Once upon a rainy night

I remember that rainy night, when I stood by my window for longer than I cared to notice, and listened to the rain pouring down the quiet and totally deserted street across from our house. It was a beautiful night; peaceful and calming, but I only thought of it as yet another dreary day that added to my annoyingly unfathomable state of heart.

I thought of you, like I have done for weeks; since that day we first met. I closed my eyes and listened intently to the sound of the rain, all the while thinking of what you could possibly be doing at that precise moment, what you'd be thinking about, and whether or not you were thinking about me at all.

I remember that I wished if you'd just pass by, even if by sheer chance, not knowing I would be standing by the window in an unconscious state of anticipation; looking for something magical to make my heart flutter with joy. You passing by, even unknowingly, was that magical something I was eagerly looking for.

Minutes dragged on, followed by an hour or so, but nothing out of the ordinary happened! You did not pass by.. You did not know I was silently calling for you, praying you would hear me and answer my call.

Rain did not let up as early as I expected, it kept pouring down the streets, casting a strangely melancholic atmosphere all around the silent neighbourhood.

Apart from the musical sound of the rain, everything was deadly quiet.. Everything but my heart; it was beating so hard I could hardly hear the rain!

I remember that rainy night..

I remember you..
I remember us!

I am back

I know I have been gone for so long, and I probably lost some readers who remained enthusiastic about reading my blog and had gradually gotten bored by the long wait for a new post by me!

I don't want to waste the space I have here coming up with excuses that might not appease readers' hunger for something interesting enought to read; all I can say is that life has taken me away from things I used to dedicate time to and enjoy immensely. I do hope I am back for good now though, and that I'd manage to once again win your interest and appreciation for my writings.

To be honest, despite my initial thought that many have stopped visiting my blog and given up the wait for a new piece of writing, I was overwhelmed by the responses and comments I got from a number of readers, and joyfully discovered that I do have readers who are truly intrigued by what I have to say and enjoy going through the contents of my humble blog. I know this was motive enough for me to come back and write like I used to; with true zeal and passion.

This, today, is a promise of a real return. I know that my journey began the day I established this blog, and I intend to continue the journey and have my moments of joy and gratitude to all of you. I do appreciate the time you spend reading what I write. I am forever thankful for your loyalty and the wonderful feeling your comments grant me.

Thank you dear friends...  

Without a face!

Dear No Face,

As easy as it used to feel to write to you, today I find myself feeling as awkward and confused as ever! I have never before felt at a loss for words; when I write to you I don’t think, I just allow myself to feel for you and give way to my feelings to carry me to you, wherever you may be.

Long ago, I thought that once I have found you, I’d run to write the long awaited letter; to a real face for the first time. Back then, I thought I’d have it in me to announce it to you, and let you know that I could finally address you without having to wonder how you’d look like. Now I know it is not as easy as I had initially thought!

 

As I write this letter today, I find myself thinking about a real person I know next to nothing about, even his face I don’t remember as vividly as I’d love to. Strange, isn’t it? I mean, against all odds, I am somehow still addressing a ‘NO FACE’, though you now have a face and an identity! For the record, I hate how it feels; it is a hundred times worse than before.

 

Why did it have to happen this way? Are you punishing me for giving you the title ‘No Face’? Is that why I have to be imprisoned within the circle of not knowing? I guess you might have it your own way this time, but I still have the memory to cling to, for as long as it takes you to realize you are bound to me too!

 

Until that time, and until all the pieces fall into place, I shall leave you to wonder. I have no doubt you do that occasionally, even when you refuse to admit it to yourself. Call it a crazy hunch from a dreamy lady, but that is how it is for both of us; something inexplicably magical is drawing us together, and neither of us knows how to escape it.

 

Can I break this crazy spell? I don’t know!

Can I stop thinking and asking myself what and why and when and where? Again, I don’t know!

 

It is crazy, and it feels as though I am walking on thin ice, and I do have a big question mark that screams ‘YOU’. So, if you know the way out of this mess, do tell!!

 

Dreamer

Don't ask..!

Here is my latest Arabic Poem.

Has been recently published in the newspaper

That much I want

In life, it is only acceptable and understandable that we'd take certain things/blessings for granted; as though it is the most natural thing that we should have what we have got. Some of us, or rather most of us, don't usually think of what we have in hand or appreciate it more until it is gone and no longer exists in our lives;  when it did exist moments ago, or a lifetime ago! I guess this is just human nature; it is the way things happen, the way people think and behave, not generalizing though.

