answer would be a scientific and medical definition, and that is: "the viscus of cardiac muscle that maintains the circulation of the blood". My guess is that such a simple definition is what could pop into one's head if asked such question. Well, I am not really looking for a scientific answer for my question, for it is far from what I want to say here.

When I was a kid, I learned everything I needed to know about hearts, for educational reasons. What I didn't know back then, and what the teacher hasn't explained to us is the fact that hearts are breakable. It is funny the way we process information and knowledge in our minds as children, and how we see and perceive things ever so simply and innocently. Had I known that a heart not only bleeds, but breaks easily, I would have gone to all lengths to immunize it against hurt and suffering. If I had known that as a child, I would have taught myself, much earlier, not to succumb to good-heartedness and emotional generosity, I would have avoided empathy whenever I could, and shown nonchalance to those who deserved it.

Just for the record, it does not have to be a man that has brought me to this conclusion. Yes, it is love that weakens you all the time, but one does not have to be 'in love' to be heartbroken. My story is different; I am not in love, but alas heartbroken!

A friend can break your heart, and they do it so bad you cannot break free from the pain, no matter how hard you tried!

I wonder, why is it so easy for some to inflict pain on people who have opened their hearts to them and embraced them at all times, without stopping for a moment to think twice?
Why do we have our eyes wide shut when we shouldn't!
Why do we keep falling in the same trap once and twice! Maybe it is sheer naivety, or exaggerated good intentions!

At this point, I find myself unwilling to process it all in my mind; I am far too weak to search for answers I don't have, or maybe cannot handle at the moment; given my current state of heart.

Once upon a time, I was told that you always get as much as you give. I believed the fairytale, but today I think it is too good to be true, for some people just don't realize that hearts are breakable, and MUST be handled with utmost care.

That is him!

2011-02-16T22:29:00.000+03:00

I have been asked, once, by a follower of my blog about my own checklist for 'Mr. Right'. He was interested to know what I look for in a man, and what could make someone qualify as the perfect match for me, after reading my post titled "Her checklist, and my checklist". At the time, I promised to dedicate a whole post to answer that question; I think it is only fair that I do so because for one thing a promise is a promise. The other thing that made me decide to write this post is my knowledge that some of the people I know think I am looking for the impossible, and that I am asking far too much of a guy! Honestly, there is nothing impossible or hard to find in my checklist.

The first thing I need to stress here is that I am not looking for the 'PERFECT' catch; I am certain that no one is perfect and everybody in this wide world has flaws. Looking for perfection is a delusion, and I am certainly not after delusions. What I seek and hope to find is my perfect match, and there is a huge difference between wanting a perfect catch and my perfect match, whom I want to be perfect for me as person, and suit my mentality and fulfill my emotional needs and go in harmony with my lifestyle as a whole. It is a fact that some people are definitely ill-suited and others do click from the very first instant they cross each other's paths. Is that even close to impossible? Everybody wants to be a hundred percent certain that they choose right, and that they click with their partners. I am waiting for that click, and I cannot force my mind to react or make a decision unless I get that inexplicable and emotionally puzzling feeling that is said to be all a lady needs to know she has met the one.

Now I know you must be wondering who could qualify as Mr. Right. So, let me tell you! The thing I know about myself, and people who know me in person do see in me as well, is that I am a romantic, and a little far from being realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Having a romantic and an emotionally generous partner is very important to me. I like to portray myself as a flower that could fade away and perish if not properly nurtured; emotionally that is. I love to be pampered and handled delicately by my partner, not spoiled of course, for I know men don't have enough patience to attend to their ladies' wants and needs all the time. I'd be naive to think such men exist, wouldn't I?

Here is another thing, I want a man who mentally stands with me on the same platform! I am not saying I want a total intellectual, but we have to at least be mentally compatible. I am an analytical person; I like to see into things and think carefully before I take a step forward, and I want my partner to like that about me, so he doesn't think I am being annoying or sophisticated. I am a thinker; my friends and relatives say so about me! I like to weigh matters and think thoroughly before I react or make a judgment about anything. Am I being a perfectionist when it comes to that?? I write, and dream of becoming a great author almost every day, so I expect my partner to respect that and admire it, not discourage me or make fun of my aspirations! I want him to understand me and provide me with as much support as that I would give and take interest in the things that define me as a person. I have this strong belief that being discouraged or taken lightly when it comes to what I want to do with my life only means there’d be this huge and impassible void between the two of us, and that a vital part of me will gradually die, as a result of which I’d either become someone I don’t recognize or resent my partner for taking that away from me; for not seeing or understanding what I want him to render special and different and characteristic of me.

Unfortunately, our society is full of men who only want to change their partners according to their likes and preferences, and transform them into symbols of a fixed image they have in mind; as though we have no will or freedom of choice, or a say in what we look forward to having in a life-transforming step such as marriage! Don’t we all dream of being liked and chosen just the way we are; with all our qualities and flaws? Why change another according to what we want? Why not accept them and love them without having to impose our beliefs and ideas and mindset on them? Is that what partnership is about? Is it something we should accept and give in to, or else we’d be called arrogant and demanding?? Frankly, I don’t understand how so many men think and act as such! And I wouldn’t want to give up ‘me’ just to satisfy someone’s ego! I want my future partner to choose me for who I am, and love me insanely just the way I am. I do have a strong mind, but I am not arrogant or uncharacteristically stubborn just for the sake of standing out as the ‘Hard to please’ kind of woman. All I am asking from a man is to approach and see me right. All I want is for him to decide and believe that I am the 'ONE’ and ‘ONLY’ for him. It takes charm and intelligence, and I do like these two qualities in a man.

I am not asking for an extraordinary man, all I want is the one I perceive as extraordinary, and right and perfect for me, for who I am. I am not hard to please, or a lady whose heart is hard to win, as much as I am a lady who seeks to be charmed by her perfect match; by the one I have always imagined could truly sweep me off my feet and take my breath away and totally dazzle me, not by out of this world qualities, but by being a true gentleman, a man of respect, morals, and genuine inner beauty.

All I want is to choose right, and be chosen by the man I pray for my heart to recognize, and beat for at the right moment, and eventually whisper to me “That is him.. That is the one”!

Cupid, hit me.!

2011-02-14T11:09:00.012+03:00

It is 'Valentine's Day'!!

Yes.. It is the day that people from all over the world wait for; expectant, enthusiastic, and somehow anxious! Men and women of different ages and beliefs spare no effort to make this one day a 'once in a life time' event, and a day to always be remembered and celebrated with zeal and a passion that knows no limits. Of course some of them have a 'Valentine', and others don't, which makes all the difference! Those who have would expect their partners to go to all lengths to make the day as special as it could get, while those who have not might feel a little sorry for themselves, and would most probably pray for a miracle to make the dream come true! I know it because I have heard it around me for so many times I lost count. Apparently, everybody wants a 'Valentine'!

Though Valentine's Day is not an occasion to be celebrated in Islam, thousands of Muslims do celebrate it extravagantly. They wait and plan for it, and it means a great deal to them. It is the day on which some hearts soar with love and anticipation for memorable moments, and memorable words.

I don't have a 'Valentine', and many ladies out there don't either. Yet, I am happy for all those who have. I heart you people and wish you a life, not just a day, full of love, and that kind of passion that does not wait for a day once a year to come to life and thrive along the way. Don't wait for the 'Valentine's Day' to be happy and love and live, make every day a Valentine's.

To all my ladies out there, don't pray for Cupid to hit you, for it will only happen when God sees it is the right time for you to meet your other half. Just be happy and think about the love that is all around you. I cannot say that I don't want to fall in love, or that I don't think about it often, but deep down I know he is out there, and that he will come my way only when it is the time.

For now, enjoy the day everybody..

Wish you love.. Love.. And more love..

I belong here..

2011-02-13T10:36:00.000+03:00

Whenever I think of blogging, I get this inexplicable rush of excitement, mingled with peace and comfort. Yes, when I blog; when I post a thought, a notion, or simply speak out something I need to set free, I feel just as free; as though I have been blessed with the chance to breathe fresh air, away from all and everything that could pollute that freshness.

Maybe I don't come here as often as I should, but that does not change the fact that it is where I belong, and where I don't think twice before I willingly let you all in on my world, on me; on a person some of you knows next to nothing about! As I am back here today, not thinking while writing this; only giving in to the beauty of the present moment, I feel fresh and alive; like all my worries and anxieties have been driven away by a force stronger than I could fathom.

A blog is a friend, it is a loyal companion that is always there for you, at your times of need and when you think the world has turned its back on you. A blog is a good friend almost anytime you crave a good listener to whatever it is you need to say. At times, you just need to babble, scream, nag or even speak gibberish! At times, you feel lonelier than ever, more confused than ever. At times, one feels as though they have lost all ability to talk, so they write! They express themselves through their words. When I woke up this morning, I knew instantly that I needed to write, I needed to blog. As much as I'd want to make you see it all through my eyes, today I am wordless than ever. Still, I need to write.. I need to be here!

This might be the case with some of you, and for others it could a whole different story, yet I believe that despite all our differences, we somehow share the same passion. When we blog, when we take the time to sit and post something, regardless of what it is, we express a unique passion towards what we do and who are when we do it.

Some of you would understand this; would understand me, and some might not. Some would see through me, and others wouldn't! Nevertheless, I am here, and will always come back to the one and only place that has an infinite capacity to listen. So many things I know, and so many things I don't, but I am here.. I am here because I love to blog, and I love me when I blog.

I am here because I know I belong here..

Where do we go from there??

2011-02-09T11:23:00.000+03:00

Sometimes, unexpected things happen to us; events we haven’t planned or even thought could occur to us at a certain point in time. Yet, they do happen, and when they do, they often take us by surprise.

At first, we question whether or not we should allow ourselves to be whisked away by the suddenness and beauty of that ‘event’, whether we should begin to hope and see beyond what the eyes could see! We start to make plans, we start to hope, and dream!

Usually, we take it all for granted and assume everything could, or would, happen according to how we have always seen it once upon a dream, only because we had an initial hunch about it; a so-called ‘CLICK’! We don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we are being delusional and over optimistic; in which case we don’t brace ourselves for the painful disappointment that follows the ‘Oh so sweet a feeling’!

Sometimes we put too much hope in a dream, an idea, a fantasy we have long waited for to come true, and people we find likable enough to believe they fit into that big picture of ours! Ironically, it all goes wrong; leaving behind a mental and emotional mess; a broken heart and a wounded ego! Only when the storm passes and we are once again able to see clearly, we realize that not all dreams come true, and what the eye sees is not necessarily the ultimate truth. Apparently, we only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe.

Standing at a crossroads today, I wonder why when we start to hope only a little, all hope is crushed mercilessly! Why do we have to cry when what we really crave is a heartfelt laughter, a hand to hold, and a heart to embrace for eternity? Why are we often in for disappointment and heartache when we least expect it?

When we stumble and fall,,

When we cannot hold back the tears,,

When we hurt a lot we cannot find the right words to say,,

Where do we go from there??

Her Check list,, and my Check list

2010-10-17T19:13:00.000+03:00

Last night I watched the movie titled ‘Beauty & the Briefcase’, which my brother has recently seen and recommended to me. I think he knew in advance that the movie would click with me, and he was right! I strongly related to it.

The film stars Hilary Duff as a fashion journalist who works undercover to write an article on dating businessmen, or more to the point on falling in love in the workplace. She had this check list which contained the 10 qualities she was looking for in the man of her dreams, whom she thought only existed in the world of business; with endless men wearing suits!

The bottom line is, Hilary; ‘Lane’ in the movie, finally came to the conclusion that it was not possible to find everything she was looking for in one man, and that sometimes one could end up falling in love with the one guy who is far from being ‘qualified’ for your so called check list. And that what happened to her, for she realized that all the time she was in love with her boss, who had zero of her check list qualities.

When the movie ended, I found myself traveling down the same path she took, and asking myself whether my fantasies about Mr. Right have inadvertently turned him into a ghost of a man, a ghost I have familiarized myself with and learned to accept in my life; if only by sheer fantasy. I cannot say that I have a check list for my dream man like Lane, or that I don’t! What I know is that it is only normal to want to find certain things in the man of my dreams, but what matters to me the most is the ‘click’ thing that has been killing me since I cannot remember when!

Well, I felt happy for Lane; for her discovery and self revelation, and at the same time I felt a little sorry for my hazy emotional state of mind. I feel as though I am turning into another ‘Lane’; believing that decent men don’t exist anymore, and that the time of fairytales is really gone, which actually leaves me dreaming and fantasizing more and more, and thinking to myself “How does a real click happen to people?” And “When and how mine will happen?”.

But really, how does one end up believing, or not believing, in such somehow ‘Realistic” fairytales??

It is here

2010-09-09T17:20:00.001+03:00

It is here, once again
Eid is back..
Eid is back when Ramadhan seems to have only began yesterday!

I am still in Ramadhan’s mood people;P

I miss it already and I feel as though I am bidding farewell to a dear friend!

It is amazing though eh?
The way time passes ever so quickly; drawing us closer to all the moments that we thought were distant moments that won’t come as quickly!

Yet, this is how time works and we can never stop it!
So, Eid Mubarak my friends and I wish you all a great time celebrating with your families and beloved ones.

Welcome Ramadan

2010-08-10T15:04:00.001+03:00

The Holy Month of Ramadan is tomorrow Insha’Allah!
I am totally excited… And Happy… And so at peace with myself and the whole world!

I am in love with this Holy Month, and I wait for it ever so patiently every year!

I hate to speak about how I always feel when the end of it draws close! So I am not talking about that today!

I just want to wish you all a Happy and a blissful Ramadan...
Hope you fill it with good deeds and fruitful Godly acts!

SO

Ramadan Kareem my dears…
May Allah bless us all with his mercy…
And bless the souls of all our departed beloveds, whom I wish were here with us to share our joy today!

They will always be in our hearts…
And we will never forget them…

You are in our prayers…
Every moment…

Whatever has become of us??

2010-08-01T18:13:00.001+03:00

Last Friday, I was lying on my bed late at night, with my younger brother lying next to me. We both had our Blackberries glued to our hands; each searching for ways to be entertained and drive boredom away; either by reading and re-reading the endless broadcasts sent to us throughout the day, or playing games, or surfing the internet aimlessly! At that very moment, I was not that much interested in my BB, and neither was my brother. I could feel that we both were lost for words, or more to the point lost in our own ways! Normally, we would never run out of topics to talk about, or encounter moments of awkwardness as to what to say, because we have always been so close to each other that I have constantly felt as though we could read each other’s minds ever so easily, and delve into a world of mysteries only we could unravel.

I have this special bond with all of my three brothers, whom I have learned to be so close to, and have succeeded in establishing quite an easy and carefree and solid relationship with. I miss them when they are not there, and I love hanging out with them and having them support and protect me at all times. They are the light that guides me through the darkness and the safety harbor that can keep me afloat, and out of harms way! It is how I see them, and I know they would go to all lengths to see me happy , and smiling!

That Friday night, I knew something was not right; I could see it in my brother’s haunted looks and that aimlessness emanating from him! I felt it inside of me too, and I did not need to confront my own demons to know that both of us were miserable in our own terms; trying to understand why and how we have become to be this much in need for some extraordinary event to make a true change in our lives and put that genuine and heartfelt smile back on our faces! When I turned to look at him, I saw my question reflected in his eyes, yet I could not find the answer I was desperately seeking. I inwardly wanted to deny the fact that I was fragile and breakable more than ever, but I could not; knowing it would have been a lie I would soon admit to myself. At that moment, I felt inconsolable and confused; wanting to know how and why I have lost that old zeal for life, surrendering to some strange and smothering gloominess that has cast a dark shadow on me and my little beloved family. Sometimes it is that hard to speak out your fears and anxieties, especially to your beloved ones; dreading the hurt you could inflect upon them at seeing and feeling you hurt!

There is this inexplicable air of uncertainty and apprehensiveness and melancholy that has suddenly taken hold of us and imprisoned us in a grip of iron, which seems almost unbreakable at times! When I sometimes look at the faces of my older and younger brothers, I feel that painful tug at my heart; knowing that each one of them is struggling to make their realities a reflection of their dreams! When I look at us now, I can see how far away we are from where we used to stand yesterday; once upon a time, when even the laughter had a different ring to it!

We used to build sand castles and feel so triumphant merely at being able to protect it from a persistently and incessant wave, whose only wish was to destroy our so called indestructible little castles! But where are we from all that optimism now? Why cannot we pursue ‘the dream’ with a little more stamina and stubbornness? Why do we stumble and fall way more than we did when we were little children?

Whatever has become of me?
Whatever has become of them??

Whatever has become of us???

Hawaiian Birthday

2010-07-23T17:43:00.000+03:00

Last night I was invited to my cousin’s birthday, whose theme she chose to be Hawaiian! We had to dress in Hawaiian costumes or anything resembling the theme itself, for which reason I wore a colorful gown with quite a nice and unfamiliar style overall. I left my hair falling on my shoulders in a natural and at the same time beautifully chaotic way. It looked as natural and carefree as I wanted it to be! I also wore matching make-up, which I did myself; I love to do my own make up. Anyways, what really matters here is the decoration for the party! It was amazing and way beyond I expected! I mean, I knew in advance that my artist cousin will definitely make it look as close as possible to a true Hawaiian atmosphere and environment, but never had I expected her to pull it off like she did. For the record, she is studying interior design and is considered to be a true artist by almost everybody; amongst whom are her teachers. She took part in a number of fashion shows, at which she excelled and has proven to be a person with a true talent.

So, here we go…

She had this drawing placed at the top of the stairs, where we stopped before entering the big sitting room at which the party took place. She drew it herself, and I found it amazing! I truly loved it and I spent long moments admiring it! Great work sweet Fatooma.

Then….. We had to take our pick from the finishing Hawaiian accessories for our colorful outfits! She made them herself, again.

You cannot see the necklace I chose because I was wearing it while taking the photo! When we were done sorting our looks and putting the final touches on our dazzling dresses,,

We did this… Below!!

She arranged these beach-like luxuries for her guests! The girls took plenty of photos on that rug, under the shade of that colorful umbrella. I think they did feel as though they were on the beach in Hawaii:P

After having all sorts of fun pretending to savor the Hawaiian paradise….

We had the beverages corner all to ourselves! As you can see, she decorated it in a Hawaiian way, and filled it with the kind of snacks we needed! Fruits… oh,, and Juice of course!

