Once upon a rainy night

I remember that rainy night, when I stood by my window for longer than I cared to notice, and listened to the rain pouring down the quiet and totally deserted street across from our house. It was a beautiful night; peaceful and calming, but I only thought of it as yet another dreary day that added to my annoyingly unfathomable state of heart.

I thought of you, like I have done for weeks; since that day we first met. I closed my eyes and listened intently to the sound of the rain, all the while thinking of what you could possibly be doing at that precise moment, what you'd be thinking about, and whether or not you were thinking about me at all.

I remember that I wished if you'd just pass by, even if by sheer chance, not knowing I would be standing by the window in an unconscious state of anticipation; looking for something magical to make my heart flutter with joy. You passing by, even unknowingly, was that magical something I was eagerly looking for.

Minutes dragged on, followed by an hour or so, but nothing out of the ordinary happened! You did not pass by.. You did not know I was silently calling for you, praying you would hear me and answer my call.

Rain did not let up as early as I expected, it kept pouring down the streets, casting a strangely melancholic atmosphere all around the silent neighbourhood.

Apart from the musical sound of the rain, everything was deadly quiet.. Everything but my heart; it was beating so hard I could hardly hear the rain!

I remember that rainy night..

I remember you..
I remember us!

I am back

I know I have been gone for so long, and I probably lost some readers who remained enthusiastic about reading my blog and had gradually gotten bored by the long wait for a new post by me!

I don't want to waste the space I have here coming up with excuses that might not appease readers' hunger for something interesting enought to read; all I can say is that life has taken me away from things I used to dedicate time to and enjoy immensely. I do hope I am back for good now though, and that I'd manage to once again win your interest and appreciation for my writings.

To be honest, despite my initial thought that many have stopped visiting my blog and given up the wait for a new piece of writing, I was overwhelmed by the responses and comments I got from a number of readers, and joyfully discovered that I do have readers who are truly intrigued by what I have to say and enjoy going through the contents of my humble blog. I know this was motive enough for me to come back and write like I used to; with true zeal and passion.

This, today, is a promise of a real return. I know that my journey began the day I established this blog, and I intend to continue the journey and have my moments of joy and gratitude to all of you. I do appreciate the time you spend reading what I write. I am forever thankful for your loyalty and the wonderful feeling your comments grant me.

Thank you dear friends...  

Without a face!

Dear No Face,

As easy as it used to feel to write to you, today I find myself feeling as awkward and confused as ever! I have never before felt at a loss for words; when I write to you I don’t think, I just allow myself to feel for you and give way to my feelings to carry me to you, wherever you may be.

Long ago, I thought that once I have found you, I’d run to write the long awaited letter; to a real face for the first time. Back then, I thought I’d have it in me to announce it to you, and let you know that I could finally address you without having to wonder how you’d look like. Now I know it is not as easy as I had initially thought!

 

As I write this letter today, I find myself thinking about a real person I know next to nothing about, even his face I don’t remember as vividly as I’d love to. Strange, isn’t it? I mean, against all odds, I am somehow still addressing a ‘NO FACE’, though you now have a face and an identity! For the record, I hate how it feels; it is a hundred times worse than before.

 

Why did it have to happen this way? Are you punishing me for giving you the title ‘No Face’? Is that why I have to be imprisoned within the circle of not knowing? I guess you might have it your own way this time, but I still have the memory to cling to, for as long as it takes you to realize you are bound to me too!

 

Until that time, and until all the pieces fall into place, I shall leave you to wonder. I have no doubt you do that occasionally, even when you refuse to admit it to yourself. Call it a crazy hunch from a dreamy lady, but that is how it is for both of us; something inexplicably magical is drawing us together, and neither of us knows how to escape it.

 

Can I break this crazy spell? I don’t know!

Can I stop thinking and asking myself what and why and when and where? Again, I don’t know!

 

It is crazy, and it feels as though I am walking on thin ice, and I do have a big question mark that screams ‘YOU’. So, if you know the way out of this mess, do tell!!

 

Dreamer

Don't ask..!

Here is my latest Arabic Poem.