I have been thinking about that a lot recently; given an annoyingly persistent emotional dilemma. However, there's always a trigger to certain thoughts and feelings; small incidents that could unleash mental and emotional chaos, loosening tight ends and messing with one's head. It is unstoppable, uncontrollable, and maddening at times.

Never have I longed to hold a baby in my arms as much as I do these days. It is like my heart has ceased to crave anything but the blessing of motherhood. I close my eyes and I see myself the mom I have always wanted to be. I close my eyes and I see a beautiful infant held close to my heart, where I can feel his little heart fluttering close to mine; telling me over and over again that he's the most precious piece of my being. I don't seem to be able to shake this feeling off anymore; as though it has become the spell I cannot escape. It tugs at my heartstrings whenever I see a pregnant lady or a mother with her kid. Do I sound maudlin?!

There's this inescapable need to love, and be loved. To become a wife and a mother, and have the life I have pictured in my head for countless times. As a teenager, it started as a fantasy; a girl's dream. But as a mature lady today; full of expectations and needs and hopes that I won't bear to have crushed, I want every bit of that long awaited dream to become the reality I long to embrace and be thankful for and enjoy to the fullest.

I want to experience all the insane things I hear about marriage, and at the same time bask in its beauty and savor its sane and memorable moments. I want to go through its ups and downs with the man I am destined for; if he is somewhere out there reading this. I want to be driven crazy with love at times, and with frustration at other times. I want to laugh, cry, smile, and sulk and do whatever else that comes with the package!

That much I want... That much I need... That much I dream of..!

A thousand words

A picture speaks a thousand words, doesn't it??
They say it is true, and I do believe so; at least in the case of the picture above!

I was taken and mesmerized by the picture of this lady for a reason only I know..

It makes me think of something I no longer understand.

Well, a picture speaks a thousand words people..

I know what I am thinking, but I want your guesses and an active imagination here..

Now tell me,,

What comes to your mind when you see this picture??

What do you feel??

What does it tell you??

A friend, or an enemy??

Long before I decided to write this, I thought I’d lost it; the will to defy weakness and despair and stand up on my feet again. For days that seemed to have no end, I thought it’d take me forever to gather enough strength to say it all, to talk about my pain, and be as strong as I have always been, once again. I was wrong though, for I can always use my mind and my words and my faith to prove to myself that nothing could ever break me to the point of no recovery. At the end of every dark tunnel, there’s always a ray of light, waiting to be seen, seeking the eyes of those who have the willingness and the determination to break free from the grip of darkness. The truth is always there, hidden sometimes, alas always there for those who seek it and crave revealing it.

The reason I am saying this is the tragedy that has befallen on Bahrain recently. I am a Bahraini citizen who knows it all; everything that had happened starting from February the 14th , until this very moment. I am not  planning to go into details or narrate the painful story that I am sure has already gone international, for doing so would only add to my pain and suffering. As I said at the beginning of this post, those who seek to know the truth will no doubt succeed in their quest, if they have the capacity to think straight and analyze what they see and what they read without prejudice. Believe me, only if you open your heart and rid yourself of lies will you be able to truly see the full picture, devoid of distorted details that would do nothing but vilify it. Lies are everywhere, but smart and wise people don’t fall for them. It is one’s moral responsibility to have a conscious and distinguish between a lie and the truth. I won’t tell you what is right or wrong, or make you see what picture is white and which is black. You have a mind of your own, and a sight of your own; all you have to do is open your eyes wide and see for yourself where truth lies.

During the crisis, so many masks have fallen, and the true faces of so-called friends have come to the light, only so I’d see they have never really been friends! It hurt like hell, but I am glad the big picture is now complete, and is left out there in the open for me to contemplate; thankful that God has  enlightened me with the truth. I don’t regret that I have been good and truthful to people who did not not deserve it, because that is how I have been raised; to be good and treat people with kindness and always have good intentions, until proven wrong. 

Yes, I do feel wounded, and it still hurts me to think how cruel and evil and prejudiced some people can be, but I don’t feel sorry for being me. I don’t judge people based on their beliefs or religious approaches. I don’t think or act sectarian, and I am proud of that. To those who have antagonized me for no reason, and misjudged me based on their own beliefs and views and lies that know no limits, I don’t think like you do, and don’t act like you do.