I drank plenty of that fruit juice! Was so refreshing!

That was also yummy.. Ahem!!

At last, came the yummy food! Oh my, the dishes were mouth watering indeed! All prepared by my beloved aunt! Hugs!!

There was Spinach & Chicken Béchamel macaroni, noodles, chicken and cheese sandwiches, garlic bread, mashed potatoes with chicken, cream and cheese, stuffed grape leaves, Kushari (Egyptian dish), thyme bread, pastries and other dishes! We had our taste buds treated and pampered to the fullest!!

Last but not least, the cake!!

The cake was unbelievable!! I won’t say a lot, because you have the picture to make you drool!!

I truly commend my cousin for the amazing and crazy and enjoyable party she threw! I had the time of my life, along with everybody else! We sang and laughed like crazy, and danced to the beats of Shakira’s Waka Waka song! I had to be taught the moves though! Crazy I know!!

Wow…
That was one hell of a wonderful and memorable birthday part, which I will always recall with a smile of enjoyment on my lips!

Thank you Fatooma!!

You are wonderful and you deserve all the best…
You will be Bahrain’s number one artist and interior designer god’s will!

Hugs..

I love you so much:))

For the memories

2010-07-21T17:30:00.000+03:00

A few days ago, one of my colleagues showed me her graduation album, which she had especially designed and made for her and her family on the special and memorable occasion of her graduation from the Masters Program. The album was extraordinary and dazzling in every way. I enjoyed flipping through it and laughing at the specific meaning of each photo, as narrated by the girl. While she was telling us her story, the story of the time she had; making the whole event memorable and worthy enough of every single tear and laughter alike, I could not help but think that it is always us who truly create memories and make something big or small out of them! Her graduation could have passed as any ordinary event, if she had planned for things to go that way, but in reality she had not; she chose to make it the best moment of her life, a moment to always be remembered with joy and pride!

Her feeling was there in her smile, and the smiles of her family members and her friends. By the looks of it, I knew instantly that she had the time of her life that very day. I did not wait for her to verify my presumption; I knew it before I heard it from her. When I retired to my office later on, I found myself philosophizing about the true origin of our memories, and the way we choose to capture and solidify the meaning and significance of each one of our endless memories; and keep them there in a safe place in our minds and hearts, where we can always go back to them and sometimes do a lot of reminiscence. It is amazing indeed, how a single photo can trigger a lot of feelings and thoughts in the blink of an eye. Sometimes, one could do as little as look at a photo to be swamped by feelings of nostalgia and a strong craving that almost nothing can force to fade away!

It is utterly mesmerizing how our lives are made of a series of memories, which gather and pile up to create a lifetime of joy, happiness, hurt, anger, serenity, comfort, peace, hope, despair, pessimism, frustration, love, passion and so many other sentiments that I just cannot list here.

That day, that girl managed to make me think a lot and reminisce more than I thought I could do in one day! I found my mind going back to dwell on forgotten things, incidents and feelings I thought I had left behind; along with the memory they resembled! I did not know that my mind was capable of doing all that reminiscence, which eventually caused my heart to swell with feelings I could not describe or analyze at the time.

I wonder, though, whether we make our memories…
Or whether they make us who we are now.. today.. this moment!

You can't steal my soul

2010-07-18T13:04:00.000+03:00

When we hurt, we tend to think that nobody, but us, is suffering excruciating pain. Our minds go totally blank, at which point we adopt a new bizarre belief; that the world should stop for our grief! I know it sounds laughable enough, and in reality it is, but we truly tend to think like that at moments of overwhelming sorrow, where logic just ceases to exist!

When we are gripped by an intense emotional pain or shock or great disappointment, we become an easy target for despair and lack of faith. We do not think; or rather stop thinking at a certain point in time. When such thing happens, voluntary blindness lead the way, and all sense of wisdom flies out the window, leaving us empty handed, devoid of all hope and resolve and strength of will.

Sometime and somewhere in the past, I used to think like that. When I was exposed to pain, on an emotional and spiritual level, I would feel as though the whole world came to a standstill at that particular moment. I would lose the ability to live normally and just opt for lack of action. Any attempt at dismissing and overlooking whatever or whoever it was that hurt me would always prove futile. It was always easier to let my grief wash over me and swallow whatever determination I had left. As convinced as I was of my unacceptable and pathetic attitude, I was fragile enough to surrender to it wholeheartedly; not minding its abhorrent grip on me. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I guess it is normal and expected that some of us would feel and behave that way! The mind is not always as resolute and stubborn and capable as we wish for it to be; it has its moments of weakness and lack of will.

Reflecting on the past now, I look at all my previous mishaps with a smile of recognition and a look of wisdom; this arises from my faith that every tear I shed back then was not wasted, for I was solely tested by God, and strengthened with every fall along the way. I know that I did not have this perspective and sense of wisdom at the time, but I am glad now that I have managed to learn that every fall that does not kill you, certainly makes you stronger. I know that I am now much stronger than before.

Maybe I did not know that years back, when it was easier to break my heart and my spirit, but time has changed me tremendously. Well, they say that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief. I know that now, and I believe in it. I cannot say that the journey of learning was an easy one, not at all; it was full of moments of sheer despair and skepticism in almost everything and everybody.

When you are back-stabbed, you are bound to fall into this trap, where you stop trusting and believing in others, but what is worse is for you to stop believing in yourself! That can scare the life out of you, believe me. Yet, there are always good people, who storm into your life like a gentle breeze and make you whole again. When they do that, you are completely saved and blessed. Such people, who I like to refer to as angels, are always willing to extend a helping hand and show you the way out of your dark hole. They make you smile frequently, if not constantly. They fill you with the kind of love that never fades away; it is always there, making you a better person and making your life complete in almost every sense.

A wise person once told me that human beings are always bound to spread anarchy amongst themselves one way or another, and that no matter how pleasantly and peacefully life seems to go for you, there is always the possibility that hurt will come your way, and that someone will inflict pain on you and make you realize that life is not a fairy tale. Maybe I did not want to believe that when I heard it the first time, but I did at the end; I believed it and saw the sense in it. And because I did that, I have learned that some people are simply not worth the fuss, nor do they deserve a moment of regret or heartbreak. We are always and forever better off without those who do not deserve us and do not see our true worthiness.

You might wonder why I am telling you all this, well, I am saying it because I know that there are many people out there who have felt what I felt in the past, or others probably going through the same as I am speaking! I am telling you this because we always learn from each other’s mistakes, and this is undoubtedly the best way to learn and avoid what could be avoided.

Always remember that some people can hurt you, they can make you cry, they can even break you to an extent, but no matter how deep your wounds are; never let those people believe that they can steal your soul, for it is the only thing that will always belong to you.

To be able to stand tall amongst a crowd and scream ‘You cannot steal my soul’ is certainly a victory whose value is always and forever priceless, immeasurable and definitely mind-blowing. It makes you triumphant in every way.

The city that doesn’t sleep

2010-05-23T17:21:00.000+03:00

I know it has been a while since I have provided you with a new post to read, and I sure do know that May has not been an active month for me when it comes to writing on my blog. Anyways, what matters right now is the reason I have not written anything the past week! Guess what, I was outside the country, and guess where I was? I was in Egypt! Yes yes, I finally visited ‘Om El Donia’ as they call it; Mother of Life, that is how almost everybody refers to it.

Before setting foot there, I have always thought of Egypt as the country I can strongly relate to, but only through the Egyptian movies that I just love to watch and never tire of watching. I have to say that being there, in the heart of Egypt; specifically in Cairo, has opened my eyes to the true beauty of this wonderfully rich and alive country. I was taken aback by the power and magic floating in its very air. I felt emotionally attached to something I could not put my finger on; I just let myself be! Something magical was there in the streets, in the air, in the buildings, and even in the smiles and looks of the people roaming the streets; whether aimlessly or purposefully. The least thing I could say to describe my state of mind and heart at the time is to simply say that I was utterly mesmerized.

I never dreamed that I would have this strong a reaction towards Egypt in specific. To be honest, I have always been told that the first thing to strike you about Cairo is the noise and horrible traffic and human congestion and crowdedness! Well, I did notice that and saw the poor state of so many buildings and houses and streets, and I also saw what extreme poverty has done to so many people there, but that did nothing to discourage me or take away my enjoyment and the strong attraction I felt for that amazing city! I looked at everything around me in awe and wonder.

I have to tell you that despite the fact that I am quite a traveler who has been to so many wonderful countries before and fell madly in love with them, Egypt has proved to be quite something else; something different and unique in its own sense. It is true that I only stayed there for five days, but that was enough to make me know for sure that I would definitely go back there, only I would stay much longer. Now that I am home, it feels strange and I have this strong and overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I just have not had enough of all the magic I found there; in the Nile, Hay El Hussein, Khan al Khalil and many other wonderful places.

We stayed at the Ramses Hilton, and my room was on the 22nd floor. Believe me, the view was simply breathtaking! I found myself able to stand there for as long as I could, just staring out the window at the vast and grandeur city stretching endlessly in front of me; granting my eyes a sight not to ever be forgotten.

This, above, is a picture I took from my room. Even now as I look at it again, I can feel myself standing there once again; taking in the scene that I know by heart now that I have been there.

Now I know that the places I have been to during my 5 day stay there is nothing compared to the many places I have heard about and wanted so much to see, but I still enjoyed my trip and has so much fun! I went to the Pyramids, and I have to say that being there and seeing everything I have only known through books and documentary films has made Egypt look the more majestic to me. When I stood there staring at the Sphinx, transfixed, I realized that Egypt’s historical heritage is way greater than any other treasure. Apart from my unforgettable trip to the Pyramids, I went to Hay El Hussein and Khan Al Khalil, where I roamed its ancient alleys and had memorable moments that I still remember with a smile of true pleasure.

                       That is me with my parents (Right to left: Me, dad and mum)

One of the things I won’t forget is going on board of the Scarabee Nile Dinner Cruiser, where they had a belly dancing show and another interesting show which I don’t really know what they call. I had the time of my life there because I had the chance of sitting on the roof of the cruiser and watching the Nile giving life to everything around it, including us people. The weather was amazing and the breeze so cold that I had the feeling it was the beginning of winter! I did not want that trip to ever end, and I wished I could stare at the Nile and hear its soft roar forever!

Amongst the other things I did, I ate at the fish market, had ‘Kushari’ at Abu Tareq, drank mango juice at the famous place ‘Farghali’ and of course tried the pigeons at that place called ‘Farahat’, which is by the way the most famous place for serving pigeons, and oh my they were more delicious than Any food I have ever eaten!

As simple as strolling along the Nile may sound, it is the one thing that will always remain engraved in my memory; reminding me of how happy I was to simply take that walk and see the glow on the faces of the people taking in the scene of the Nile and enjoying the feeling of being part of it and its magic. I can still hear the songs they played there in my head, and remember how I felt just being in the taxi and looking at all the things we passed by, no matter how ordinary they seemed to some people.

Now that I am back here, I have this strangest feeling that a huge part of me stayed there, alongside the Nile; enjoying a life that is so much different from my life here. Even the Egyptian songs sound different to my ears here; they sound as though they belong to a different life and a different place.

Should you think that it is magic that Egypt possesses, you are absolutely right in your thinking, for it is pure magic that you will find there, in the streets and alleys and certainly in the ringing of the laughs you will hear everywhere you go.

I cannot say what it is exactly that has drawn me this much to this country, but what I know for sure is the fact that I will go back there and enjoy it all once again. All I can tell you now is that Egypt has a life of its own, a life that will take you under its spell and bind you to it so strong that you will never know how to break free from its hold on your mind and heart and soul.

The Nile is still calling out to me; that I know, and I know that I will answer its call sooner than I think. It is amazing how, in the blink of an eye, I have become one with a country buzzing with life every second of the day, and how I do not seem to be able to close my eyes without seeing the glow of a city that does not sleep!

Cairo; it is certainly the city that does not fall asleep, and the place that will always give you something to think about and hold on to.

Here is a collection of photos I took in my trip, enjoy!

View Full Album

How am I supposed to live without you?

2010-05-09T22:13:00.000+03:00

9 May 2010

Dear NO Face,

The wisest way to start this letter would be to admit that it has been a decade since I have written anything to you. It feels all new to me, for I know that writing these somewhat absurd letters to you is an essential part of my life, without which I always feel as though something huge was missing.

Well, this long abstain from writing is something I cannot fully explain or find excuses for; to myself so to speak. What I know is that I have been trying not to do this; not to write anything, not to give you life, not to make you real when you are not. It frustrates me sometimes to think of you as a vivid someone, a ‘face’ I can easily relate to and paint in my everyday dreams without finding any difficulty in belonging to; emotionally and mentally and spiritually. At times, it makes me feel stupid and on the brink of insanity, but the only thing that keeps me clinging to you is my knowledge that what I am doing is brilliant one way or another. Giving you life provides me with a rare kind of emotional peace that life has deprived me of. You know that when such a thing happens, some of us opt for the fantasy, don’t you? I know I have, and you are my fantasy.

Sometimes, I do fight the urge to write to you, and I succeed in keeping you in the shade for a while, but I always end up missing you, and thinking of all the things I could and would tell you. People-oh- I mean things like you usually prove to be better listeners than some real people. You have the heart I crave for in reality; the heart of a true angel. I miss that, and I miss you, but above all I miss the part where you become a reality, and a face I could see and recognize and recall every time I close my eyes. I cannot say I do not do that now, but the only difference is that I do not see you, I cannot fully see you.

For all the past weeks, I have been waiting for the inspiration I needed to write this letter, and feel this connection with you again. I was lost for that inspiration, and it did not come to me even though I did feel it deep in my heart. I knew that this moment would eventually arrive, and that I would-once again- sit here and type these words for you, and feel the peace of heart you give me whenever I miss you and need you like I do now.

You want to know in what form the inspiration came? It was there in Michael Bolton’s song ‘How am I supposed to live without you’. When I heard it by coincidence today, I instantly thought of you and found myself wanting so bad to write this letter; if only to tell you that I have indeed missed you, and that I cannot do without you. When I sat and typed these words, I realized that I do not need a song to inspire me, because it is you who do that. You inspire me to hope, and dream of the real version of you, and when that happens; when I do that, I know that I can always welcome tomorrow with open arms and pray for better and brighter days to come, days that hold the promise of you, and your face; the face I do not really know by sight, but know very well by heart.

Don’t you agree with me that this is a blessing? That having this much intense feeling for something I believe in is a victory you and I should acknowledge? I know I do, and I know that I will always ask myself this same question: How am I supposed to live without you?

Until I unravel your mystery, my No Face, and get to finally thank God for the gift of you in my life, I shall always wonder, and ask you questions, and enjoy this rapport I share with you; a rapport that holds hope and love within, and fills my life with just as much love in return.

Until then, sweet No Face, I want you to know that I love you dearly, and miss you like I always do.

Love…

Dreamer

Simply extraordinary

2010-04-28T19:56:00.004+03:00

I wanted to write this yesterday, and because I did not have the time to, I decided I would do it today. Well, I might have wanted to write this since the moment I met this ‘Extraordinary’ lady, to whom this post is solely dedicated. I think she would know this is about her, and for her, but just in case; Hadeel this is for you!

Hadeel, what can I tell you about her? Whatever I would say would sound so small and insignificant in comparison to her greatness and the aura of uniqueness she seems to possess. The simplest thing I could think of when she comes to my mind is a fresh flower bouquet, or a spacious garden full of blooming and fragrant flowers, just like the picture above. I searched for something that would resemble her, and when I finally came across this picture here, I immediately felt as though I could see her face in it; with its freshness and simple beauty, for that is what you first notice about her; her unsophisticated simplicity, spontaneity, grace and beauty.

Life is said to be something similar to Pandora’s box; it is always full of surprises, and there will always be something you did not see coming, hidden in every corner, waiting to surprise you whether pleasantly or unpleasantly. My pleasant and blissful surprise was Hadeel, whom I knew by sheer coincidence; the same coincidence that brought me to where I am at this very moment; writing this post about an amazing person, a person I see as a friend and a sister I dearly love. Luckily enough, Hadeel is now here in Bahrain, where I can constantly enjoy her company and bask in the bliss of having her at my side; sharing extraordinary moments; as extraordinary and spectacular as her.

When Hadeel first came to our house, it was like a refreshing spring breeze had found its way to the house and its inhabitants. Every single member of my family fell in love with her smile and her charismatic self immediately; they could not resist her aura, or her laughter and that elegance emanating from every word she uttered, Masha’Allah; please say Masha’Allah with me (LOL). I am not exaggerating here, everything I say about her is the truth and nothing but the truth; she is an extraordinary lady, a lady born to mesmerize everyone who knows her, and imprison them in her world of beauty and charm.

Everyday in her company feels like a new world of wonders. I have learned so many things that only a while back seemed like theories and sayings I would only hear and look over or forget. With you, Hadeel, I have learned to see life from an angle I have never before considered. Now it seems as though I am witnessing the rainbow for the first time, and learning to enjoy anything that comes my way without questioning whether or not any good would come out of it.

It is your capacity for loving life that has cast a new light on my life and me as a person. It is your wisdom that makes me see things simply for what they really are; without looking for ways to complicate them or ruin the beauty that lies in them, no matter how small or insufficient that beauty is.

Hadeel..

You talk wonderfully. You add life and beauty and gorgeousness to everything around you.
You know how to make me have fun; real fun.
You have a loving heart and a pure soul that make people love you without thinking, cause they simply let down their guard and go with their feelings.
You know how to make change happen.
You are the daughter any parents would want, and the kind of wife that I am sure makes your husband a lucky man, and drives him to thank God everyday for the gift of (You) in his life.
You are an extraordinary sibling to every single member of your family, and definitely an extraordinary friend to your friends, including me.

Hadeel..

I love you for who you are, and everything you are, and everything you make me feel with your precious existence in my life and your amazing sisterhood and friendship.

Because you are an extraordinary being, I am writing this.
Because you mean a lot to me, I am writing this.
Because I cherish our friendship and do not ever want to lose it, I am feeling all this.

And because you deserve all the love one could feel and give, this post is certainly about you, and for you, my extraordinary friend.

Missing You

2010-04-25T15:56:00.000+03:00

This is especially dedicated to my beloved father, whom I miss terribly! He is currently in Geneva on a business trip, and though it has only been like three days since he left, I feel as though it has been forever since I last saw his dear face.