Has been recently published in the newspaper

That much I want

In life, it is only acceptable and understandable that we'd take certain things/blessings for granted; as though it is the most natural thing that we should have what we have got. Some of us, or rather most of us, don't usually think of what we have in hand or appreciate it more until it is gone and no longer exists in our lives;  when it did exist moments ago, or a lifetime ago! I guess this is just human nature; it is the way things happen, the way people think and behave, not generalizing though.

I have been thinking about that a lot recently; given an annoyingly persistent emotional dilemma. However, there's always a trigger to certain thoughts and feelings; small incidents that could unleash mental and emotional chaos, loosening tight ends and messing with one's head. It is unstoppable, uncontrollable, and maddening at times.

Never have I longed to hold a baby in my arms as much as I do these days. It is like my heart has ceased to crave anything but the blessing of motherhood. I close my eyes and I see myself the mom I have always wanted to be. I close my eyes and I see a beautiful infant held close to my heart, where I can feel his little heart fluttering close to mine; telling me over and over again that he's the most precious piece of my being. I don't seem to be able to shake this feeling off anymore; as though it has become the spell I cannot escape. It tugs at my heartstrings whenever I see a pregnant lady or a mother with her kid. Do I sound maudlin?!

There's this inescapable need to love, and be loved. To become a wife and a mother, and have the life I have pictured in my head for countless times. As a teenager, it started as a fantasy; a girl's dream. But as a mature lady today; full of expectations and needs and hopes that I won't bear to have crushed, I want every bit of that long awaited dream to become the reality I long to embrace and be thankful for and enjoy to the fullest.

I want to experience all the insane things I hear about marriage, and at the same time bask in its beauty and savor its sane and memorable moments. I want to go through its ups and downs with the man I am destined for; if he is somewhere out there reading this. I want to be driven crazy with love at times, and with frustration at other times. I want to laugh, cry, smile, and sulk and do whatever else that comes with the package!

That much I want... That much I need... That much I dream of..!

A thousand words

A picture speaks a thousand words, doesn't it??
They say it is true, and I do believe so; at least in the case of the picture above!

I was taken and mesmerized by the picture of this lady for a reason only I know..

It makes me think of something I no longer understand.

Well, a picture speaks a thousand words people..

I know what I am thinking, but I want your guesses and an active imagination here..

Now tell me,,

What comes to your mind when you see this picture??

What do you feel??

What does it tell you??

A friend, or an enemy??

Long before I decided to write this, I thought I’d lost it; the will to defy weakness and despair and stand up on my feet again. For days that seemed to have no end, I thought it’d take me forever to gather enough strength to say it all, to talk about my pain, and be as strong as I have always been, once again. I was wrong though, for I can always use my mind and my words and my faith to prove to myself that nothing could ever break me to the point of no recovery. At the end of every dark tunnel, there’s always a ray of light, waiting to be seen, seeking the eyes of those who have the willingness and the determination to break free from the grip of darkness. The truth is always there, hidden sometimes, alas always there for those who seek it and crave revealing it.

The reason I am saying this is the tragedy that has befallen on Bahrain recently. I am a Bahraini citizen who knows it all; everything that had happened starting from February the 14th , until this very moment. I am not  planning to go into details or narrate the painful story that I am sure has already gone international, for doing so would only add to my pain and suffering. As I said at the beginning of this post, those who seek to know the truth will no doubt succeed in their quest, if they have the capacity to think straight and analyze what they see and what they read without prejudice. Believe me, only if you open your heart and rid yourself of lies will you be able to truly see the full picture, devoid of distorted details that would do nothing but vilify it. Lies are everywhere, but smart and wise people don’t fall for them. It is one’s moral responsibility to have a conscious and distinguish between a lie and the truth. I won’t tell you what is right or wrong, or make you see what picture is white and which is black. You have a mind of your own, and a sight of your own; all you have to do is open your eyes wide and see for yourself where truth lies.