A final word to all the fake friends, thank you for making me see your true faces. Thank you for making me stronger, and driving me to stand taller. I do stand out by the way, you know why? Because I believe love conquers hate and antagonism. Flowers bloom at the end of every storm, no matter how long it takes them to gather strength and regain their beauty. Likewise, pure hearts and peaceful souls are what prevail in the end. They are what people remember and crave to be close to.

My story here today, is certainly one of love. It is love that I speak of, never hate, never antagonism. Remember, it is always easy to break trust, and a hundred times harder to regain it!!

An enemy, or a friend?? 
I guess it is hard to know who is who these days!!   

Things I learned

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend, titled "Things I learned in life", which she quoted from a blog she came across by coincidence. I was inspired by what I have had the pleasure to indulge in. I believe you should all read it, and judge for yourself whether or not you could relate to it. Enjoy!

"Things I learned in life"

• I've learned- That you cannot make someone love you; all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
• I've learned- That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
• I've learned- That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds you destroy it.
• I've learned - That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
• I've learned- That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
• I've learned- That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
• I've learned- That it's not what happens to people that is important. It's what they do about it.
• I've learned- That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• I've learned- That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
• I've learned- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
• I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
• I've learned- That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
• I've learned- That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
• I've learned- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
• I've learned- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
• I've learned- That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
• I've learned- That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
• I've learned- That learning to forgive takes practice.
• I've learned- That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
• I've learned- That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
• I've learned- That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
• I've learned- That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.
• I've learned- That sometimes when I am angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
• I've learned- That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
• I've learned- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
• I've learned- That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you have celebrated.
• I've learned-That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
• I've learned- That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't just biological, but of the soul.
• I've learned- That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• I've learned- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
• I've learned- That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
• I've learned- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
• I've learned- That sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
• I've learned- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
• I've learned- That sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
• I've learned- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• I've learned- That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
• I've learned- That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• I've learned- That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt in the process.
• I've learned- That there are many ways of falling in love and staying in love.
• I've learned- That no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
• I've learned- That no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the time you need them most.
• I've learned- That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
• I've learned- That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
• I've learned- That writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
• I've learned- That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
• I've learned- That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• I've learned- That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
• I've learned- That although the word "love" can have many different meaning; it loses value when over used.
• I've learned- That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

A heart for sale.!

What do we know about hearts?

I know my question sounds a little weird, but if I were to ask you to define 'Heart' for me, what would your answer be? Rationally, the answer would be a scientific and medical definition, and that is:  "the viscus of cardiac muscle that maintains the circulation of the blood". My guess is that such a simple definition is what could pop into one's head if asked such question. Well, I am not really looking for a scientific answer for my question, for it is far from what I want to say here.

When I was a kid, I learned everything I needed to know about hearts, for educational reasons. What I didn't know back then, and what the teacher hasn't explained to us is the fact that hearts are breakable. It is funny the way we process information and knowledge in our minds as children, and how we see and perceive things ever so simply and innocently. Had I known that a heart not only bleeds, but breaks easily, I would have gone to all lengths to immunize it against hurt and suffering. If I had known that as a child, I would have taught myself, much earlier, not to succumb to good-heartedness and emotional generosity, I would have avoided empathy whenever I could, and shown nonchalance to those who deserved it.

Just for the record, it does not have to be a man that has brought me to this conclusion. Yes, it is love that weakens you all the time, but one does not have to be 'in love' to be heartbroken. My story is different; I am not in love, but alas heartbroken!

A friend can break your heart, and they do it so bad you cannot break free from the pain, no matter how hard you tried!

I wonder, why is it so easy for some to inflict pain on people who have opened their hearts to them and embraced them at all times, without stopping for a moment to think twice?
Why do we have our eyes wide shut when we shouldn't!
Why do we keep falling in the same trap once and twice! Maybe it is sheer naivety, or exaggerated good intentions!

At this point, I find myself unwilling to process it all in my mind; I am far too weak to search for answers I don't have, or maybe cannot handle at the moment; given my current state of heart.

Once upon a time, I was told that you always get as much as you give. I believed the fairytale, but today I think it is too good to be true, for some people just don't realize that hearts are breakable, and MUST be handled with utmost care.

That is him!