I know that, by now, I should have gotten used to him being away more frequently because of his job, but every time he is away, it feels anew to me, and the emptiness his absence leaves inside of me is something I can never get used to. Being an only daughter amongst three boys, I know I am kinda spoiled, and I know that my father treats me more like a princess, but that is not the reason I love him this much, and miss him this much, and need him this much!

Well, I know that we are all supposed to love our fathers and look up to them and cherish their existence in our lives and thank God every day for the blessing of having them at our side, and I love my father for all that, but I also consider him special in his own way, and unique in ways I simply can never perceive as 'Ordinary'. You know, the one thing I wish for so bad is finding a man as special, extraordinary, amazing, loving and wonderful as my father.

Now that he is away, I miss his daily morning call, which has come to be an essential part of my day to day life. Every morning, he calls me when I am on my way to work, and this call truly makes my day, every single time, for I arrive at work more refreshed and a much happier person. And when I am facing a hardship, I just cannot think of anyone capable of lifting the burden off my shoulder but my father, whom I simply cannot see myself without.

I miss his smile,
his embrace,
his voice,
his wisdom,
his loving touch, and everything else I could think of and relate to him, and only him.

My father is my strength, he is my smile, and the centre of my universe. If there is one thing that could totally and completely blow my whole world and bring my downfall, it is thinking of me and my life without him!

Dear dad, I miss you so very much and this is to let you know that there is nothing I want more than to see your beloved face very soon!

May Allah grant you health and happiness and a long life, full of love and peace and content. You are the greatest father and the best gift a daughter could ever ask for.

Yesterday

2010-04-17T13:00:00.001+03:00

I know I have been lazy lately, and that I haven’t been posting much! It is inexcusable I know, but it has been a strange week, or rather a strange time for me altogether. I have not been reading much, or writing, or doing anything at all, and the whole thing seems as if I am standing at a certain spot staring in awe at my other active self; not knowing if I could go over there and be all ‘that’ once again. Strange eh?

When I woke up today, I got out of bed slowly and drew the curtain; letting the sun pour into my room and wash over me; bringing me into full consciousness and seeping into my brain to refresh all the dead cells and put me back on active mood again! I walked to my bathroom like a robot, washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes and switched on my PC; I do that all the time by the way, switching on my PC that is!

While waiting for it to get started, I looked out my window; at the neighborhood I have known since I was 9 years old, the neighborhood I grew up in and had all sorts of fun in. It was different when we first moved here 20 years ago; back then our house was the very first in the vicinity, but later more people started to build their houses and move in here. I looked at the street across from our house; the street that had witnesses my falls when I was trying to learn how to ride the bicycle. When I finally did learn how to do that, I spent most of my time roaming the neighborhood with my elder and younger brothers. Those times will always be unforgettable to me and to them. The three of us were full of life and adventurous to an extent that nothing could stop us from having fun; really having fun. We did all sorts of crazy things; I could go on and on about that you know;P

Now that I stood there taking in a view I am more than familiar with, I felt like an alien to all that surrounds me. I felt strange and a stranger as well. The neighborhood looked dreary to my eyes, devoid of life and devoid of all the fun I knew back then. I spent more than 10 minutes just looking outside my window, thinking about all that has happened from that moment; 20 years ago, until this very moment. I realized that so many things have changed, altering everything during its course of transformation into something I no longer recognize. In the blink of an eye, it dawned on me that life around me has changed, and not me as a person, and that all the while I was trying strenuously to come to terms with this change in people, in life, in habits, in beliefs, and almost in every other area. I was feeling a stranger to my own self because I could not accept that life is nothing like it used to be.

The streets, the neighborhood, the houses, and everything else I saw at my moment of reverie might have been be the same from the outside, but they have somehow lost their glow of life! They looked dead to my eyes because they have lost their interest in life along the way; they no longer fill me with that unique sense of joy, all they do now is fill me with nostalgia!

It felt scary to stand there looking at the things that were supposed to make me feel ‘Home sweet Home’, and not know anything about them other than the fact that they felt new to me! I closed my eyes wanting so bad to shake that feeling off and regain my peace of mind and heart, but the feeling would not go; it kept coming back to me every time I stared out the window and watched the wind play with the trees in our garden. There used to be that huge and ancient hibiscus tree just outside my window; it used to make me smile and feel like a little girl every time I looked at it, it is not here anymore, it died like so many other things, and when I look for it all I see is this vast emptiness, nothingness.

My late grandmother used to have lunch with us every Friday, and after lunch we would always have tea in the living room, where she would sit peacefully and look out the large window overlooking our garden. She looked so happy and content those distant days; as though she wanted nothing more than be there with us and enjoy the feeling of being happy. She died 4 years ago.

When I looked outside my window today, I remembered her, I remembered her peaceful smile. Something about the weather and the sun and the houses and my room made me remember her. I miss her, and I always feel like she never did leave us! She is my link to happier days and happier moments.

Today, I just feel like getting back my beautiful Yesterday!!

'THE' Birthday Girl

2010-04-12T17:32:00.000+03:00

Happy Birthday to Me..
Happy Birthday to Me..
Happy Birthday.. Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to Me!!

Yeah yeah it is my birthday today!

I cannot believe it, can you??
I have turned ~~(....)~~

Sorry cannot tell..!

LOL

I will leave it to you guys to guess

Ahem ahem; the mystery lady I know;P

Well, I have mixed feelings, which I cannot quite analyze or even understand!

I am happy and excited and thrilled about the celebration that is yet to come, but I am also kind of pensive about the whole thing!

It really does feel a bit strange to go through your birthday minute by minute; thinking about what it means to you and what you want to do and what you dream of getting; by that I certainly do not mean gifts!

For me, this day is more of an intense emotional experience; filling me with expectations for tomorrow and the days to follow. I see myself days and months from today, standing at a crossroads, thinking of me.. What I want, and who I seek to become and where I want to go from there.

Last year, on this same day, I made a wish, or two, or maybe three, or four!!

Am I losing count here?

I cannot say that they have come true, but at the same time I know there is a reason why some of them haven't! Only Allah knows why, but in my heart I believe in the 'Why' even without knowing it or seeing it.

I am happy and blessed to have people who love me and remember me and go to all lengths just to make my day special and unforgettable!

I had pleasant surprises and tearful moments that tugged at my heart and made me see how much they all love me and care about me!

I thank them; every single one of them.
I want them to know that I love them so much and that my life is beautiful because they exist in it!

Today, I also thank Allah for my life..

For my health..

For my parents and brothers..

For my friends and sisters..

For having a life that is a blessing..

For everything I have and do not have..

For who I am..

For all I am..

And one more thing,,

I had a terrible day at work today, and I felt like crying and struggled to stop myself from ruining it all!
But then,, I remembered that it is my birthday, isn’t it??

So I decided that nothing is worth spoiling my moment!!
NOTHING!!

Today I get to be the Birthday Girl..

So,,

Happy Birthday to me..

Mr. Right

2010-04-09T12:03:00.000+03:00

How do we know that ‘someone’ is Mr. Right? How do we recognize the ‘click’ that is supposed to occur when the one of us comes across this Mr. Right?

I always ask myself such questions because I find it extremely puzzling; a mystery which I still haven’t managed to unravel completely. I know it is all about destiny and how each one of us is meant to be with someone who has been destined for us all along. I believe in this and I have no doubt about it whatsoever, but I need to understand it and recognize the symptoms, as I fancy calling it, that indicate that this 'anyone’ is the so-called Mr. Right! I need to know it in my heart and feel it totally, so I won’t have any doubts or uncertainties about the whole issue. Not knowing is frustrating!

My married friends always tell me that I should and would feel it if any of my suitors happened to be the one. In a number of cases, I did know that ‘Him’ and ‘Him’ and ‘Him’ were certainly not meant to be the one! I knew it instantly and my normal reaction was wanting to flee the place as soon as I could and never look back! I always found reasons and faults to say no! And I never regretted it in any of those times, with none of those suitors. I could not see myself stuck for eternity with any of them, and I know now that I was absolutely right about my intuition, for if I was meant to be the one for one of them, I would have ended up saying yes a long time ago!

~~Still,~~ I always ask myself the same question, over and over again, how is it possibly plausible that I’d know someone is not Mr. Right, but I would always be doubtful whether someone is Mr. Right? How is this ever understandable or acceptable? How do I make myself grasp the logic or non-logic in it? Can somebody please tell me?!

Some say it is all about the heart; claiming it’d always tell you if the ‘One’ was in close proximity! But what if your heart never does know?! What if it just cannot know that and does not have that radar by which it would recognize the symptoms and signs and indications? What if you were always driven by sense and sensibility? What if your way of looking at it is simply by pinpointing the positives and negatives you see in the guy and weighing them against each other to know whether it is a ‘YES’ or a ‘NO’?? Is that even credible or guaranteed to work all the time?

Okay, so I am sweet, romantic, emotional, dreamy, and full of hopes and expectations about my Mr. Right, but where do I go from here if my heart still refuses to give me the sign I am looking for to know and to believe in my story of ‘Happily ever After’?! Is there some kind of fault in it or what! I mean, for those of you who know, really what is it all about? A flutter of the heart or a mental click in the head?

And,,

If, despite all the uncertainty, a day would come when someone-anyone- comes along, and you think nothing has happened and no ‘click’ has occurred, but something God knows what stops you from saying NO every time you attempt to do so, does it mean anything at all?

I am asking, so clearly I am the one who does not know!!

Daddy Long Legs

2010-04-05T16:07:00.000+03:00

Daddy Long Legs, or 'Sa7ib el thil el 6aweel', how many of you still remember this amazing series with a wide smile on their face? I still do! And every time it comes to my mind, I get this fantastic feeling that spontaneously puts a big big smile on my lips. I was a huge fan of 'Daddy Long Legs' and I swear I would still watch it like I never did; if only they would show it again.

I cannot remember how old I was when I watched it the first time; probably at the primary school, but I can tell you my cousins, my brothers and I were all crazy about it. I remember how all of us would gather in the sitting room in my aunt's house, with that long and narrow corridor where they put the TV, and just have our eyes glued to the screen like we have never seen anything of the likes before. We would sit close to each other; well the place was so small, and the room would always look crammed with the whole bunch of us there, not wanting to move an inch or take so much as a breath. Oh my God, how I would do anything to have that only memory come back to me.

You know what the funny thing was? My aunt; at seeing us so taken with the story, would always comment that the whole show was not meant for kids, and that the storyline itself was not at all suitable for our age! Of course our normal reaction was to look the comment over and continue being mesmerized and spellbound by Daddy Long Legs!

Though this is now nothing but a beautiful memory of my amazing childhood days, I still feel as though it is not totally gone. It is locked somewhere inside my mind and heart; providing me with a unique sense of belonging and making me complete in a strange way! It is a symbol of pure innocence and peace to me; it reminds me of the anxiety-free times! Back then, we cared about nothing but having fun and watching TV all day and playing and having a blast simply by enjoying ourselves to the utmost.

I can tell you that we were completely taken with 'Daddy Long Legs'! Of course the love story in the show was all new to us; made us girls beam stupidly all the while! We were all tears when the final episode arrived! I was like: Oh My God they got married and will live happily ever after!

How beautiful those days and those memories were! I find myself remembering them constantly. Maybe I will get my wish, though, and one smart channel would miraculously broadcast this series again!

Another wish on my never ending list of wishes!

Here is a reminder of Daddy Long Logs; scenes from the show, with a beautiful song in the background that says it all.

Enjoy!

You are mine

2010-03-31T21:25:00.001+03:00

While writing this, I am listening to a song named “6ameny”; meaning assure me of your well being, or tell me you are alright, by the famous Kuwaiti singer Abdulla Al Ruwaished. It is a very beautiful romantic song, which also has its share of melancholy and a touch of nostalgia.

Well, for me the song is a link to a memory that goes back to around 4 or 5 years. At the time, I coincidentally came across a novel whose writer used to publish chapters from on a regular basis, in a Saudi Forum. The author is a Saudi doctor by the name of Mona Al Marshood. The novel itself is called ‘Anta Li”, this is translated as ‘You are mine’. For anyone who feels interested in reading it, I won’t reveal any details about it so as not to spoil the thrill of reading it without knowing anything about it.

I cannot say what really drew me to it back then, but I seriously became so hooked to it to the extent that I spent continuous hours just reading chapters and chapters without so much as a break! I was literally glued to the screen and caught in a spill that did not free me until I was done with reading all the chapters she published online. However, after reaching chapter 43, she made an announcement that she would stop publishing online until she gets the whole thing printed on paper, due to the unpleasant fact that her story was stolen and published in different forums with other names! So to preserve her rights, she wanted to have it printed so the truth would remain that she was the real author. You can imagine how upset we got! Her readers were like thousands from all over the world and no one had the patience to wait. Our wait dragged for months, and the months became a year or two! At a certain point, I stopped waiting and decided to give up on the whole thing.

As the time went by, I heard that the whole thing was finally published! People had to register in order to get a copy of the book from Saudi Arabia, particularly at the official signing of the book. I could not get my copy because I was late and they ran out of copies. I asked one of my Saudi friends to go the bookshop that sold the book and get me one, but they had none! I was desperate, and got really upset knowing I would not be able to finish reading the thing! However, some of those who did get the book scanned the remaining chapters and put them online for the rest of us to read! So, I did finally finish it:) I loved it, really loved it.

Anyways, back to the song I am listening to at the moment, when I first started reading the story, I had this same song playing, and I don’t know why, but it was just the perfect song at the time to make me get into the story deep; real deep. I put it on the repeat mode, and I did not even get sick of listening to it over and over again. Of course I cried like a baby throughout the read, and the song contributed to that.

Now, I cannot listen to it without remembering those days, and the story, and all the details, and the feelings it evoked in me back then. I can literally close my eyes and relive it all, moment by moment. It is amazing how we can always link a particular song or melody to a particular incident. We can always go back in time merely by listening to it again.

This memory, and this song, always makes me smile, despite the sense of sadness it beholds. I am the kind of person who has a connection with certain kinds of songs, each of which means something different to me. The biggest sentimental, I know! LOL.

For those of you interested in listening to it or watching the clip, here it is! Enjoy:)

To be OR not to be!

2010-03-28T18:20:00.001+03:00

I have just finished watching the amazing and inspiring movie “Julie & Julia”, which I have been meaning to watch since forever, but every time I decided to do so, something got in the way, or some laziness on my part; for the sake of honesty. When I did finish it, less than a half hour ago, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was thumping so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack or something. Strange enough, eh?

Well here is the truth about why it has made me feel this way. Throughout the movie, I felt like a message was being delivered to me, like someone was telling me to see what I have to see, and understand what I should understand and believe in. I could see myself in Julie herself, I felt as though the story reflected me, and this one dream that has been chasing me; or me chasing it, almost all my life.

Before watching the movie, my eldest brother; done watching it, told me that I had to see it as soon as possible. I remember what he said to me back then, he said:

‘Julie & Julia is made for you! If you do not watch it at the earliest, then you are the stupidest person ever!’.

At the time, I was puzzled as to why he was that much enthusiastic about it. I asked him why he thought I should see it, and he replied that it was just the thing to get me going and make me realize that I was meant to be another Julie! Now I know why he had that conviction and vision.

Let me tell you this, every minute throughout the movie, I saw myself in Julie’s shoes. I imagined it was my blog being popular and widely read and loved. In my head, I saw the moment where I would finally get my moment; “The Moment'” I have been seeing and living over and over again in my mind and heart. I saw myself being discovered, and acknowledged and appraised. I swear I am not being vain or ostentatious here; gloating about being masterly in writing. I am merely acknowledging something I know I have. Isn’t it always good to recognize what you believe you possess; what you see as a talent and a skill in yourself? Isn’t this the first right step towards real success?

You remember the days when we were still kids; fond of talking and babbling and giving life to life itself simply by having all sorts of dreams, thought to be silly at times? I remember how I kept telling my parents that I would grow up to be a writer! As funny as it seems now, I still go back to the things I wrote back then. My dad keeps a file for each one of us; my brothers and myself, where he kept all the documents and papers concerning us; certificates, cards, scribbles and all. You might laugh at this, but my file has the biggest share of scribbles! There are songs, letters to my parents, short stories and similar writings. When I had a disagreement with either mom or dad, I always ended up writing a letter of apology or one of anger; always checking how much they would endure my tantrums! Okay so I was spoiled; being an only daughter;D

My father once told me that I would indeed grow up to be a writer. That belief somehow grew bigger and has become the only thing I could think of making a reality one day. Believe me, back at school, I would enjoy nothing as much as I enjoyed writing. Even my teachers teased me about my unwillingness and reluctance to let go of the pen whenever I was given the chance to express myself, to speak my mind about any subject or issue. I was good at it, and I would always get an excellent mark that reflected my passion for writing.

So, time went by ever so quickly, and I ended up studying English Literature with a minor in translation at the University. I chose it because I loved it. It has given me all the guidance I needed to become more skilled in what I love; writing. It has intensified and solidified my faith in myself as a good writer, a person who is capable enough of using words to deliver a message, to communicate with people effectively and make a difference in their lives, no matter how insignificant that effect might be. However, the more I write, the more I realize that this is not enough, it is not where I want to stop, but only the beginning of a journey I am willing to take.

“Julie & Julia” was not the trigger to this desire, it was merely a reminder that I should work harder to pursue my dream; the dream of becoming a true writer! To put it right, it was all the inspiration I needed to keep myself going, to finish something I have started but lost the courage and determination to finish, somewhere along the way.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder about me, about this dream I have, about the future I so much want for myself, and the life I wish to lead. There is always this moment when I would ask myself this:

How readable do others think my writings are?
To which extent can I keep people hooked to my words?
Do they see me as a gifted writer?
Do they look forward to reading more of what I have to say?
Are they enthusiastic enough about me, and what I write??

The questions would of course go on and on, until I give up thinking, or give in to my fear of pursuing the dream. Sometimes I stumble and fall, and other times I just find myself gathering all the courage in the world and plan for the days to come; the brighter days, the days that would pave the way for a brilliant future, one of glory and achievement.

As I stand at this crossroads today; asking myself the famous question; Hamlet’s question: To be or not to Be, I find my heart and my mind screaming at me To Be! I think we are all meant to be certain things in life, and to become the people we choose to become, it is just that our choices are what make all the difference, and distinguish one person from another.