During the crisis, so many masks have fallen, and the true faces of so-called friends have come to the light, only so I’d see they have never really been friends! It hurt like hell, but I am glad the big picture is now complete, and is left out there in the open for me to contemplate; thankful that God has  enlightened me with the truth. I don’t regret that I have been good and truthful to people who did not not deserve it, because that is how I have been raised; to be good and treat people with kindness and always have good intentions, until proven wrong. 

Yes, I do feel wounded, and it still hurts me to think how cruel and evil and prejudiced some people can be, but I don’t feel sorry for being me. I don’t judge people based on their beliefs or religious approaches. I don’t think or act sectarian, and I am proud of that. To those who have antagonized me for no reason, and misjudged me based on their own beliefs and views and lies that know no limits, I don’t think like you do, and don’t act like you do.

A final word to all the fake friends, thank you for making me see your true faces. Thank you for making me stronger, and driving me to stand taller. I do stand out by the way, you know why? Because I believe love conquers hate and antagonism. Flowers bloom at the end of every storm, no matter how long it takes them to gather strength and regain their beauty. Likewise, pure hearts and peaceful souls are what prevail in the end. They are what people remember and crave to be close to.

My story here today, is certainly one of love. It is love that I speak of, never hate, never antagonism. Remember, it is always easy to break trust, and a hundred times harder to regain it!!

An enemy, or a friend?? 
I guess it is hard to know who is who these days!!   

Things I learned

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend, titled "Things I learned in life", which she quoted from a blog she came across by coincidence. I was inspired by what I have had the pleasure to indulge in. I believe you should all read it, and judge for yourself whether or not you could relate to it. Enjoy!

"Things I learned in life"

• I've learned- That you cannot make someone love you; all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
• I've learned- That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
• I've learned- That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds you destroy it.
• I've learned - That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
• I've learned- That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
• I've learned- That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
• I've learned- That it's not what happens to people that is important. It's what they do about it.
• I've learned- That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• I've learned- That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
• I've learned- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
• I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
• I've learned- That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
• I've learned- That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
• I've learned- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
• I've learned- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
• I've learned- That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
• I've learned- That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
• I've learned- That learning to forgive takes practice.
• I've learned- That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
• I've learned- That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
• I've learned- That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
• I've learned- That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.
• I've learned- That sometimes when I am angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
• I've learned- That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
• I've learned- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
• I've learned- That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you have celebrated.
• I've learned-That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
• I've learned- That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't just biological, but of the soul.
• I've learned- That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• I've learned- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
• I've learned- That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
• I've learned- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
• I've learned- That sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
• I've learned- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
• I've learned- That sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
• I've learned- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• I've learned- That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
• I've learned- That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• I've learned- That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt in the process.
• I've learned- That there are many ways of falling in love and staying in love.
• I've learned- That no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
• I've learned- That no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the time you need them most.
• I've learned- That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
• I've learned- That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
• I've learned- That writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
• I've learned- That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
• I've learned- That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• I've learned- That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
• I've learned- That although the word "love" can have many different meaning; it loses value when over used.
• I've learned- That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

A heart for sale.!

What do we know about hearts?

I know my question sounds a little weird, but if I were to ask you to define 'Heart' for me, what would your answer be? Rationally, the answer would be a scientific and medical definition, and that is:  "the viscus of cardiac muscle that maintains the circulation of the blood". My guess is that such a simple definition is what could pop into one's head if asked such question. Well, I am not really looking for a scientific answer for my question, for it is far from what I want to say here.

When I was a kid, I learned everything I needed to know about hearts, for educational reasons. What I didn't know back then, and what the teacher hasn't explained to us is the fact that hearts are breakable. It is funny the way we process information and knowledge in our minds as children, and how we see and perceive things ever so simply and innocently. Had I known that a heart not only bleeds, but breaks easily, I would have gone to all lengths to immunize it against hurt and suffering. If I had known that as a child, I would have taught myself, much earlier, not to succumb to good-heartedness and emotional generosity, I would have avoided empathy whenever I could, and shown nonchalance to those who deserved it.

Just for the record, it does not have to be a man that has brought me to this conclusion. Yes, it is love that weakens you all the time, but one does not have to be 'in love' to be heartbroken. My story is different; I am not in love, but alas heartbroken!