 

I have been asked, once, by a follower of my blog about my own checklist for 'Mr. Right'. He was interested to know what I look for in a man, and what could make someone qualify as the perfect match for me, after reading my post titled "Her checklist, and my checklist". At the time, I promised to dedicate a whole post to answer that question; I think it is only fair that I do so because for one thing a promise is a promise. The other thing that made me decide to write this post is my knowledge that some of the people I know think I am looking for the impossible, and that I am asking far too much of a guy! Honestly, there is nothing impossible or hard to find in my checklist.

The first thing I need to stress here is that I am not looking for the 'PERFECT' catch; I am certain that no one is perfect and everybody in this wide world has flaws. Looking for perfection is a delusion, and I am certainly not after delusions. What I seek and hope to find is my perfect match, and there is a huge difference between wanting a perfect catch and my perfect match, whom I want to be perfect for me as person, and suit my mentality and fulfill my emotional needs and go in harmony with my lifestyle as a whole. It is a fact that some people are definitely ill-suited and others do click from the very first instant they cross each other's paths. Is that even close to impossible? Everybody wants to be a hundred percent certain that they choose right, and that they click with their partners. I am waiting for that click, and I cannot force my mind to react or make a decision unless I get that inexplicable and emotionally puzzling feeling that is said to be all a lady needs to know she has met the one.

Now I know you must be wondering who could qualify as Mr. Right. So, let me tell you! The thing I know about myself, and people who know me in person do see in me as well, is that I am a romantic, and a little far from being realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Having a romantic and an emotionally generous partner is very important to me. I like to portray myself as a flower that could fade away and perish if not properly nurtured; emotionally that is. I love to be pampered and handled delicately by my partner, not spoiled of course, for I know men don't have enough patience to attend to their ladies' wants and needs all the time. I'd be naive to think such men exist, wouldn't I?

Here is another thing, I want a man who mentally stands with me on the same platform! I am not saying I want a total intellectual, but we have to at least be mentally compatible. I am an analytical person; I like to see into things and think carefully before I take a step forward, and I want my partner to like that about me, so he doesn't think I am being annoying or sophisticated. I am a thinker; my friends and relatives say so about me! I like to weigh matters and think thoroughly before I react or make a judgment about anything. Am I being a perfectionist when it comes to that?? I write, and dream of becoming a great author almost every day, so I expect my partner to respect that and admire it, not discourage me or make fun of my aspirations! I want him to understand me and provide me with as much support as that I would give and take interest in the things that define me as a person. I have this strong belief that being discouraged or taken lightly when it comes to what I want to do with my life only means there’d be this huge and impassible void between the two of us, and that a vital part of me will gradually die, as a result of which I’d either become someone I don’t recognize or resent my partner for taking that away from me; for not seeing or understanding what I want him to render special and different and characteristic of me. 

Unfortunately, our society is full of men who only want to change their partners according to their likes and preferences, and transform them into symbols of a fixed image they have in mind; as though we have no will or freedom of choice, or a say in what we look forward to having in a life-transforming step such as marriage! Don’t we all dream of being liked and chosen just the way we are; with all our qualities and flaws? Why change another according to what we want? Why not accept them and love them without having to impose our beliefs and ideas and mindset on them? Is that what partnership is about? Is it something we should accept and give in to, or else we’d be called arrogant and demanding??  Frankly, I don’t understand how so many men think and act as such! And I wouldn’t want to give up ‘me’ just to satisfy someone’s ego! I want my future partner to choose me for who I am, and love me insanely just the way I am. I do have a strong mind, but I am not arrogant or uncharacteristically stubborn just for the sake of standing out as the ‘Hard to please’ kind of woman. All I am asking from a man is to approach and see me right. All I want is for him to decide and believe that I am the 'ONE’ and ‘ONLY’ for him. It takes charm and intelligence, and I do like these two qualities in a man.            

I am not asking for an extraordinary man, all I want is the one I perceive as extraordinary, and right and perfect for me, for who I am. I am not hard to please, or a lady whose heart is hard to win, as much as I am a lady who seeks to be charmed by her perfect match; by the one I have always imagined could truly sweep me off my feet and take my breath away and totally dazzle me, not by out of this world qualities, but by being a true gentleman, a man of respect, morals, and genuine inner beauty.  

All I want is to choose right, and be chosen by the man I pray for my heart to recognize, and beat for at the right moment, and eventually whisper to me “That is him.. That is the one”!