For me, I don’t have the slightest shred of doubt as to what I want to become in life. It is just that sometimes I am blinded by this inexplicable and unbearable fear of taking one additional step forward. Sometimes I am once again that little girl with the pony tail; always fearful of falling and never having the strength to stand up again!

To be or NOT to be; that is always the question!

Henna Nostalgia

2010-03-26T17:15:00.000+03:00

The other day I went to a friend’s Henna party. The overall atmosphere was great and I had so much fun being there and watching the girls enjoy their time dancing and signing and having pleasant and unforgettable moments in the company of the people they love and care about.

The theme of the night was ‘Indian’, so the bride and her sisters and also the kids wore Indian costumes, and so did I. For those of you who know the Arab Henna Party traditions, you would know that there is usually this ‘Sufra’ thing, where there would be various kinds of decorations and beautifully designed pots and glassware, and of course giveaways. This is originally an Iranian tradition, but now it has become widely practiced amongst so many people, who consider it an important part of the wedding festivities.

‘Sufra’ could be done in different ways, and now that it has become this popular, you would find endless creative ways to do it. The more I see of it, the more convinced I am of the fact that it is nothing like it used to be anymore. Nowadays it tends to be inventive and also innovative. People are coming with all sorts of ideas to make their ‘Sufras’ look more dazzling and appealing to the eyes!

Here are examples of different Sufras:

Of course these are only samples I have found on the internet, but I have seen much more beautiful Sufras that took my breath away! Anyhow, back to the Henna party I went to, the giveaways they had were colored coffee cups covered with small pieces of glittering chiffon cloth. Inside those cups, there was Henna, sprinkled with red and green glitters; just like the bride’s dress. They gave me six cups, and because I knew I would not use them all, I had to empty some of the Henna inside so it would not dry up and go to waste. So I went to my bathroom and put those cups under the tap, for the henna to be washed away. While I was doing that, I could smell the fragrant smell of the henna. It was so strong that I just could not do anything but stand there sniffing it with a wide smile on my face; indulging in its magical and unique aroma. I am a henna person by the way, I just go weak in the knees at the sight of henna and I would be so proud and jubilant every time I had my hands painted with henna.

The one thing you probably do not know about what henna does to me is that it fills me with a strange and overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I did experience it while I was washing those cups of the henna. It always reminds me of something ancient and pure and worthy. It makes me think of happiness in the true sense of the word. When I smell henna, I see myself going back in time, when my cousins and I would have our hands painted with henna for Eids and weddings. That was always the first thing we thought of, amongst our other endless preparations for Eids and wedding parties alike.

Henna makes me nostalgic for days that would never come back, for a childhood I will always remember with pride and fondness.

Henna is a symbol for the past, and a future I cannot fully see. It is a token of love and remembrance, and a ticket to a rare kind of joy and happiness. It is the identity that has preserved its value over so many generations which I cannot even keep track of.

It is love.. It is joy.. It is the smile of a happy and a proud bride. It is learning how to belong to something that spiritually means a lot to you.

Henna…
It is my secret nostalgia!

Love You,, Love Life

2010-03-23T17:37:00.000+03:00

Today, I woke up feeling extra fresh, and extra happy! I know that we are supposed to frequently-if not always-have that touch of hope and willingness to love life just the way it is, because it feels right to be hopeful and optimistic, but we are humans after all, and it is perfectly normal to usually not be over the moon! We all have our ups and downs, for this reason, I stopped asking myself why I am not feeling good about myself and about everything at certain times! Anyways, back to the point, I woke up all happy and smiling today; don’t ask me why though;P

It just happened! No reason at all. So, I made myself a steaming cup of coffee, and boy it felt unusually good. Well, I guess it had something to do with my buoyant self!

So, all through the day, I kept smiling almost to everybody at work, and felt extremely exuberant that I just could not let myself get frustrated over anything or let any silly incident ruin my contagiously pleasant mood. I almost felt like telling everybody that they should wipe the frown off their faces and put on a smile, no matter how small a smile it is! I know that one little smile could make all the difference in someone’s life. For all you know, it could light up the world for someone who has been waiting-forever- just to see that smile brighten your face, and brighten his/her day just as much.

We usually spend our days sulking over trivial things, and waste our time dwelling on the past; forgetting that the future is ahead of us, waiting for us to open our eyes wide enough to see it, and stretch our arms to embrace a promise only tomorrow could hold for us. I know that I sometimes forget to enjoy life as much as I should, but along the way I have learned that every moment we waste is gone forever, unless we learn to seize it before it flees, before it is too late even for regret! Even getting crazy at times and doing the unusual things; things we have never thought we could do, has its own beauty and makes you feel unusually ecstatic!

Believe me, love is the most powerful of all sentiments! It has the power to change you, change the people around you and change the whole world even! Love is magical in its effect and outcome, so it is worthless to waste our time hating and resenting this or that, him and her!
Love is extraordinarily healing, believe me. It is a blessing and a gift from God. So, just love your life, love people, but most importantly love who you are, because loving yourself is definitely the first step towards loving others and learning to love and live life to the fullest.

I love you all…

To Mom and Dad..

2010-03-21T11:58:00.000+03:00

Today is a very special day to me, and I am sure it feels the same to so many daughters out there, besides me. As positive as I am that my post will not be original in its content, as many have already written about the occasion and others will certainly follow, I still want to seize the opportunity to celebrate this happy day and scream 'Happy Mother's Day' to my mom, and to every mother, or mother-to-be;P

I cannot say how much my mother means to me, because anything I could say would definitely not do her justice. It feels a bit awkward for me to try and summon the right words to express how grateful I am for being blessed with a mother as great and loving and gracious as my mom. I don't have sisters, but she is more than a sister to me. I treat her as a friend, and I can tell her whatever I want without a moment of hesitation. She is so kind and understanding that I sometimes hate myself for making her sad, if only for a second!

I love you so much mom, and I want you to know that my life means nothing without you! You make me a better person, and your beautiful smile only can light up my world. If I ever did anything to upset you in any way, I am so sorry!

May Allah bless you and grant you happiness and health and that unique smile of yours that means the world to me and my brothers.

Though most people consider this Mother's Day only, I always think of it as Family's Day. My brothers and I always celebrate it with both mom and dad. We buy gifts for the both of them. As much as a mother is loved and appreciated, a father should be appreciated and cherished just as much.

If it weren't for my father, I would not have become the person I am today. He is my example in life, and I take after him in so many ways that I sometimes just cannot contain the pride and sense of triumph such knowledge fills me with. I have learned a lot from him, and there are yet endless lessons to be learned along the way.

I love you dad.

Mom,, dad
You are the best gift one could ever get.
And I am totally blessed and loved for having you.

Happy Family's Day

Nearly Impossible.!

2010-03-17T21:32:00.000+03:00

There are things in life that I do not expect to do, not now, and not in the near future! Well, maybe, just maybe, a day would come when I'd find the guts to do some of them; but most certainly not all of them!!

I don't expect to ever be free of my obsession with shopping;P
I don't expect to overcome my fear of locusts and cockroaches!
I don't expect myself to have the guts to open my eyes at night after I hear any sound I think of as freaking scary!
I don't expect myself to stop worrying about my weight any time soon!
I don't think I can bring myself to find any excuse to a hypocrite!
I don't think I can be a total optimist.
I don't expect to stop blushing in a an extremely noticeable way whenever I receive a compliment or a reproof, or when I get embarrassed for any reason at all!
I don't think I can gather enough courage to act rude to rude people, even at the times I ache to do so.
I don't expect to stop being so romantic to the extent that I just cannot stop wanting and craving things that cease to exist; or so I have been told.
I don't expect to ever become the kind of person who emotionally heals fast.
I don't think I have the ability to forgive people who have back stabbed me when I did nothing to deserve that.
I don't expect to be rid of my passion for chocolate.
I don't think the day would come when I would fall out of love with everything Italian;D
I don’t expect to be able to hold back the tears every time I watch ‘Gone with the Wind’, or stop sighing whenever I watch ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, or not be spiritually and emotionally and mentally overwhelmed when I watch ‘V for Vendetta’!
I don't expect to break free from this intense feeling I have for traveling, having fun, watching movies, reading, writing, being a dreamer;a silly romantic sometimes, and most important of all I don't expect and don't want to stop being me; just the way I am.

I cannot decide when I will or won't do any of the above;P

Don't say a word..!

2010-03-14T15:54:00.000+03:00

We all have secrets, and we all have issues that we'd rather keep to ourselves and never let anyone on in. We probably do this because we prefer to have some privacy, but sometimes we do it because we choose to not reveal some things in fear of appearing fragile and breakable before the eyes of the people surrounding us!

You are definitely wondering about my secret at the moment.

And, you are most probably asking yourself about this thing I am attempting to reveal here.

Don't try too hard, for I am here to unravel the mystery myself!!

When I open my blog to post something new, I always feel like coming home, like I have been lost in the middle of nowhere and finally found my way to the one place that truly comforts me, the place that makes me feel at peace with myself and the whole world.

When I blog, I am free of any and every fear that might prevent me from talking to you freely. When I touch the keyboard, I don't think twice before letting my words fly high to reach you; every single one of you out there. My blog is my haven.. It is my refuge.. It is my little paradise.. It is where I am totally and completely free; free to speak.. Free to scream.. Free to cry.. And laugh.. Free to present you with the chance to see through me, to know me, to understand the real me.

I am not here today to talk about my love for my blog; I think you all know that by now;P

I am here to set me free.. To say the thing that I have been dreading to say out loud because I did not want people to think of me as a complainer, or see me as someone who does not accept what has been destined for her by Allah; that is not having a sister.

Here goes, the secret is out; I am sad because I do not have a sister!! Do not say a word, though;D

I know I am not the only one who does not have a sister, and I swear I thank Allah every minute for blessing me with friends who are closer to me than anybody, and whom I cannot see life without because they are an essential part of me, without whom I know I cannot survive.

It is just that sometimes loneliness closes in on me, suffocates me beyond reason.. Beyond comprehension; making me blind with a strange kind of grief, one that does not give me the chance to breathe properly because it sucks all the air out of my little world.

Last night, while lying on bed trying so hard to lull myself to sleep with pleasant thoughts, I found myself wishing so bad I had a sister, with whom I could babble till late at night, and go crazy with like sisters normally do, without once stopping to think whether or not she'd understand me at all times.

I could not stop myself from imagining what it'd feel like to have that sister stay with me in the same room, with her bed right next to mine, when on the weekends we would get ready for sleep, but would end up talking and talking and talking about all the silly and non-silly things in the world until time ceases to exist for us, or until one of us falls asleep mid sentence! Now how beautiful do you think that image is??

When I have such thoughts, I feel so lonely, and so bereft that I could hardly hold the tears back. At such moments, all I wish for is the ability to block the tantalizing 'I wish for this' and 'I wish for that' and stop myself from turning into a bitter version of myself. When loneliness chooses to pay me a visit, I pray for peace of mind and heart to conquer it and put the smile-My smile- back on my face.

Truth is I sometimes cannot help but fall victim to such negative thoughts and sentiments, but I am still thankful for all the happy and wonderful and extraordinary moments I got and still get to live with all my friends/sisters out there. You know yourselves and you know how much I love you and Will always do. I will never stop being there for you all whenever you need me.

To all of you who happen to read this, and who have real sisters, keep them safe all the time. Show them how much you love them and treasure every moment you spend with them. Don’t ever underestimate the value of your sister; a sister is a treasure that only those who are deprived of know what it is like not to have.

Love your sisters..
Treasure them..

Love.. Hate!!

2010-03-09T22:52:00.000+03:00

When I wrote this, my mind was totally blank! The idea came to me quite unexpectedly, but I loved it all the same, and so I decided to share with you my arbitrary thoughts here!

I love it when I wake up in the morning and remember that it is a day off; meaning I can still sleep more!

I love the feeling I get when I know that someone thinks I am cute;P

I love the idea of falling in love.. madly.. deeply

I love lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling, with my mind devoid of any thought!

I love travel to the extent of being able to close my eyes and see myself in a new place everyday.

I love romantic movies that tug at my heart and drive my pulse to go haywire.

I love the idea of running out in the rain and laughing like crazy. Never stopped dreaming of doing this!

I love the feeling of soft wet sand on my bare feet.

I love it when I cook and others commend my cooking.

I love it when the sky is so full of bright stars at night that it makes you feel as though you are lost in a world of sheer fantasy.

I love how it feels when the wind blows through my hair and caresses my cheek like a gentle hand.

I love listening to the things that always lift one's spirits up and fill them with hope.

I love you all as you read this at the moment.

I hate it when some people pretend to know me very well, when the truth is they don’t know anything and don’t care to know.

I hate the intense feeling of remorse over anything I promised myself not to do, and ended up doing!

I hate it when I want to stand up for myself so bad it hurts, and fail to do so repeatedly.

I hate not being in control of my life!

I hate watching some people act so mean towards those who least deserve it.

I hate getting all worked up about things I know in my heart are not worth the fuss!

I hate it when girls stare other girls up and down for no reason at all! Isn’t that born out of sheer jealousy?

I hate the feeling of helplessness and uncertainty.

I hate it when I cannot sleep at night.

I hate the sound of the alarm early in the morning.

I hate it when the vain ones try to impose their beliefs and perspectives in life on you and criticize you for not wanting to be as vain as they are!

I hate not being able to express myself properly when I need that the most!

I hate me when I don’t blog;P

Who am I??

2010-03-05T00:46:00.000+03:00

The other day, one of my cyber friends asked me to tell her more about myself; we were trying to learn more about each other. For a few moments, I just sat there staring at the screen and thinking of what I was going to say next. I could feel my fingers going still on the keyboard in the middle of my short lived stance. I mean, it is fairly difficult to describe yourself to people, to talk about yourself from your own angle and perspective. I did feel at a loss of words at that instant, and for the first time in a while I asked myself that one question: Who am I?

By this question I don't mean to question my personality or aim for an attempt to know myself more, or dig deeper into my soul to discover things I might not know about myself, for at the end of the day nobody knows you better than yourself! What I am trying to say here is that it felt awkward for me to search for the right words to portray myself as I should do, and make the whole picture clear and readable enough for those who do not know me in person, the people who might, at this very moment, be reading my words and wondering about the lady behind the screen; the lady who calls herself Miss Dreamer.

Well, for a start I see myself as a dreamer; a big dreamer so to speak. I enjoy day dreaming to the extent that I can close my eyes and see the future life that I would like to lead in a matter of minutes. When I dream, I dream big. When I drift away with my mind and my imagination, I can always come up with stories that I long to star in and turn into a vivid reality one day. I am not saying that reality ceases to exist for me, because if it weren't for my urge to use my mind a lot and analyze almost everything before putting it into action, I would not have managed to survive the cruelty of today's world, what with the marshmallow like heart I happen to have! What I am saying here is that I am so emotional that I sometimes wish for my heart to never feel things the way it does; it is constantly making me wish for and crave things that are said to only exist in fairytales.

It is very easy to make me happy, to make me smile, and at the same time the littlest things can turn my whole world into ashes and make me cry! Sometimes I wonder if it is a bad thing to be so emotional, so easily moved, so easily touched from the inside. Well to some people it might be, but I believe one better be passionate and sensitive than callous and unfeeling!

I do not know what else I could say about myself, because it is indeed proving difficult to elaborate more about me, about who I am! However, I cannot help but see what I want and dream about in my mind's eye. I can see myself bumping into my destiny; the man behind the mask, No Face, my knight in shining armor. I can see myself holding hands with him, loving him, needing him; the one I am still waiting for to paint my dreams with the colors of the rainbow. I can see myself becoming a mother to a cute little baby, cuddling it, holding it close to my heart, feeling its heartbeat in the very depth of my soul, laughing, and giggling, and going crazy with the kind of happiness that only such a future could bring. On top of all that, I see myself becoming a universal author; the author I have longed to become, for longer than I can even remember.

Who am I??

I am simply a lady who has dreams, and also fears.

I know the smile,, the laughter,, yet I can sulk like a baby at times;P

I have strengths, but I do have my weaknesses as well.

I can be so yielding at times, but that does not stop me from opting for stubbornness

whenever necessary.

I am the realist, but also the biggest dreamer alive;P

(Aren’t I exaggerating a little-chuckling to myself-

I enjoy being around my family and friends to the extreme.

I totally find pleasure in snuggling comfortably under the covers to read a romantic book, and smile and laugh and even cry once I get so much into it.

I love life, and I pray for it to love me back just as much.

Who am I??

I sure am not perfect, for nobody ever is, but I like who I am, and am proud to say so.

P.S: This post is especially dedicated to my friend Texan. You inspired me to write this post. Thank you dear:)

Moments of Grief

2010-03-02T19:48:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, my cousin’s husband passed away; he has been sick for some time, yet his death came as a surprise to as all, something we could not bring ourselves to believe! I cannot say we did not expect it, as his condition deteriorated rapidly the past few days, but the loss was devastating in its painful effect on all of us.

It is Allah’s will and that is something we should accept and learn to deal with, that I know, but I cannot help but remember him, the way he always approached with that noticeably lovable and attractive aura of his, and the smile we all knew by heart. He was such a pure hearted man that every single person who knew him loved him instantly, unconditionally!

Seeing my cousin now; tearful, broken and lost without him, makes me want to run away so I would not see that haunted look in the depth of her eyes! I can see how scary and bleak her life already is without him, and how much of an overwhelming responsibility raising her still young two boys would definitely be, yet I know that we can do nothing but be with her, support her and console her as much as we can.

Losing that wonderful and rare man is a great and terrible loss indeed, but I pray for Allah to grant my dear cousin the patience and strength of heart and faith to go on with her life and raise her kids just as wonderfully as she always has.

We are all here for you Fatima and will always be. Remember how much we love you.. Remember that you are never alone with us around you.

May Allah grant Jaffar’s soul peace and have mercy on him. To Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return.

In need of prayer…

2010-02-28T00:12:00.000+03:00

My Cousin's husband is very sick and in an extremely critical condition at the moment. He needs Our prayers, and believe me every single prayer any of you utters is certainly needed and appreciated.

Please pray for him..