A friend can break your heart, and they do it so bad you cannot break free from the pain, no matter how hard you tried!

I wonder, why is it so easy for some to inflict pain on people who have opened their hearts to them and embraced them at all times, without stopping for a moment to think twice?
Why do we have our eyes wide shut when we shouldn't!
Why do we keep falling in the same trap once and twice! Maybe it is sheer naivety, or exaggerated good intentions!

At this point, I find myself unwilling to process it all in my mind; I am far too weak to search for answers I don't have, or maybe cannot handle at the moment; given my current state of heart.

Once upon a time, I was told that you always get as much as you give. I believed the fairytale, but today I think it is too good to be true, for some people just don't realize that hearts are breakable, and MUST be handled with utmost care.

That is him!

 

I have been asked, once, by a follower of my blog about my own checklist for 'Mr. Right'. He was interested to know what I look for in a man, and what could make someone qualify as the perfect match for me, after reading my post titled "Her checklist, and my checklist". At the time, I promised to dedicate a whole post to answer that question; I think it is only fair that I do so because for one thing a promise is a promise. The other thing that made me decide to write this post is my knowledge that some of the people I know think I am looking for the impossible, and that I am asking far too much of a guy! Honestly, there is nothing impossible or hard to find in my checklist.

The first thing I need to stress here is that I am not looking for the 'PERFECT' catch; I am certain that no one is perfect and everybody in this wide world has flaws. Looking for perfection is a delusion, and I am certainly not after delusions. What I seek and hope to find is my perfect match, and there is a huge difference between wanting a perfect catch and my perfect match, whom I want to be perfect for me as person, and suit my mentality and fulfill my emotional needs and go in harmony with my lifestyle as a whole. It is a fact that some people are definitely ill-suited and others do click from the very first instant they cross each other's paths. Is that even close to impossible? Everybody wants to be a hundred percent certain that they choose right, and that they click with their partners. I am waiting for that click, and I cannot force my mind to react or make a decision unless I get that inexplicable and emotionally puzzling feeling that is said to be all a lady needs to know she has met the one.

Now I know you must be wondering who could qualify as Mr. Right. So, let me tell you! The thing I know about myself, and people who know me in person do see in me as well, is that I am a romantic, and a little far from being realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Having a romantic and an emotionally generous partner is very important to me. I like to portray myself as a flower that could fade away and perish if not properly nurtured; emotionally that is. I love to be pampered and handled delicately by my partner, not spoiled of course, for I know men don't have enough patience to attend to their ladies' wants and needs all the time. I'd be naive to think such men exist, wouldn't I?

Here is another thing, I want a man who mentally stands with me on the same platform! I am not saying I want a total intellectual, but we have to at least be mentally compatible. I am an analytical person; I like to see into things and think carefully before I take a step forward, and I want my partner to like that about me, so he doesn't think I am being annoying or sophisticated. I am a thinker; my friends and relatives say so about me! I like to weigh matters and think thoroughly before I react or make a judgment about anything. Am I being a perfectionist when it comes to that?? I write, and dream of becoming a great author almost every day, so I expect my partner to respect that and admire it, not discourage me or make fun of my aspirations! I want him to understand me and provide me with as much support as that I would give and take interest in the things that define me as a person. I have this strong belief that being discouraged or taken lightly when it comes to what I want to do with my life only means there’d be this huge and impassible void between the two of us, and that a vital part of me will gradually die, as a result of which I’d either become someone I don’t recognize or resent my partner for taking that away from me; for not seeing or understanding what I want him to render special and different and characteristic of me. 

Unfortunately, our society is full of men who only want to change their partners according to their likes and preferences, and transform them into symbols of a fixed image they have in mind; as though we have no will or freedom of choice, or a say in what we look forward to having in a life-transforming step such as marriage! Don’t we all dream of being liked and chosen just the way we are; with all our qualities and flaws? Why change another according to what we want? Why not accept them and love them without having to impose our beliefs and ideas and mindset on them? Is that what partnership is about? Is it something we should accept and give in to, or else we’d be called arrogant and demanding??  Frankly, I don’t understand how so many men think and act as such! And I wouldn’t want to give up ‘me’ just to satisfy someone’s ego! I want my future partner to choose me for who I am, and love me insanely just the way I am. I do have a strong mind, but I am not arrogant or uncharacteristically stubborn just for the sake of standing out as the ‘Hard to please’ kind of woman. All I am asking from a man is to approach and see me right. All I want is for him to decide and believe that I am the 'ONE’ and ‘ONLY’ for him. It takes charm and intelligence, and I do like these two qualities in a man.            

I am not asking for an extraordinary man, all I want is the one I perceive as extraordinary, and right and perfect for me, for who I am. I am not hard to please, or a lady whose heart is hard to win, as much as I am a lady who seeks to be charmed by her perfect match; by the one I have always imagined could truly sweep me off my feet and take my breath away and totally dazzle me, not by out of this world qualities, but by being a true gentleman, a man of respect, morals, and genuine inner beauty.  

All I want is to choose right, and be chosen by the man I pray for my heart to recognize, and beat for at the right moment, and eventually whisper to me “That is him.. That is the one”! 

Cupid, hit me.!

It is 'Valentine's Day'!!

Yes.. It is the day that people from all over the world wait for; expectant, enthusiastic, and somehow anxious! Men and women of different ages and beliefs spare no effort to make this one day a 'once in a life time' event, and a day to always be remembered and celebrated with zeal and a passion that knows no limits. Of course some of them have a 'Valentine', and others don't, which makes all the difference! Those who have would expect their partners to go to all lengths to make the day as special as it could get, while those who have not might feel a little sorry for themselves, and would most probably pray for a miracle to make the dream come true! I know it because I have heard it around me for so many times I lost count. Apparently, everybody wants a 'Valentine'!

Though Valentine's Day is not an occasion to be celebrated in Islam, thousands of Muslims do celebrate it extravagantly. They wait and plan for it, and it means a great deal to them. It is the day on which some hearts soar with love and anticipation for memorable moments, and memorable words.

I don't have a 'Valentine', and many ladies out there don't either. Yet, I am happy for all those who have. I heart you people and wish you a life, not just a day, full of love, and that kind of passion that does not wait for a day once a year to come to life and thrive along the way. Don't wait for the 'Valentine's Day' to be happy and love and live, make every day a Valentine's.

To all my ladies out there, don't pray for Cupid to hit you, for it will only happen when God sees it is the right time for you to meet your other half. Just be happy and think about the love that is all around you. I cannot say that I don't want to fall in love, or that I don't think about it often, but deep down I know he is out there, and that he will come my way only when it is the time.

For now, enjoy the day everybody..

Wish you love.. Love.. And more love..

I belong here..

Whenever I think of blogging, I get this inexplicable rush of excitement, mingled with peace and comfort. Yes, when I blog; when I post a thought, a notion, or simply speak out something I need to set free, I feel just as free; as though I have been blessed with the chance to breathe fresh air, away from all and everything that could pollute that freshness.

Maybe I don't come here as often as I should, but that does not change the fact that it is where I belong, and where I don't think twice before I willingly let you all in on my world, on me; on a person some of you knows next to nothing about! As I am back here today, not thinking while writing this; only giving in to the  beauty of the present moment, I feel fresh and alive; like all my worries and anxieties have been driven away by a force stronger than I could fathom.

A blog is a friend, it is a loyal companion that is always there for you, at your times of need and when you think the world has turned its back on you. A blog  is a good friend almost anytime you crave a good listener to whatever it is you need to say. At times, you just need to babble, scream, nag or even speak gibberish! At times, you feel lonelier than ever, more confused than ever. At times, one feels as though they have lost all ability to talk, so they write! They express themselves through their words. When I woke up this morning, I knew instantly that I needed to write, I needed to blog. As much as I'd want to make you see it all through my eyes, today I am wordless than ever. Still, I need to write.. I need to be here!