ربى إنى مسنى الضُر و أنت أرحم الراحمين

اللهم اشفه شفاء ليس بعده سقما أبدًا

اللهم خذ بيده اللهم احرسه بعينك التى لا تنام

و اكفه بركنك الذى لا يرام

واحفظه بعزك الذى لا يُضام

و اكلأه فى الليل و فى النهار

وارحمه بقدرتك عليه أنت ثقته ورجائه

يا كاشف الهم يا مُفرج الكرب يا مُجيب دعوة

المُضطرين

اللهم ألبسه ثوب الصحة والعافية عاجلاً غيرآجلاً يا أرحم الراحمين

اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه

اللهم آمين

Falling in love with blogging

2010-02-25T23:42:00.001+03:00

When I first established my blog, I did not know that I was a blog person; I did it because I was encouraged to do so by so many people around me, who obviously knew at the time that I could and would be able to succeed in making my blog a readable one. I am not showing off or being vain here, I am merely saying that I am thankful that I have entered the exciting world of blogging.

I remember how uncertain and scared I was at the beginning; I did not know whether or not I could make myself interesting enough as a blogger, and I did not know if I would be able to paint my posts with the colors I loved, and portray them the way I wanted. For me, the quality of my writing was more important than anything else; I wanted to have that touch and skill by which I could engage people who took the time to visit the blog, and I most certainly wanted to be capable of weaving magic with my words. Does that sound strange? I sure hope not! I did not know until I created the blog and started writing in it frequently that it would become an essential part of my life, I did not expect to fall in love with blogging the way I did, and still do.

I know that I do not write as much as I want to, but I still enjoy the thrill that overwhelms me every time I post something new. The pleasure and gratitude that washes over me every single time I find a new comment on any of my posts is beyond description, and the discovery that an additional fan has joined my blog and decided to be a follower makes me want to jump up and down from excitement. Now don’t laugh at this;P

There is not really a criteria that I stick to whenever I decide to post something new; I just do it when a new thought pops into my head, or when I feel that persistent and strong urge and need to let something out, to express a notion or an emotion! Through blogging, I have found a way to speak to people, and have them speak back to me. Through blogging, I discovered a heavenly refuge that nothing can replace. It is very strange how easily and naturally words flow when I sit on my chair and face the screen to write anything new. It is magic, and it is the one thing that truly sets me free, on a constant basis. The refreshing thing about blogging it is the way it makes me feel as though an invisible, yet a powerful, connection is formed between me and people I know, and others I do not know; all through the power of words, and expressions, and ideas. When I write, I feel as though I am completely known and familiar to every single person who reads my words, and thus reads me!

Though I would love to write and update my blog more frequently and on a much steadier pace, that does not change the fact that I enjoy writing here, whenever I get the chance to do so. It is like I am born anew every time I publish a new post and learn that it has intrigued various readers to a satisfying degree. And believe me, if I had known before that blogging would give me such pleasure, joy and content, I would have established my blog much much earlier.

So, for the love of blogging, I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have encouraged me to create this magical little world of mine. A special thank you also goes to all of you who take the time to visit my blog and take interest in what I have to give and for providing me with more than enough motivation to keep going.

Thank you for making me enjoy this.. For making me love it and believe in it and in myself.. Thank you for making me fall in love with blogging over and over again.

My Valentine..

2010-02-14T23:14:00.000+03:00

14 February 2010

Dearest No face,

I still find it fairly difficult to communicate with you after long intervals of absence, such as this one! I know it has been a while since I last wrote any letter to you, and as inexcusable as this might be, I find myself unable to justify it properly, to myself, let alone to you! It is strange, isn’t it? For someone to get this much attached to a phantom, an illusion, a fantasy that relates in no way to reality. Yet, I am always full of excitement whenever I grab my pen and write yet another letter to you.

There is this strangest and most powerful feeling overwhelming me at this very moment, while I am writing this to you. I cannot quite explain it, and I wonder if you would even get it, but I am happy and joyful in a way that I haven’t felt for quite sometime. Every word, every expression, and every single sentiment accompanying these words here is true in every sense, that much I want you to know, and that much I certainly want you to believe, for the fact that you are a No Face does not change the truth that I am pleased by your existence in my life, no matter how crazy or laughable this might sound to some. Every single one of us out there needs something to cling to, to believe in, to find consolation in. When I think of you, and when I write to you, I find all the consolation I need, and more importantly, I find content, and the smile that everybody wants to see drawn on their lips.

You know, until late this morning, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day! It took me sometime to make the connection, and when it hit me that it was indeed February the 14th; Valentine’s Day, I was disoriented for a moment or so. I thought to myself, here comes another Valentine’s Day without your real presence in my life. This day would have turned out differently if you were for real, and I would have been a happier woman, don’t you think?

They say everything happens for a reason, and there is a perfect time for every occurrence in life. I cannot deny the fact that your absence makes me sad and fills my heart with a kind of hollowness that only you can fill, completely. However, an inexplicable intuition; stronger than anything else, keeps telling me that you are closer to me than ever, that I’ll finally get to see you, and fall in love with you, only this time for real.

I believe in Allah,, in destiny,, and I also believe in you,, in my love for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day my Sweet Valentine..

Love,
Zainab

Avatar… more than a movie!

2010-01-29T23:07:00.000+03:00

I have finally seen the legendary movie “AVATAR”, the movie I have heard a lot about; from almost everybody, the movie that has evoked the most stunning reaction worldwide! For me to say that James Cameron is an exceptionally brilliant director and writer will certainly not add to this genius’s history of outstanding creations, for he is indeed a Genius, without me having to say that about him! And anything I would say here won’t serve this movie; Avatar, justice!

Throughout the 162 minutes movie runtime, I was literally glued to my seat, just like every other person in the cinema, and I truly felt like all of us could not and would not dare blink, for the fear of missing a second of it all! Everything about the movie was extraordinary, outstanding, spellbinding and certainly mind blowing. To feel like you are no longer in the real world, no longer on planet earth, is a feeling you won’t get in any movie other than avatar, believe me!

I was there, in Pandora, and I could feel and touch life, to the last little detail. I could no longer pay attention to the people around me, I could not even open my eyes to the fact that I was watching a movie. The hypnotic and mind blowing effect of it makes you forget where you are; it just takes you beyond time and beyond place, right to the heart of Pandora, right in the middle of the navii.

Usually, I am not short of words or expressions, but right at this moment, I find myself struggling to come up with the right words to describe my experience, watching this visually, emotionally and spiritually mesmerizing movie. I swear I did not want it to end, I just wanted it to last for as long as it could get, for it was one of the best cinematic experiences ever. There is so much about it that one cannot but surrender to its magic; to the spiritual richness it beholds.

When I left the cinema hall, I felt like I was walking on air, like my mind and heart and soul no longer belonged to me, they were floating in Pandora, relishing a sensation so rarely found! The experience avatar puts one through does not end as the movie comes to an end, it lingers with you for longer than you would expect. The sense of amazement, and that perplexing emotional peace you get out of it seem to stay with you endlessly, forcing you to lose yourself to it completely.

“ I See You ” is what I can also say to Avatar! To the epic that has touched me so deep that I failed to hold back the tears more than once, throughout all the magic it held for me to capture.

Believe me, you do not want to miss the movie that truly has a soul of its own! The movie that is more than just a movie, and so much more than an epic.

Heartbroken…

2010-01-25T17:19:00.001+03:00

It is believed that the easiest way to get your heart broken is to love; to open up to someone, to trust them with your heart, to believe that your soul is safe with them. When you do all that, you are bound to get hurt, and eventually have your heart broken!

When you like someone so immensely that you literally freak out when they are not around, fear of getting hurt or even slightly neglected by those same people becomes your companion. You stop seeing and thinking and believing that your life is beautiful without them being an essential part of it, for you only see the rainbow through their eyes. When the people you love almost become the centre of your existence, every minute you spend without them becomes meaningless, tasteless and most certainly lifeless. When they smile, your world lights up. When they cry, your whole existence turns into something darker than your worst nightmare!

To love unconditionally, infinitely and wholeheartedly is to be totally exposed before the ones you love. You leave none of your sentiments hidden or unrevealed, because deep down you believe that what you give is always what you get. However, that is not always the case, for you cannot always expect others to be as emotional and loving as you are. If that was the way love worked, everybody would have been spared the heartache and no tears would ever have been shed! Sadly, people are not the same, and they can never be.

To love is to be inexplicably blinded by the sheer intensity of your need to your beloved ones. Yet, and against all odds, you never question your emotional hunger for their presence, their smile, their words, even at the times they drive you nuts!

It is only love that has the power to transform most people into fragile individuals, whose hearts are left unprotected against the hurt that could and would probably go their way; piercing their naked souls, penetrating them to the very core. The pain, once fully acknowledged, is unbearable, unthinkable, and most definitely unimaginable.

When you love someone, whether a lover, a relative, or a friend, you are never immune to cruelty, injustice or hurt. When you love, you don’t brace yourself for the fall. It is only when you take the full force of the fall that you realize you are seriously wounded, only to discover that the bleeding is in your heart, and that you are heartbroken!!

Do nosy people ever stop being nosy?!

2010-01-11T18:26:00.001+03:00

Have you ever felt so frustrated and annoyed, because of someone, that you momentarily lost the ability to appropriately express yourself, or more to the point your anger? Has that someone pushed you to the brink; until you literally felt you could not take it anymore?

Well, it happens all the time!! And it has happened to me so many times recently, to the extent that I have stopped feeling surprised. It is puzzling, really, the way some people are totally ignorant to the word ‘PRIVACY’, and it is definitely annoying how they insist on invading your privacy in every way and on all accounts; always eager to know more, always dying to find out what you are doing, how you are doing it and why you are doing it!

God, isn’t that enough to drive you crazy and wear your patience completely? Frankly, incessant nosiness is unbearable, utterly horrible and most definitely inexcusable! What bothers and angers me even more is the way NOSY people practice their nosiness! Well, for a start they might ask you one innocent little question; pretending to be mildly interested in you, only to gradually shower you with endless, sometimes even weird questions, that eventually succeed in stunning you in a very unsettling way! Yet nothing, even your obvious discomfort at their rudeness and lack of etiquette, serves to deliver the one message to them; that you are truly not willing to let them in on your privacy or your life!

How hard is that to understand? I mean, people in general only speak when they want to speak, when they are willing to share! When I imply a tendency for reticence, then I sure do mean it, and want it. When I choose not to say anything, it is because I don’t have anything to say; particularly to the ones I don’t trust nor feel comfortable talking to! So how come nosy people never get that? And why do they constantly feel the need to know everything about everybody! I swear it is like they are driven by some sort of insatiable thirst to pry into other people’s business, and know things that do not concern them in the least, not out of concern but curiosity; negative curiosity!

Honestly, I don’t think I will ever understand the way nosy people think or act! And though I might not be able to express my annoyance openly, I can still say: Mind your business people!

But really, do nosy people ever stop being nosy?? I cannot help but wonder!

2010

2009-12-28T10:53:00.004+03:00

As the year 2010 is getting closer by the minute, I find myself becoming more and more pensive, eerily speculative, yet hopeful in a way or another. The passing of time has never ceased to fill me with this sense of fearful and also hopeful anticipation; as though my heart and my senses are in constant expectation of an unknown occurrence whose coming to life will either turn me into a complete pessimist or the total opposite.

Time has this magical inexplicable substance that has the power to alter your life, disorganize it, mess with it at times, possibly change you and eventually fill you with endless, even contradictory notions to dwell on and analyze thoroughly; mostly in an attempt to understand the philosophy of life, regardless of how crazy and mind blowing it could get at times.

The clock is ticking, that I know, and with every ticking sound from your clocks and mine, we get closer to 2010. Soon enough 2009 will become a history, probably a collection of memories; pleasant and unpleasant alike! We are likely to drift backwards in time; in sweet remembrance maybe, or else in pure and utter nostalgia to moments we refuse to let go of.

It is only us who have the will and the ability to decide what to make of time, and what to become in time. We can always be hopeful, fearful, optimistic, pessimistic, productive, sluggish, melancholic, sentimental, emotional, apathetic, enthusiastic, bitter, strong-willed or anything else we choose to be. It is us who truly make the change, and it is us who can paint the upcoming year “2010”; only a few days away, with whatever color we choose. We can paint it bright and glamorous and beautiful like a rainbow, or opt for dull, lifeless! Believe me, it is always us who can inflict CHANGE around us.

Now that 2009 is bidding us farewell, I find myself looking back at all its events and occurrences, up to the tiniest little details. I cannot say it was a great year, in all honesty it was not my year at all! Nevertheless, it was eventful. I know that at the end of 2008, I had big expectations for 2009, I had plentiful of dreams and hopes and ambitions. Like everybody else, I so much wanted to believe that 2009 would be my year. However, I was in for disappointments and a portion of heartache.

I cannot say that 2009 turned out to be totally horrible and miserable, but it was not perfect. My only consolation was and still is my knowledge that nothing is perfect and nothing goes to our liking all the time. We should always brace ourselves for some disappointments and moments of unhappiness, which eventually make the moments of true happiness much tastier and definitely worth the wait. When such a moment arrives, trust me we will know how to value it and appreciate it they way we should.

Throughout 2009, I had my moments of peace, happiness and content and others of pain, hurt and despair. I did lose hope on so many occasions, yet I had moments of self-discovery and others of enlightenment. I learned a lot. I cried a lot, but I also laughed my head off so many other times I lost count. Now that it is coming to an end, I can clearly see that nothing that had happened during these 12 months occurred for no reason, for I am who I am now because of everything I have been through up until this very moment.

Today, I want to take this chance to thank everybody who has and is still making me a happier person. To the people whose presence in my life has made all the difference. To those whose only existence makes me determined and hopeful enough to make it through today, and every day.

To my parents:

I am the luckiest person to have you by my side at all times. Dad, your warm fatherly embrace and the kiss you still plant on my cheek everyday is a priceless blessing. Mom, your beautiful smile and the sound of your laughter is music to my ears; you give life to life.

My amazing brothers,,

Ali: You are a wonderful brother. Guess what, I have a feeling that this year will –Inshalla- be your year. Well, it is about time you got married, eh? Come on I want to become an aunt!

Abdulla: You will make a lady very lucky one day. If I could find someone as amazing, gorgeous and perfect as you, believe me I would not have invented No Face!

Mohammed: YOU know I love you so much. You are unique, and please don’t take my constant teasing personally;P

Auntie Nano, Koki, Anoos, Nabooh, Adool and Layla,,
Every single moment I spend amongst you all makes me happier. Thank you for making our times together unique and joyful.

To all my friends,,
A huge thank you for always being there for me, even before I call out to you.

(Umm Ameer): Whoever says that angels don’t exist on earth should really come and see you! I am immeasurably loved and forever blessed because I have you; my dear guardian angel with the golden heart. One more thing, a real prince is waiting for you somewhere out there; a real “Ameer”;D

(Khadija): Thank you for seeing the best there was in me and being with me through thick and thin, from early childhood until this moment. For this solid friendship I shall always be thankful.

(Hadeel): You are a true blessing. It was such a lucky day the day I came across Shelfari, for it was what led me to you. Can you see how lucky I am? Thank you for being you, and may 2010 bring you lots of smiles and blessings.

(Afrah): Thank you for believing in me when I did not believe in me!

(Amal & Hana): The best thing that happened to me at work was meeting you two. Do you remember how much we used to laugh? Bless you!

(Khulood): Thank you for being such a great cousin and an amazing friend.

(Amool): Whenever I remember your smile and your contagious laughter, I know that life is indeed beautiful. Keep smiling!

(Mariam, Nada, Marioom, Meme, Faika, Khokha, Farah, Layoool, Maroom, Shosho, Nadoy, Fatoom, and all my other friends):
Thank you for your sunny presence in my life. I love you all.

(H): Although you might never know this, you have given my heart reason enough to dream! So thank you!

(No Face): It is about time you showed up!!

To all my cyber friends,,
A big thank you for your constant support and encouraging.

Happy New Year everybody and May Allah Bless You All and grant you all your dreams and wishes.

Serendipity

2009-12-25T18:23:00.007+03:00

Can once in a lifetime happen twice?

Well, I believe this to be one hell of a thought provoking question, or more to the point a “Hope Provoking” question! It was written on the poster of the movie “Serendipity”, and it is the kind of phrase whose choice of words will undoubtedly have me end up including the movie in question, whether serendipity or any other movie, on my list of movies to watch.

I didn’t see this movie in the cinema; I came across it by sheer coincidence a long time ago and decided to watch it. It did not disappoint me the least. On the contrary, it made my day at the time and caused me to have that little flutter of the heart, which occurs whenever something touches me so deep; to the extent of taking my breath away, making me want to lose myself completely and unconditionally to a world of mesmerizing heart warming little fantasies that never cease to overwhelm me totally.. completely.. and most definitely mind bogglingly!

Last night, I was aimlessly going through the sometimes frustratingly boring channels of the Showtime Network, and I accidentally came across ‘Serendipity’, again! About 45 minutes of the movie running time had already passed, but that did not matter to me. A huge smile, one of utter happiness, played over my face at my twist of luck. But of course it was Christmas Eve and Serendipity was the perfect movie to play on such an occasion.

So, I watched the movie with a sense of joy, and my attitude throughout the rest of it was that of someone watching it for the very first time! My heart raced with anticipation and thrill. I found myself smiling stupidly; trying to contain myself from breaking into tears at the extent of romantic love being played before my eyes, only I stopped myself from doing so because my father was watching the movie with me! When the final scene arrived, that of Jonathan and Sarah meeting again at last, I could feel the lump in my throat, and I did surreptitiously dab the tears from the corner of one eye. I am a pure sentimental, that much I admit!

When I later went to bed, I found myself wondering if 'ONCE’ in a lifetime can truly happen ‘TWICE’!! The answer was not there for me though, it never was!

He likes me,, he likes me not?!

2009-06-15T09:50:00.014+03:00

How many of you have picked out a flower once, and decided to test if the person you had a crush on felt the same way about you by taking out the flower's petals; one by one, chanting to yourself all the while: He/She likes me, He/She likes me not?!

Honestly, I did that a long time ago; back when I was a little girl with a ponytail, but it was not for a boy I had a crush on! I mostly did it to figure out whether or not I would score the highest grade at an exam or a quiz or anything of the sort! Funny as it may sound now, I did believe that by doing so I could really know my fate in advance! And of course, the same flower act would, back then, apply to all kinds of uncertainties and stuff I had doubts about! Yet, I don't remember ever doing it for a guy I longed to know if he shared a feeling I had for him!