This might be the case with some of you, and for others it could a whole different story, yet I believe that despite all our differences, we somehow share the same passion. When we blog, when we take the time to sit and post something, regardless of what it is, we express a unique passion towards what we do and who are when we do it.

Some of you would understand this; would understand me, and some might not. Some would see through me, and others wouldn't! Nevertheless, I am here, and will always come back to the one and only place that has an infinite capacity to listen. So many things I know, and so many things I don't, but I am here.. I am here because I love to blog, and I love me when I blog.

I am here because I know I belong here..
 

Where do we go from there??

Sometimes, unexpected things happen to us; events we haven’t planned or even thought could occur to us at a certain point in time. Yet, they do happen, and when they do, they often take us by surprise. 

At first, we question whether or not we should allow ourselves to be whisked away by the suddenness and beauty of that ‘event’, whether we should begin to hope and see beyond what the eyes could see! We start to make plans, we start to hope, and dream!

Usually,  we take it all for granted and assume everything could, or would, happen according to how we have always seen it once upon a dream, only because we had an initial hunch about it; a so-called ‘CLICK’! We don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we are being delusional and over optimistic; in which case we don’t brace ourselves for the painful disappointment that follows the ‘Oh so sweet a feeling’!

Sometimes we put too much hope in a dream, an idea, a fantasy we have long waited for to come true, and people we find likable enough to believe they fit into that big picture of ours! Ironically, it all goes wrong; leaving behind a mental and emotional mess; a broken heart and a wounded ego! Only when the storm passes and we are once again able to see clearly, we realize that not all dreams come true, and what the eye sees is not necessarily the ultimate truth. Apparently, we only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe.

Standing at a crossroads today, I wonder why when we start to hope only a little, all hope is crushed mercilessly! Why do we have to cry when what we really crave is a heartfelt laughter, a hand to hold, and a heart to embrace for eternity? Why are we often in for disappointment and heartache when we least expect it?

When we stumble and fall,,

When we cannot hold back the tears,,

When we hurt a lot we cannot find the right words to say,,

Where do we go from there??

Her Check list,, and my Check list

Last night I watched the movie titled ‘Beauty & the Briefcase’, which my brother has recently seen and recommended to me. I think he knew in advance that the movie would click with me, and he was right! I strongly related to it.

The film stars Hilary Duff as a fashion journalist who works undercover to write an article on dating businessmen, or more to the point on falling in love in the workplace. She had this check list which contained the 10 qualities she was looking for in the man of her dreams, whom she thought only existed in the world of business; with endless men wearing suits!

The bottom line is, Hilary; ‘Lane’ in the movie, finally came to the conclusion that it was not possible to find everything she was looking for in one man, and that sometimes one could end up falling in love with the one guy who is far from being ‘qualified’ for your so called check list. And that what happened to her, for she realized that all the time she was in love with her boss, who had zero of her check list qualities.

When the movie ended, I found myself traveling down the same path she took, and asking myself whether my fantasies about Mr. Right have inadvertently turned him into a ghost of a man, a ghost I have familiarized myself with and learned to accept in my life; if only by sheer fantasy.  I cannot say that I have a check list for my dream man like Lane, or that I don’t! What I know is that it is only normal to want to find certain things in the man of my dreams, but what matters to me the most is the ‘click’ thing that has been killing me since I cannot remember when!

Well, I felt happy for Lane; for her discovery and self revelation, and at the same time I felt a little sorry for my hazy emotional state of mind. I feel as though I am turning into another ‘Lane’; believing that decent men don’t exist anymore, and that the time of fairytales is really gone, which actually leaves me dreaming and fantasizing more and more, and thinking to myself “How does a real click happen to people?” And “When and how mine will happen?”.

But really, how does one end up believing, or not believing, in such somehow ‘Realistic”  fairytales??

It is here

It is here, once again
Eid is back..
Eid is back when Ramadhan seems to have only began yesterday!

I am still in Ramadhan’s mood people;P

I miss it already and I feel as though I am bidding farewell to a dear friend!

It is amazing though eh?
The way time passes ever so quickly; drawing us closer to all the moments that we thought were distant moments that won’t come as quickly!