Well, now that the idea has popped into my mind, taunting me to do it just for the sake of fun, I cannot help but think about what it would feel like for me to do it wholeheartedly and for real; thinking all the while about a face I cannot seem to be able to forget, or close my eyes in a stupid attempt to make it go! I cannot help but imagine how I would feel if I were this girl in the picture; praying for God that the man she likes would feel the same way about her! Does it feel sweet, painful, heaven or hell? I do not know, but I do want to know!

Sitting in the solitude and quiet of my room, tapping on the keyboard writing this, I find myself wondering if that someone would ever read this, and if he does read it, would he close his eyes and try to see my face behind his closed eyelids? Would he think of me throughout his day and before surrendering to sleep at night? Would he go back to the very first line just to read the piece once again; only without knowing why he did it?! Would he have that funny yet beautiful smile of recognition on his face every time he remembers bits and pieces of the things I said??

So many questions here and so many what ifs! Only I do not know the answers to them, and he probably does!

Burn brightly.. Never burn out!

2009-06-09T06:00:00.007+03:00

While driving to work this morning, I have had that strange sense of emptiness and disorientation, which kept my mind busy going all directions! I asked myself one question then: "What is it you are not happy about?", and though it took me some time to figure out what it was, I knew it was there at the back of my mind; waiting for me to acknowledge it to myself and admit to the truth in it!

Anyway, when I arrived at work, I sat thoughtful at my desk; trying to sort out the mess both inside my head and that on the desk infront of me! There were heaps of papers and I truthfully felt at a loss as to from where to start clearing it out. Just for the record, I am normally not the kind of person who settles for such a chaos, but the past days I was unbelievably busy that I had to pretend I didn't see all the scattered items and papers lying just before my eyes. But now that I have finally had the chance to put everything back in its place, I certainly did just that! However, amongst the stacks of papers, I found a small yellow piece of paper on which I wrote, just a few weeks back, exactly four sentences. Well, the sentences were actually more of a "note to onself"; they are simply pieces of wisdom, which I have personally picked out and decided to keep to myself so they would always stand out as a reminder of the meaning they hold within. They are the following:

1. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
2. Burn brightly without burning out.
3. Sometimes in the wind of change, we find out true direction.
4. Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.

Well, the story-all of it- lies in the second one; which as you can see I have highlighted in a different colour. Reading it was all I needed to see the truth ahead of me and put my finger on the 'thing' that was disturbing me and giving me such a hard time! I was simply burning out; trying to light the way for the people I care about most! To read this one sentence once again, I relaized I have always been a candle burning brightly to others, but at the same time burning out!! Now that I have fully acknowledged it, I can tell you for sure that it hurts, it really does!

Now, some people may ask me what it is with me that always makes me talk "Emotion", and my answer to them is: it is because emotion is eventually what brings people together, it is the only thing left for every single one of us when nothing else matters; when everything else fades away and loses its value! After all, what are we but human beings? What are we but a pounding heart that can stop beating at any moment?! Sadly though, so many people just don't see that and they do grasp the full meaning of it, but only when it is too late to do so!

I know that some of you while reading this will wonder why I have written this, why now, and what made me feel this way! Well, I guess it is because writing is my way of releasing such sentiments! And what is a writer if not a sentimental? And one last thing to say, maybe by writing this, my message will reach those whom I hope will read it and realize that burning brightly is Never the same as burning out!

I Remember...

2009-02-16T10:00:00.005+03:00

I still remember how it felt like to be a child; a young soul free of all sorts of restraints and worries! Those times were the best of my life, the best I could recall now that I am older, and the best to truly paint these words here with the most vibrant and beautiful colors ever!

Reminiscence of those buoyant days usually comes to me unbeckoned. I never put my mind into doing this, into remembering; memories just play themselves in my head ever so sweetly, ever so discreetly, over and over again; leaving me unguarded and unprotected against their charm and that magical spell they cast upon me every time they decide to barge into my mind and heart!

Now that I am 26, I can still remember how it felt like to be that girl of 10 or 12 years of age! I can literally close my eyes and go back in time to the days when I would sleep over at my auntie's house during the summer holidays and have the best time of my life, as it did feel so back then! For me, those days had been something I would not have traded for anything in the world! I mean, getting the chance to spend days and days with my cousins, all 6 of them, when I had no sisters myself and instead 3 brothers; that was something by the way!

I remember how my mom & dad would let me sleep over for a night or two, and when the time came for me to go back home I would always end up crying and begging them for another day or two! My stay, however, would most of the time stretch into a week or even 10 days! I mean, my bursting into tears did always find its way into mom's and dad's hearts;P

You might wonder what made me crave being with my cousins so badly, so desperately; I would simply say it was the spontaneity which marked every single act of fun we did come up with at the time. It is amazing how we managed to occupy our time with so many different activities, which left us almost with no time at all to feel bored or fed up! Sometimes we would do nothing, nothing at all, and yet we still felt content and happy to enjoy the moment of togetherness.

One of the things I remember that we enjoyed doing very much was turning on the radio on Emirates FM, usually in the afternoon at around 4, and listen to it till prayer time! It is funny now that I remember it, but honestly that gave us so much fun then. Well, we would sit in one of my cousins' room and look at the endless stream of cars moving at all directions on the main road, which is a few meters away from my auntie's house. The house by the way overlooks a spacious open yard, after which comes the main highway, and in the middle there used to be a big palm tree, which is no longer there! That was the view we would stare at for hours, all the while listening to songs and drifting away to a place where we could be all alone with our dreams & fantasies. One of my cousins, who is now married and has 3 children, would just sit on the bed and lose herself to her own personal thoughts which we could not fathom at the time; given the fact that she was not that much talkative.

Another thing we did do everyday, amongst so many other activities, was going to the nearby cold store and buying loads of snacks to eat while watching TV! This is still something I enjoy doing occasionally;)

The night time, however, was another story all together! We would never go to bed early of course! What we did instead was gather; Nada, Amal and myself in Amal's room, lie each on her well prepared sleeping space and talk about anything and everything! Hours would pass by without any of us realizing how close we came to staying up till 3 or 4 am, sometimes even till the sun rises! Apparently we never came close to being short of conversations, for there was always something to chat about no matter how trivial or nonsensical it seemed or felt. You know how girls are; they always seem to find something to talk about.

So, because of staying up late, we would end up waking up a little after noon time! To be exact, at lunch time most of the time! Then, the day would repeat itself, time would pass like crazy and eventually I would go back home, dwell on the memories and adapt to the dreariness of having no sisters! To the loneliness that is!

Now, whenever I feel like smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, I close my eyes before surrendering to sleep and I just give in to the beauty of those memories of my childhood. When I do that, I swear I can see it all in my mind's eye! I can hear us talking, laughing, screaming, silent even! I can feel the breeze coming from the open window in my cousin's room playing with my hair and caressing my cheeks while I sat listening to those songs on the radio. I can see it all, smell it all and feel it all!

I remember the joy.. The innocence.. The Childishness.. The craziness.. The quiet & the hilarious moments.. I remember us being so happy.. So alive.. I remember it all..

A Fan of Kitchens, Part B: Do Dreams Come True?!!

2009-01-19T08:44:00.019+03:00

19 January 2009
6:45 am

Dearest No Face,

Do you remember my letter to you about me being a big fan of kitchens? I know it goes back to March last year, but for the people who have had the pleasure of reading it at the time of its publication in my blog, it goes back to yesterday! So most of them did not know about my emotional attachment to kitchens and my fancy dream kitchen until yesterday.

Anyways, when I did post that letter my eldest brother read it along with everybody else who learned that another letter was out. Guess what, he gave me that nice sympathetic smile and asked me if I was seriously hoping to witness such lovely dream get crushed by the cruel big hands of our painful reality! Of course I asked him why he thought so, and he replied that for one thing a beautiful heavenly scenery did not go well with an environment closer to a desert than an oasis! I then looked at him and said: " Da!! I will create my own heavenly scenery in my own house and make it a hundred times more beautiful than that dry & depressing surrounding!!" Though I secretly wished I could be anywhere but here; in a place where I'd be surrounded by the color green, a view of the lake and snow in winter!!

Never mind that! After a moment of silence he asked me once again if I truly was that much hopeful about my so called 'No face' one day turning out to be the perfect and absolute 'knight in shining armour', who would miraculously happen to be made to my liking and who, again, would happen to fit the image I have about him to the last teeny-weeny detail! And who would of course grant me my every wish, including that fancy kitchen to be!

I guess at that moment my expression said it all without the need to utter it out loud! Well, I with all due respect to realists in this world-including my big brother- do truthfully hope so!

Gosh! What is wrong with dreaming? What's wrong with wanting the best and praying all the while for the fairy tale to become true?! I mean after all it is just a kitchen; in truth a spacious kitchen in a cozy beautiful house with a paradise-like view of a heaven-like garden! It is that simple;)
And yeah one more thing, it should be shared with my no face, who by a twist of luck and a touch of pure magic may- Notice me saying MAY- turn out to be the dream guy with that love story made in heaven! Here goes, I said it all in one long breath!

Well.. Well.. Well! Dreams don't always come true and cows don't fly and it is not raining men; let alone perfect men the 'McDreamy' sort! 'McDreamy'..? Grey's Anatomy? Oh yeah there you go;)) I am a Huge fan by the way!

Okay okay so I dream big!! Let me be!! I might break my heart or my neck or whatever in the course of this dreaming big thing, but that's me; the lady who cannot stop dreaming! The lady who still believes in happy endings, bed time stories, Cinderella and prince charming and I don't know what else that comes in the package!

BUT, it never kills you to dream, it kills you not to!! So, how close to my dream could you be Mr. NO FACE??

Well, regardless of the pessimism surrounding me, threatening to swallow me, I still love you! And I love my big brother; though a complete realist who always reminds me that the stuff of dreams will eventually bring my downfall!

Love,
Zainab

A Fan of Kitchens!!

2009-01-18T05:30:00.004+03:00

2/3/2008
8:00 PM

Dearest No face,

Have I ever told you that I am a big fan of kitchens?! Guess not;P
But now you know..!

Well, I do have a thing for kitchens! I go weak in the knees whenever I come across a picture of a kitchen design in a magazine- I am exaggerating here a little you know-;) It's funny I know, but I cannot help it! Whenever that happens, you'd find me intently staring at the picture and completely lost in thought!

For a start, I'd picture myself the proud owner of that kitchen, or even a better one, and having it all to myself as my special haven, where I'd have the freedom to come up with all kinds of delicious dishes! I'm a good cook by the way, not bragging here;D

My kitchen, the one I dream of having in my future cozy little married nest would be spacious; what happened to the "little cozy nest"! Never mind that, it would be as I said spacious and bright and colorful! I'd love to have it designed very professionally and the most important thing is that it be open on the living room; in a European like style! The other thing is to have it contain elegant low windows overlooking a beautiful garden! The dining table should be placed where that breath-taking view could be completely visible and available for the eyes to enjoy! A dark dreary kitchen is out of the question!!

Here comes the climax of my dream, I'd step into that fancy kitchen of mine, my paradise, and I'd cook.. and cook... and cook! Well, you'd eat it all no doubt! Without me forcing you to do so, though;))

It's good and refreshing to have such a dream; it fills my soul with an intense sense of a joyous anticipation like that of a kid expecting the gift of his dreams on his birthday! It might be silly and insignificant to some, but to me it is a part of a much bigger dream! What I see here is the big picture, and that is enough I guess! Don't they always urge us to aim for the larger picture! This is what I am doing baby!

Now please pleeeeeeeease wherever you are and whoever you turn out to be, grant me this dream kitchen, promise my dear dear no face!

I shall leave you with this splendid image-dream- to entertain you the rest of the day;P

I love you

Zainab

Fallen masks..!!

2009-01-12T06:45:00.014+03:00

Sometimes you come across people, who at the first instant, give you the impression that nothing can ever get to them or shake their balance and that solid and controlled composure they seem to possess, no matter what!

You are almost convinced that they are totally unfeeling and immune to any kind of blow life may direct at them at any moment! Those people, to your further conviction, excel in proving you right by maintaining that callous nature and standing their ground firmly and intently!

Doubt, however, seeps into your soul sometimes and arouses in you that sense of wonder about the true inner self of those people! And you begin to ask yourself: are they truly who they pretend to be? Are they genuinely as thick-skinned as they repeatedly show you in various occasions? The answer to such questions usually end up affirmative!

I have recently come across such people and I have always had that one question about them: are they never scared? Doesn't that infuriating feeling of utter strength and superiority ever waver if only for a slight moment?! I do honestly find it hard to believe that totally fearless person exists in the first place! I mean, who hasn't had his moments of fear, indecision, lack of security, doubt and anxiety?! Which one of us is never fearful at times? The answer to this is no doubt "NO ONE"!!

we are all bound to grow weak and fragile at times! We are all likely to go through moments of utter helplessness and even break down in tears if the situation calls for such a freak act!!

At the end of the day, we are only but human beings; flesh and bones! With that unique blend of strengths and weaknesses. We cannot belie that, and we surely cannot prove it wrong no matter how hard we try!

It is never a shame to admit to weakness and fragility if that is the truth. It is not wrong to ask for help or turn to other people for support, providing they can do that for you.

Today, I am writing this to pass the message to anybody who, for some reason, is afraid to show that like everybody else he gets scared and insecure sometimes. To those who hurt themselves trying to appear powerful all the time even if it means intimidating others in the process, this is an absolute mistake!!

However, to my amazement, the truth behind all those fake pretenses is finally revealed! The masks, behind which fearful souls hide, have all fallen; leaving the true identities totally naked to the eye of us witnesses to that show! Well, I guess truth is always bound to spring to the surface at the end of that creepy tunnel of lies.

So, from me to those 'Pretentious' souls, do not be ashamed of being discovered for I am not crowing about having the shrewdness to see through all those layers of phoniness. This is definitely not schadenfreude I am openly displaying! I am merely trying to tell you that pretending to be who you are not is never the key to any kind of victory! It does not take you anywhere! Your only salvation is to simply be who you are and let people choose to accept you with your flaws; we all have flaws!

Believe me, only then will peace engulf your soul and we shall all see a genuine smile lighting your face at the time!

His 'Hazel' Eyes...

2008-12-27T12:00:00.001+03:00

His "Hazel" eyes,,
they dance,,
they smile,,
they penetrate my soul..

I look at him,,
then I am lost!
He stares at me,,
and again I feel complete,,
I feel whole!

Oh, how I long to caress his cheek,,
to feel that soft stubble tingle my palm,,
hear my heart just this once
and answer its tempting call!

Who are you beautiful stranger in my dream?
An angel??
Or a sweet curse haunting my sleep??

Have I seen you??
Have I known you before??

His "Hazel" eyes..
they dance,,
they smile,,
they capture my very soul!!

هوى الشرقي

2008-12-03T11:26:00.007+03:00

فاصلةٌ بين غيابها والعَوْدْ
وبين صمتها والصوت
حين تعود فاصلةٌ أخرى
وثرثرةٌ منسيةٌ
وطيفُ تنهيدةٍ
هي للسكوتِ أقرب
حتى لتخالَ جلَّ
حديثها ابتسامةٌ يصدفُ
أن تداعبَ الشفتين
-عنوةً-
لا أكثر
***
وأراها غداةَ عَوْدها تُسرع الخُطى
وتكثرُ من إيقاع الاقتراب
-تفصلها عن عاشقها مسافةُ ضحكةٍ عابثةٍ-
ليس إلاّ
ودلالٌ تصنّعته يزيّن خطوتها
كلّما تمايلت بقدّها
ذات اليمين
وذات الشمال
لتستفزَّ بجرأة الدُنُو
وهمسها الغوي
وبعض دندنةٍ جامحةٍ
وقارَ الأشيبْ في العشق ها هناك
ليمسي بفتنة حُسنها كمَنْ
داهمه الجنون على حين غرّة
أو أكثر
***
وبين بسمةٍ من ثغرٍ خمري
وهدبٍ مكتحلٍ حسبُ
الليلِ في حضوره كثيرُ حسرةٍ
تراها في الإطلالة حسناءَ
هيفاءَ
فاتنة
أول حديثها سمرٌ مباحٌ
وآخره تنهيدةٌ
فأغنية
***
وعجبي إذ تصيبُهُ
بالصوت الرخيم جهالةٌُ
ليغدو من فرط انبهارٍ كما الطفل حيناً
وحيناً كالذي ألمّ به لذيذُ وجعٍٍ
فما أطاق من بعده صبراً
ولا عثر له ابتداءً على سببٍ
***
وإذْ تشاكسه بناعم بوحها
ورايتُها في الغَزَل جفنان ناعسان
وأنوثةٌ في الصميم من القتل
يجيئها أكثرَ من الأمس عاشقاً
وأكثرَ من الغد مضطرباً
ليردّد لخيالها بعد الرحيل
-والخَدَرْ له صاحبٌ وخليل-
أيا بهجةَ قلبي
يا ليلي الطويل
يا قمري
أما لنا في فجر
الغد من لقاءٍ قريب؟؟
أو صدفةٍ مقصودة؟؟
أو رسالة شوقٍ عبر البريد؟
***
ولا يبقى في ذاكرة الحكايا
وذاكرته في ثلث الليل الأخير سواها
وفنجان قهوةٍ منسي
وبقايا عطرٍ فرنسيٍ مثير
***
فويلٌ له ذلك الشرقي
وفؤاده بهوى حوريةٍ
سمراء قد اكتوى
وبئس الغرامِ غرامُ
غوانٍ فاتناتٍ
تاريخهن في العشق
فساتينٌ زاهية
ووجوهٌ وألسنةٌُ
بالزيف ملوّنة
وبقايا قلوب كانت
قبل اليوم بيضاء
عذراء
ومن العبث واللهو خالية

A smiley face for the pleasant faces..

2008-12-01T07:00:00.005+03:00

Some faces in life fill you with joy..

Hope..

And optimism..

At seeing those faces, you cannot help but smile even if you are not on close terms with them!!

You bump into them unexpectedly,,

They say hello,,

You say hello,,

You both go your own ways,,

and then you realize that you are smiling broadly without even knowing why!!

After coming across those 'pleasant faces',,

Your day brightens up,,

And you become very cheerful and happy,,

Again, without knowing why!!

It is amazing,,

It is spontaneous,,

It is human nature,,

It is chemistry!!

So..

To all those faces,,

To their beautiful hearts,,

Thank you..

For the 'SMILE' you put on my face thank you!!

For making my day just when I need that,,

Thank you...

No Face.. Happy Birthday!

2008-11-25T06:53:00.014+03:00

Well, it is "No Face"..

Again..

After a long absence and plenty of waiting from so many people!!

Here goes, another letter, the second actually..

However, just a small note, the letters I will publish here will be of my choice,,

that is: I might skip some and choose particular ones, but all of them would start from the oldest to the newest-most recent- in terms of time (dates)!

Today's letter is dated 12, April, 2008

And just so you know, it is right the second one I wrote after that first one;)

Enjoy!!

12, April, 2008

00:00

Dear No face,,

It's my birthday today!! I've turned 26, and it feels so unlikely overwhelming!!
I cannot say why it does, but to me it feels different from my previous birthdays!!

At the moment, I'm lying on my bed writing this letter to you and wondering how this birthday would turn out if you were a real person, with a face! How you would react to it or what you could come up with to celebrate my day and turn it into a very special occasion!

If you were real, you'd definitely be a romantic person, a very romantic person so to speak! Don't ask me why I'm even assuming this, it is just a gut feeling I have about you my sweet;P

Well, birthdays are supposed to be happy and exuberant occasions, but as you grow up they start to take a totally different turn. I'm not saying that because I'm obsessed with age or getting older; not at all! I'm not the least reluctant to declare to you that I have turned 26! Actually, I'm happy to announce that; 26 for me is the peak of femininity and maturity.

For me, every additional year is an enhancement to my wisdom and my sense of knowledge and awareness of my surroundings and people and all. Yet, those distant birthdays of my childhood years were different; they tasted different!

Back then, birthdays merely implied a big party, friends and family gathering and lots of presents. I guess back then we were completely oblivious to the underlying spiritual and psychological concept of 'Birthdays'. Nothing truly mattered to us except having fun and opening the gifts zealously at once!

Of course there's nothing wrong with that, it's normal, accepted and expected! It is just that today I feel different, the 'birthday' thing feels different. Besides my spontaneous thrill at my birthday, there's the feeling of anxiety and wonder. I cannot deny that I look and feel pensive today, but it's beyond me really. I know you must be feeling puzzled by my reaction, you might even be asking yourself questions now, right?

The thing is, as you enter your twenties it's like you begin to wake up from your stance and shake off that cocoon of past ignorance and nonchalance! You unconsciously start to want more of life and you become more demanding when it comes to your expectations regarding the future! At a certain point in time, you sort of become restless, kinda undecided and needy! The future all of a sudden turns into something scary; in the sense that it troubles you to try and digest the thought of not knowing who you'd become in this vast universe! I'm talking big here, aren't I??

I don't know whether you understand what I'm talking about or not, but I'm full of questions today, full of fears and expectations! Today, I have moved a step closer to my unknown destiny, towards tomorrow, which I cannot but pursue with huge and endless dreams and ambitions tucked safely deep within!

Now that I'm literally a day older than yesterday, I'm planning to simply dream big! Isn't that what wise people in life advice us to do; to dream big? Well, I'll do even better than that; I'll dream bigger!!

So, for now: Happy Birthday to me;)

Love,
Zainab

Lost...

2008-11-18T13:18:00.007+03:00

I close a door,,

driving away a tentative stray of light!

I ponder a thought,,

or two..

A tear falls down my cheek,,

ever so slow!!

The night is long,,

the room is cold!!

"He" is dead,,

you know..

Or so I've been told!!

I close "The door",,

a shiver comes by!!

In awe I wait..

For a breath,,

a smile,,

or a sigh of pure delight!!

No one comes..

No one hears..

Only I remain,,

Only I,,

and some thick white frost!!

It is the fog!!

It is my face,,

And all is lost!!

No Face: The first letter..

2008-11-05T19:06:00.020+03:00

Remember NO Face?
My imaginary knight on paper?
Today, as promised, you will read my first letter to 'HIM'..
The very first letter..
Which I wrote in April, 1, 2008
Every now and then I will post one of those letters..

SO..
With my knight,,
With my love,,
I leave you...

1 April 2008

12:30 am

Dearest No face,

Here I am writing my first letter to you, and it feels damn awkward to do so! I have to admit that I am in a loss for the proper words to use here, but I am not supposed to feel so because our little game here makes it imperatively necessary that you understand me! You are supposed to be ‘THE ONE’, which explains it all! It is true that neither of us knows the other in reality, but let us forget about reality and go for the sweet fantasy. Let’s pretend that we know each other very well; more like soul mates, in which case understanding each

other will be a natural thing for both of us.

I know if you were real, things might turn out differently! But let me ask you this: do not people write diaries as though they were addressing a human, not some inanimate object that cannot do them any good except comfort them of course! Still, this remains a very healthy method of release! Therefore, I thought I would create my own from of diaries, with you as my refuge and my sanctuary!

So, how do we start? I believe people usually start their letters to each other by a greeting! Therefore, here is a big hello to you my sweet; it is great knowing you are here by my side, if only in a sheer fantasy! The funny thing is I feel like I do know you, and by that I mean truly know you! You know, sometimes when I close my eyes at night, I see you in my mind’s eye, and believe me though without a tangible identity do I see you, it gives me pleasure & peace just to live the feeling of having the idea of you in my little world, in my dreams, and my day to day activities!

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you! I always see you standing tall, smiling for me and guarding my every step! I know it sounds crazy, but it does happen and I never want to wake up! Now hear this out, never did you have a face in any of those dreams; it is always a bright spot of light covering your facial features making it impossible for me to complete the image I have for you in my mind! Thus, I have named you “No face”! And don’t worry, not knowing how you’d look like won’t stop me from writing to you, because my heart will lead me to the true you one day, that much I know and that much I believe! You should believe in that too my love, in your heart of hearts you just have to know me, you have to find me! And when you do, I would expect you to read this letter to me aloud;)

I am filling you with surprise, aren’t I?! Well don’t be! Even if the whole idea of me writing to you feels incomprehensible to you, just let it be, and let me be.

I guess I am running out of words here, and it is probably too much for you to take in all at once. So, until my next letter, just remember this:

To the dream I write,

To a heart wide awake,

To a vision that keeps

Haunting me..

To my blindness

When I lose the way!

Love you,
Zainab

No face!!

2008-10-29T10:30:00.020+03:00

For a start, what I am going to present to you here might sound strange and even crazy for those who do not know me, and who would probably question my sanity and wonder whether the whole story is what it is and what I say it is or whether it is a totally different issue that I am not willing to share with you and thus have intentionally manipulated either to delude you or stir your interest and imagination all the same!!

Well, rest in peace because I am doing none of that!! But first let me tell you something that will make it a whole lot easier for you to understand my way of thinking and the reason I have written the letters, some of which you’ll read in my next post!

You know that people have their own different ways of expressing themselves, whether mentally or emotionally. Some opt for talking and letting into the open whatever it is they want to express, some choose to remain silent and analyze their thoughts & feelings on their own and others do that in writing! By now I am sure you know that I belong to the last category! When I do that, I do not do it because I lack the ability to verbally express myself, but because writing is a totally different story for me! Every time I choose to do that, I experience a sense of freedom and peace unlike any I have ever felt! By writing, I find myself and I succeed in capturing a whole new victory regardless of what I write; that is whether it be a pleasant or an unhappy experience.

Of course that does not have to be in the form of a personal journal (diaries), it could always be spontaneous heartfelt scraps of writing that are not necessarily done on a daily basis; just whenever there is a special incident or a certain thought that needs to be passed on to paper, as a memento or a means of achieving spiritual release or comfort!

Now back to my point, or fairytale if you wish to call it that, I have found myself a somewhat unusual way to communicate with myself and speak out my mind! You are dying to know how, aren’t you?

Well, I do this by writing letters, every now and then, addressed to a guy who has no name, no form and no identity! In other words, a person who does not exist in the first place, at least not yet! Yeah yeah I know it is strange, but it is funny and at the same time so very relaxing! But do not worry I do not send them to a magical land or something, I just keep them safe amongst my many other treasures!

You know, I have always believed that speaking your heart to the person you love; your soul mate, is different and feels different no doubt! And although I haven’t found that person yet and I do not know what it feels like to be swept off your feet and have your heart beat crazily for the one & only person who is destined to be eternally yours, I still know by instinct that it is a unique and invaluable experience, which nothing can ever compete with. Thus, it is not wrong at all to refer to it as the very essence & meaning of life!

When reading one of these letters, however, you’d feel as though they were written to a real person, a guy who does exist! I do this on purpose and I do want them to sound genuine and true, or else they wouldn’t be as unusual as they are now!

Every single letter of these is addressed to my imaginary knight, whom I have named “No face”. So, our next stop will be with the very first letter I have written to (No face).

Until then, please wait for me and for “Him” with the same anticipation and enthusiasm!!

A smile for the memories..

2008-10-15T05:00:00.009+03:00

It is amazing; the way we manage to summon up a certain memory out of a hundred others welled up deep inside the recesses of our minds!!

The other day, as I was listening to Mariah Carey's "One sweet Day", I found myself smiling uncontrollably and feeling a warm rush of content sweeping through my whole body, leaving me swamped in a strange sense of nostalgia to those old days of childhood!

That song triggered a specific incident and actually took me back to the age of 10 or 11, to that time when I heard this song and got acquainted with the great Mariah Carey for the very first time! To tell you the truth, back then English songs were not really that favoured by me and I almost knew none of the so-called cool singers of that particular generation! Frankly, it didn't really bother me that I was oblivious to all that hubbub!
However, that day I was visiting at my aunt's house and having fun with my cousin Khulood as usual! I am only one year older than her and so we do get along very well. So, that day I heard Mariah's track "One sweet day" and I got hooked instantly!

Let me tell you this, I have this habit of getting attached to things by using my sense of hearing! Believe me, I know from the first moment I listen to any song or music whether it appeals to me or not! And Mariah appealed to me alright! She still does, and still is my favourite female singer ever! Though for me that album remains the best I have heard for her, I do spontaneously buy every single album she releases and I don't question whether it'd be as good as expected or not! Of course, you can guess that I bought that album myself right the next day!

Now, at the age of 26, this very song never ever fails to bring back the same sense of excitement and wonder I had back then! Isn't that exhilarating?! I mean 15 years of my life have passed ever so quickly, transforming everything on its way including me, and yet deep down I know for sure that the child I used to be at that distant moment in time still resides somewhere inside of me; making life more bearable, adding beauty to my days and reminding me that at moments of distress I can always close my eyes, mentally turn back the hands of time to that same day and relive the joy and peace one gets out of being a child; blessed with that total blindness to all the traumas & hardships of life, which of course we cannot, now, but strive to tolerate and deal with even if it hits us right between the eyes!!

God, how many times I have heard people around me mumble to themselves 'If I could only go back in time and be a child once again, if only for a split second'! Cannot say I haven't silently wished for that to happen at certain points in my life, and I know that it is perfectly normal to do so. Yet, we all realize that this does not ever happen in reality, and so there is always the memories left for us to cherish and preserve as priceless gifts bestowed upon us by god to draw on our lips a beautiful smile that time can never erase!

Today, I can tell you that I am happy to have fully lived those moments, and to have smiled and laughed a lot back then. Though grown up and mature I happen to be at this stage of my life, it makes me extremely alive and exuberant to have this somewhat "Silly" yet beautiful smile of remembrance dominating my face and adding a spectacular glow like no other!

Tick.. Tock!!

2008-09-23T10:00:00.001+03:00

For a very long time, I have had that strong belief that the night time is not solely dedicated for sleeping, but also a time made for thinking, meditating and contemplating life and endless other thoughts! For that, I sometimes lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and the dark shadows that the moonlight streaming through the curtains casts on the white walls in my room!

At times, I find myself thinking about nothing at all; just delighted at the sheer thought of being able to drift afar with my mind and simply lose myself in that bliss of emptiness & nothingness. Last night, I traveled down a completely different road though, which was neither pleasant nor fruitful with soothing notions!

It started with me, once again giving in to an inescapable touch of insomnia, and feeling intimidated by the sound of the clock ticking up above my head, which never felt more loud or threatening! Usually, I don't pay attention to that sound, and sometimes I don't even hear it at all. yet, I found myself dedicating all my senses to that tick-tock sound last night, which I somehow felt vibrating through my very being! For me, it was not just one sound out of a thousand other sounds we hear everyday. NO, for me it was a painful reminder that time was passing by at the speed of light, not caring to stop if only for a split of a second to give the one of us a break!

I know how strange and even inconceivable this must sound, but it does occur to me sometimes; if only to remind me that everything around us is heading hectically towards change and that nothing ever stays the same! How unfathomable that whole idea felt last night; imprisoning me within the unseen boundaries of a scary little circle of persistent questions, all of which eager to suck up every breath left for me to take, leaving my comfy room totally airless!

I could have questioned my sort of sudden & eerie mood at such a late hour of the night, but I did not! For some unknown reason, I wanted to indulge myself in that inexplicable state of mind, I wanted to surrender, I wanted to lose myself to a delusive sensation I could not analyze or even explain in comprehensible language! For long painful moments, I saw the indecisive part of me, wandering through a dark maze without a way out, and with no trace of salvation looming in the horizon!

Frankly, it did not sound or feel as fearsome as I presumed it would! And only then it dawned on me that we sometimes find it convenient, in a puzzling way, to abandon ourselves to such mental haze; not willing to snap back into focus! As though negligence would, in a way, shield us from reason & reality!

I wanted time to stop dead then and there, so I would never have to work that stubborn brain of mine into providing answers to questions I did not know how to answer, or face my own demons as some would call them- those inner fears deep within- lurking somewhere close to me, anticipating the triumph they'd get out of leaping at me and eating me alive if I ever gave way to them to break my determination or shatter that mental strength I possess, which never ceases to make me proud of who I am!

Well, I wanted the night time to last for ever; with me lying on my bed taking in the lovable surroundings of my room and never having to come to terms with the concept of loss whenever an additional tasteless day adds up to a pile of vacant hours, bleak days; bringing me a step closer to some dead end; with nothing to add flavor or meaning to it!

It is always traumatizing to lead a life that presents itself to you in the form of a series of incomplete dreams and unfulfilled wishes, forcing you to spend your times anticipating a glimpse of hope amidst all that despair, filling you with a strong sense of wonder that you cannot help but resign yourself to; leaving the rein to it to engulf you within its tightly secure cocoon of indecision and confusion.

Yet, through all this chaos, the clock never ever stops ticking! And even as I sit here writing these words, the sound of the ticking remains the only audible truth in the middle of a soundless environment, and I remain here counting the ticks of the clock and whispering to myself: "Tick,, tock"!!

Atonement..

2008-08-25T22:15:00.001+03:00

It was 2:30 in the morning, on a Friday night, and me all by myself in dad's office at home- bored and unable to sleep!!

The TV was switched off, so I grabbed the remote control and switched it on; having absolutely no idea as what to watch at that time!! The first channel that came to my mind was 'Rotana Zaman", as I have always been a fan of old Egyptian movies, especially those starring Fatin Hamama, Omer Sherif, Rushdi Abatha or Ahmed Mazhar! God how much I love them all, and do not tell me they did not possess the most irresistible charisma of all at that time;) Well, I do believe they did, and to my utmost bafflement they still manage to sweep me off my feet every time I watch a movie for them!!

However- to my dismay- there was nothing appealing enough to keep me entertained in that particular channel, so I flipped through a number of other channels and I finally reached the "Showtime series". At that time, one of the 'Home Cinemas' was showing 'Atonement'. I couldn't help but get excited at reading the title in the middle of my random search, and I thought to myself: Well, this is it!! This is a movie to be watched wholeheartedly!! Of course it wouldn't have been my first time to see it, for I watched it at the cinema the first week it was released! BUT, it was already the end of the movie, with the list of cast moving before my eyes ever so slowly, when I pressed the number of the channel on the remote control; anticipating an emotionally grabbing experience all over again!!

Nevertheless, I did not change the channel, nor did I switch the TV off in desperation!! It was the music that stopped me dead in my track, seducing my sense of hearing; forcing me to simply give in to its charm and just drift away, not caring to know where or in what land I would end up! Indeed I did travel with both my mind and heart, to a place beyond this cozy little office, and far beyond this dreary land; where I saw myself running barefoot outside that cottage on the beach, traveling down the exact path that 'Cecelia' in the movie followed. I was free.. I was hopeful.. and alive!

The same thing had happened to me at the cinema back then, leaving me glued to my chair; mesmerized by that intense beauty of the magical soundtrack, composed by the brilliant Dario Marianelli. I vividly recall how I felt at that moment; gripped by an indecipherable yet an amazing sensation! It stayed with me even till after I left the cinema headquarters and went home. I was miraculously at peace with myself and the whole world!! I loved the movie, I can assure you of that, but the music was a different story altogether. I have something for acoustics, that I admit.

On that night in my father's office, it had happened again; that music captured me one more time, seeped into my very soul; hypnotized my senses; taking me on a journey I did not want to ever let go of! I remember the way I rested my head on the back of the sofa I was sitting on, the way I closed my eyes and surrendered, totally and willingly, to the melody and that blissful sound!

Now that I am here, writing this post and listening to the full atonement CD, I find myself wondering about those great composers of the greatest ever classics like Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, Tchaikovesky, Vivaldi, Chopin, Bach and many others; and I cannot but feel dumbfounded by their genius and that one of a kind splendour of their musical pieces. Nothing can ever compete with the glory they have reaped through their dazzling music. Yet every now and then someone like 'Dario' comes by, and manages to stun us by music such as that of atonement.

You may ask me, what is so special about atonement's soundtrack?

Well, the answer is as simple as that: it is that deep sense of melancholy coming to life with every stroke on the violin and every caress on the piano keys! It is that vigor it possesses, which makes it sound as though it had a life of its own! It is definitely the feeling of inner peace it masterfully implants deep within, luring me and falling on my ears like a chant of faith and pure content every time I listen to it.!

In short, it is that incomprehensible feeling of the act of atonement materializing right before us, through listening and dedicating the most delicate of senses to appreciate the beauty of music; the magic of translating melodies into never ending sensations!!

Utopia

2008-08-06T17:00:00.002+03:00

One summer night,

I stood on the shoreline in awe..

Staring at the stars above,,

Breathing in that saltish breeze I know!!

A thought, maybe two, crossed my mind..

Tantalizing my soul,,

Forcing me to open my eyes wide!!

Was it "Utopia" coming to life

before my eyes??

Or the one dream my heart craves to find?!

So surreal it had looked..

So celestial..

So full of grandeur!!

There it emerged..

A Utopian vision..

A sweet temptaion,,

To whom only (I) belonged!!

A bliss it would have been

to embrace the reverie..

Drift afar..

Even melt away..

That very night!!

5th August 2008

Laws of attraction!!

2008-07-29T12:07:00.001+03:00

How many times have you looked at a face you happened to come across-by sheer coincidence- and knew at that exact moment that it would somehow make a difference and possibly change the course of your life forever?

How many times have you passed by someone, not knowing who it is and not stopping to look at their face, yet a gut feeling appears out of the blue, persistently telling you to slow down and sneak if only a quick glance at that face! And to your utmost surprise, you do just that without knowing why you did it in the first place!!

Is it chemistry?
Is it magic?
Or is it just another inexplicable phenomenon, which we have long stopped looking for a rational explanation for!?

Well, I guess it is the outcome of having all those possibilities blended together! Which makes it the more puzzling!

Honestly, I do find it extremely strange the way we are attracted to certain people in life, as though an invisible power draws us to them, making us want to be close to them, if only to sense their existence and bask in the feeling of content we get out of that closeness!

Sometimes we do not stop to ask ourselves why, or analyze that turmoil of crazy feelings battling inside of us, causing us to act funny sometimes! All we know is that an unseen chord is linking us to a particular soul, bringing us a step closer to that irresistible aura its beholder seems to possess!

Is that how people develop an affection toward each other? Is that how they fall in love? I really cannot say, for I have always wondered how it'd feel like to have your heart pound in a chaotic rhythm just thinking of its true desire, conjuring their face or even uttering their name!

It is true that every single person has an aura of his own, different from anybody else's! Amazingly, it can either attract you to it the way a butterfly is attracted to light, or drive you miles away; filling you with an eerie sense of disaffection, which you repeatedly fail to analyze or understand!

Yet again, there are those few personalities who fill you with pure wonder, to the extent that you feel undecided whether it is liking or dislike you feel for them! strangely though, you begin to ask yourself endless questions about their true nature and that clear inner reflection of their soul, once they drop their mask of aloofness and indifference. Deep down, you know their is a depth to them they choose not to show, which they expertly disguise, making it even more frustrating for you to understand the identity of what really lies behind that unfathomable appearance!!

And so you remain in a state of puzzlement, not knowing why you are so curious to unveil the truth about who those people truly are!! And no matter how much of an expert you are at reading people's minds by looking into their eyes, some remain immune to your expertise!!

Thus, you just feel as though you were going against a brick wall over and over again! Eventually, you shun away, opting to let time reveal the mystery for you!

Sometimes it does happen, and sometimes not! I guess it is just laws of attraction, as some may put it!!

A time to say goodbye!

2008-07-27T19:00:00.002+03:00

It is never easy to say goodbye, to part with people who have lingered in your life long enough for you to get used to their presence and cherish the times you spend with them! And it is even harder to have someone sneak out of your life smoothly and guilt-free without even waving a hand of goodbye to you!

One minute they are there at your side, smiling at you, promising you sunny days and reassuring you of always being there for you, the next minute they are gone; just as simple as that!

Genuinely, it has always striked me as baffling the way people keep hurting each other, not stopping for a second to question what they have done or weigh the amount of pain and heartache their ruthless acts must have brought upon people who have trusted them, supported them, stretched a helping hand to them at their times of need, and foremost loved them-unconditionally- without waiting for any favor in return!! But as the saying goes: (What is done cannot be undone)!

Yeah I do agree that at times it is easy to take a hurtful word back or right a minor wrong and even make it up to those you have hurt! But what about the emotional mess you have left behind? What about those loads of deep and incurable wounds you have inflicted on people whose one and only mistake was to let you into their circle of beloved ones! Unthinkable, isn't it?!!

I used to think, or even believe, that people's capacity to love and readiness to cure others by far exceeds that inclination to hurt! How nice and comfortable it is to see the outside world, with all its occupants, through the goodness that lies inside of you! I know!! Yet, sometimes it is better to break free from that dreamy and rainbow-like bubble and wake up to reality, and what a dreadful reality it could be at times! That I have certainly learned!

Now, I know that in life we are bound to come across all sorts of people, some of whom bring sunlight into our days and others excel in turning the light into utmost darkness! Though heartbreaking and devastating this could be, we can always look at the bright side of it, even though I agree that at first glance it would appear as though there is nothing but trauma and grief awaiting to engulf us and shut all hope out! But that is the way of things in real life, we learn to do some things right by making a few mistakes, and we definitely learn to appreciate the smile after shedding tears of pain!

Yes I have been hurt a thousand times, but the consolation I find in that is the fact that this is actually what has made me who I am at the present time, a strong soul willing to conquer the unconquerable!! And believe me, whenever despair threatens to break me, I remember that what does not kill me, no doubt makes me stronger!!

So, here I am today: standing tall and smilingly waving a hand of goodbye to every tear, every wound and every painful memory lurking in the recess of my mind! For now is truly the time to say goodbye to all.

A Love Letter!!!

2008-07-16T18:00:00.002+03:00

I know how hard writing tends to be sometimes! I know it can break you to know that you have what it takes to become a good writer, yet you find yourself unable to present a coherent and graspable thought to whoever is interested in reading your words!

This has been happening to me for sometime now, and all I can say here is that this is driving me to destruction! Truth is, I have been trying to post something on my blog for days but to no avail! My mind is crowded with a hundred thoughts that long to be set free and are screaming for release, BUT nothing comes out on paper!!

However, luck has knocked on my door unexpectedly today, and for that I am truly grateful! Here is what happened:

As I sat at my desk at work early in the morning, a cup of steaming delicious tea in my hand and a number of newspapers in front of me, waiting to be read, a title grabbed my attention in the Bahrain Tribune, it said: "Love letter jigsaw takes 15 years"!!

Honestly, I do not know what it was that halted my quick monitoring of that specific page, I just felt that slight twinge of interest and curiosity in my heart, telling me stop right there, read this!! Strange how the mind reacts to certain things and therein arouses a particular reaction towards them, isn't it?! Anyways, I cast my cup aside, though normally nothing will make me do this, roused from my morning sleeplessness and dedicated all my senses to reading this piece of news! Guess what, it was about a man who spent 15 years piecing together 2,000 fragments of love letters to his late wife which she tore up when she caught someone reading them!! Can you believe this?? The guy is now 82, and he wrote 98 letters to his wife during the 7 years he spent traveling Europe as a farm worker!

That is not the end of the story though, hear this out: he began putting the pieces back together in 1993 and has just completed the laborious task, 3 years after his wife died! Not only that, he started by separating the corners and center pieces, which were more than 20 and made up more than 2,000 fragments (some smaller than a thumbnail), then progressed putting them all together by spending an hour everyday for 15 years!! Now he is finally done, and guess what? He is planning to write a book based on his letters to his late wife, Molly.

Honestly, what do you make out of that? For me, this is almost a fairy tale that rarely happens in real life! I mean, people tend to become more and more materialistic as days pass, which has left no time for emotions for some! Of course I am not generalizing here, for I still think there are men out there who would stop at nothing to make their beloved ones truly happy! But this much romance? Lucky her!

I am not a pessimist when it comes to love, not at all! Nevertheless, I find it quite hard to believe that a man like Ted Howard, our protagonist here, exists in multitude! However, I cannot be a hundred percent sure, for to me "Love" remains a dream to be realized one day; my knight in shining armor has not yet arrived! So the judgment remains to you dear reader, and I genuinely hope you have found that kind of love!

Just to make your heart thump the way mine did when I read this letter, here is part of one of Ted's letters to his Molly:

"Well, my dear, I am looking forward to seeing you again. It seems months since Sunday when I last saw you. There does not seem to be a lot more to write about, my love, so until we meet again, I send you all my love, from your ever loving sweetheart, Ted"!

So, with this glimpse of that Romeo-like love, I leave you. And believe me, if it doesn't pleasure you as much as it did me, it would at least draw a smile of wonder on your lips.

And yeah, all that morning drowsiness I suffered from just minutes ago, has seeped out of my door, leaving my heart light like a feather!

Remembrance

2008-07-14T13:37:00.002+03:00

A muffled moan of pain,
a sound I remember

That face in anguish,
that look of innocent wonder!

So close to the truth we came,
so close to surrender!

Yet he withdrew.. Simply ran!
leaving my wound exposed and tender!

Am I to question love?
Am I to leave?
Or am I to linger?!

14 July 2008

A place like no other!

2008-06-26T11:44:00.001+03:00

Have you ever developed an intense fondness of a particular place to the extent that any and every detail about that place appeals to you?

Well, from a quick look at the map here I bet you'd know which place I am referring to! Of course it is Italy, the country I have fallen in love with head over heels without setting foot there!

I cannot explain why it means this much to me or why I am interested in it as much! I guess I have developed this crush on this country, out of all other countries, from the books and novels that have referred to it in such a dreamy and fairytale like way that I couldn't help but fall under its spell!

I believe that warming up to certain places and even people is a streak in our nature, and it is quite inexplicable! Thus, I won't search for further explanations as to why I am madly and deeply in love with "Italy"! With its people, places, food, music, culture, language and whatever else that comes to mind and points to it!

Whenever anyone utters the word "Italy", my eyes get that dreamy & stance like look of someone who has bodily and mentally drifted somewhere else and I almost see myself sitting on a terrace overlooking the sea -with the cool breeze caressing my face-or wandering through the cozy streets of Venice at night dreaming of yet another happy day spent in the embrace of a country that I cannot but link with love! And when I conjure such images, I instantly brighten up and a silly smile forces itself upon my lips, coloring my face with that aura of happiness and content which I cannot wipe off for some time!

What is the secret behind this affection, and why Italy, I honestly do not know! What I do know is that I have been dreaming of going there since forever, but the time for this wish to become a reality hasn't arrived yet! Nevertheless, not having it fulfilled, at least in the present time, does not mean I cannot appease my hunger to inhale its fresh and magical air by enjoying whatever Italian we can get hold of here, though unlike the real thing! By that I certainly mean Italian food, heheeee. Whenever they open any Italian restaurant here, I make sure I am the first one to try it!

Tuscan, Florence, Rome, Sicily and amongst all Venice, are the places I would definitely visit once I am there, no doubt!! And let me tell you a funny thing, if you haven't yet seen the movie "Only You", rent it, make yourself a large bowl of popcorn, switch off all the lights, lie down on the most comfortable sofa you have and indulge in the most romantic and heart-stopping journey to the very core of Italy, where dreams have a totally different flavour!

And just to give you a glimpse of that romantic and fantasy- like atmosphere that the movie takes me to every time I watch it, here is the lyrics of one of the best soundtracks in the movie.

Once in a life time
Michael Bolton

Some People fill their lives,

with empty nights,

And days that slip away

Some search till the end of time,

but never find the open arms of fate

One moment comes along,

someone who's a dream to you,

All at once your dreams come true

CHORUS:

Once in a lifetime,

you find the one you really love

For now and forever,

one love that never ends,

Once in a lifetime,

when every star that lights the sky

Will shine with one reason,

leadng your heart to the one love you find,

Just once in a lifetime

Some people live their lives in compromise,

And hide their dreams away

Some never take the chance within their hands,

To claim the prize they make,

When faith is all you need,

to hold the hand of destiny,

Find the love that's meant to be

CHORUS:

If you believe in the power of love

And you believe that dreams come true

Magic will fill your heart,

when that moment comes along

Just once in a lifetime

Once in a lifetime,

when every star that lights the sky

Will shine with one reason,

leading you home to the one love you find.

Just once in a lifetime,

Just once in a lifetime

Well, I do not know whether this fantasy I have in mind about Italy is true or not! And I cannot tell whether it is just the expected outcome of the stories we come across in novels, books and movies! All I do know is that it is a dream amongst many many other dreams I have- whether they be here on the ground or written up in the stars!

Unrealistic this might be, and even child-like! But one thing I know for sure, dreams are what keep us sane, breathing, and willing to continue the journey towards the unknown! So do not ever give up a dream, no matter how stupid others think it is! Go for it and believe in it, for dreams can certainly be realized, regardless of how much time they take to be fulfilled!

So, just play "Once in a life time", remember my words and delve into one of my dreams, one of my never ending passions in life! There, you will see Italy-my dream country- from an angle you have never tried before.

Have a pleasant tour:)

To love... To live

2008-06-25T11:30:00.001+03:00

A sigh, a tear and a tentative whimper!
We cry, we fear, we long for a forgotten laughter!

Why grieve?
Why leave?
When there is a beloved face to remember?

Why sulk?
Or lurk behind closed doors?
When that "special" someone is craving to lock his hand with yours?!

25/6/08

Never say goodbye

2008-06-20T19:37:00.001+03:00

Day by day, countless people spontaneously pass by,
Some may leave, others stand their ground.
That we do not question; we never ask them why!
All we crave is a loving heart; a peaceful soul amongst the crowd!

There, by sheer coincidence, she entered my world,
Extended a helping hand; guiding me through the ups and downs of life!
With sincerity, warmth and friendliness, an unbeatable cord we have formed.
Standing up to hardships, intent on thriving and determined to stay alive!

To me, she is not just a passing "someone"; to me she is a cherished sister.
A face to be remembered, a name to always be favored.
The difference you have made- dear sister- remains a valuable memory forever.
So never say goodbye; for remembrance is the divine gift to be endlessly treasured.

9 October 2006

A prayer

2008-06-20T18:31:00.001+03:00

Up there a peaceful moon is shining,
Looking glamorous and wondrously promising.
I cannot help but admire its perfection,
And pray to be immortalized in its mysterious reflection!

A Godly gift is surely what it represents,
Generous, enchanting and amazingly romantic!
The gleam, the presence, its aura; all is so immense,
Surprisingly, a dreary night has turned extremely fantastic!

Oh merciful moon, look at my face; it is glowing.
Listen to my heart, to you it is calling.
Let my prayer be quickly answered,
Let the promise be endlessly remembered!

بين نيسان وتشرين

2008-06-20T17:16:00.001+03:00

يقول وأقول كفى

ويعود وأعود معه
ووكأنّنا بالعَوْد نبشّر الصامت والجامد
والعاجز من الأشياء من حولنا
بقرب جلاء شتاءٍ ألِفَ السبات
وما ملّه

***
نعود..
-وإنْ طال الغياب-
والياسمينُ يسبق خطوتنا
وأجراسُ الفجر قُبيل الإشراق
تردّد تراتيل سلامةِ الوصول

وتشاغب بتكرار الصدى
شوقَ ( الإفصاح الحرّ) فينا
فنُعرض عن نيّة الحديث
- ثوانٍ طوال-
ويعتري كلينا لوضوح ما
أبدينا من وجلٍ خجلٌ جليٌ
نُمسي به أطفالاً
وننسى بحضوره أنّا قد جاوزنا
العشرين من العمر

بل واثنين آخرين

***
ونصمتُ بعد

فينتصف المساء

وننسى ما حفظنا
قبلُ من أسماء
-كمَنْ تجرّد من الحذر بغتةً

وندّعي مع هكذا خسرانٍ
"ثباتاً" فُرِض علينا

كالمؤقت من الوعود

لتموت من بعده الأعذار
-أعذارنا-
وحكايا عن الغد انتهت
وما بدأناها
***
ونسأم

ويسأم قبلنا انتظارٌ
مرّ بنا فصاحبناه

إذْ اعتاد-مثلنا- الحلمَ
بخاتمةٍ للعشق تفتح للمدى الأخضر
بوّابة الربيع
ليولد "تشرينُ" من اللاشيء

ويطلّ من بعده نيسانُ
-بفتنة صبيّةٍ عشية زفافها-
فيطوي (بدائية) المعنى،
ويمحو من بعده النسيان
وما يسبقه
وما يليه

***
لكنّا نعود

راجين "فرحاً" أو "فرجاً
في الهوى قريب

فنتجاوز بلاداً
كَلَيْل الله رحبة

ونشغلُ الوقتَ بمجالسة
"الأرق العذب"..
ونصيح

"يا الله! أجميلٌ هذا السهاد؟؟
"أيتّسع لنا في التّو منام؟؟
***
هكذا نعود
"قلبي".. و"أنا"
نعود وزادنا حُلم
نعود وموطننا سفرٌ
نعود وعَوْدُنا أحمدُ

Sweet baby

2008-06-20T17:00:00.001+03:00

Baby do not be scared,
I am here so grab my hand.
Bask in your freedom and fly like a bird,
My heart is yours; it is your only land.

Do not cry darling, I long to see your smile.
Hold on to your faith, fill my existence with hope.
I need your love, baby stay for a little while,
To me sing your sweet words and do not you ever stop!

We know each other far more than others,
That is our destiny.. That is our blessing.
Sweet baby you know we will always be together,
Laugh and be alive; our love is never ending.

The best is yet to come!

2008-06-17T10:02:00.001+03:00

Well, since this is my first post in my newly established blog, I want to start the journey to come by giving you a glimpse of me- the person behind the screen- so that eventually you manage to enjoy whatever there is I can give you and share with you through my posts, my ideas, my interests, my joys and my diversified passions in life!

To start with, I have to admit that I am totally new to this "blog" thing! Hence, am still exploring ways to enrich mine and turn it into an enjoyable experience for all of you who have taken the time and interest to pay it a visit.

The first thing you need to know about me is that I am obsessed with both reading & writing! These two hobbies are actually my life, in short I cannot ever give either of them up! However, writing is a bit different if you want the truth; it is where I find myself more, and the means by which I can freely voice out whatever I have and feel keen to let people on.

You might wonder what is so special about all this! And whether all I have said makes it any more interesting to any of you! Well, if you want to know the answer just spare a few minutes of your time to read my words, to read my mind, and to read me!

And just to fill you with the desire to do this, all you have to do is "THINK IN PINK"!, which is by the way my motto in life:)

So, welcome everybody and thank you for taking the time to pass by. Hope you find it worth the stop, and here are bunches of roses from me to you for your interest. However, just in case you do not enjoy your visit, remember that I am new to all this and that the best is yet to come.