Yet, this is how time works and we can never stop it!
So, Eid Mubarak my friends and I wish you all a great time celebrating with your families and beloved ones.

Welcome Ramadan

The Holy Month of Ramadan is tomorrow Insha’Allah!
I am totally excited… And Happy… And so at peace with myself and the whole world!

I am in love with this Holy Month, and I wait for it ever so patiently every year!

I hate to speak about how I always feel when the end of it draws close! So I am not talking about that today!

I just want to wish you all a Happy and a blissful Ramadan...
Hope you fill it with good deeds and fruitful Godly acts!

SO

Ramadan Kareem my dears…
May Allah bless us all with his mercy…
And bless the souls of all our departed beloveds, whom I wish were here with us to share our joy today!

They will always be in our hearts…
And we will never forget them…

You are in our prayers…
Every moment…

Whatever has become of us??

 

Last Friday, I was lying on my bed late at night, with my younger brother lying next to me. We both had our Blackberries glued to our hands; each  searching for ways to be entertained and drive boredom away; either by reading and re-reading the endless broadcasts sent to us throughout the day, or playing games, or surfing the internet aimlessly! At that very moment, I was not that much interested in my BB, and neither was my brother. I could feel that we both were lost for words, or more to the point lost in our own ways! Normally, we would never run out of topics to talk about, or encounter moments of awkwardness as to what to say, because we have always been so close to each other that I have constantly felt as though we could read each other’s minds ever so easily, and delve into a world of mysteries only we could unravel.

I have this special bond with all of my three brothers, whom I have learned to be so close to, and have succeeded in establishing quite an easy and carefree and solid relationship with. I miss them when they are not there, and I love hanging out with them and having them support and protect me at all times. They are  the light that guides me through the darkness and the safety harbor that can keep me afloat, and out of harms way! It is how I see them, and I know they would go to all lengths to see me happy , and smiling! 

That Friday night, I knew something was not right; I could see it in my brother’s haunted looks and that aimlessness emanating from him! I felt it inside of me too, and I did not need to confront my own demons to know that both of us were miserable in our own terms; trying to understand why and how we have become to be this much in need for some extraordinary event to make a true change in our lives and put that genuine and heartfelt smile back on our faces! When I turned to look at him, I saw my question reflected in his eyes, yet I could not find the answer I was desperately seeking. I inwardly wanted to deny the fact that I was fragile and breakable more than ever, but I could not; knowing it would have been a lie I would soon admit to myself. At that moment, I felt inconsolable and confused; wanting to know how and why I have lost that old zeal for life, surrendering to some strange and smothering gloominess that has cast a dark shadow on me and my little beloved family. Sometimes it is that hard to speak out your fears and anxieties, especially to your beloved ones; dreading the hurt you could inflect upon them at seeing and feeling you hurt!

There is this inexplicable air of uncertainty and apprehensiveness and melancholy that has suddenly taken hold of us and imprisoned us in a grip of iron, which seems almost unbreakable at times! When I sometimes look at the faces of my older and younger brothers, I feel that painful tug at my heart; knowing that each one of them is struggling to make their realities a reflection of their dreams! When I look at us now, I can see how far away we are from where we used to stand yesterday; once upon a time, when even the laughter had a different ring to it!

We used to build sand castles and feel so triumphant merely at being able to protect it from a persistently and incessant wave, whose only wish was to destroy our so called indestructible little castles! But where are we from all that optimism now? Why cannot we pursue ‘the dream’ with a little more stamina and stubbornness? Why do we stumble and fall way more than we did when we were little children?   

Whatever has become of me?
Whatever has become of them??

Whatever has become of us???

Hawaiian Birthday

Last night I was invited to my cousin’s birthday, whose theme she chose to be Hawaiian! We had to dress in Hawaiian costumes or anything resembling the theme itself, for which reason I wore a colorful gown with quite a nice and unfamiliar style overall. I left my hair falling on my shoulders in a natural and at the same time beautifully chaotic way. It looked as natural and carefree as I wanted it to be! I also wore matching make-up, which I did myself; I love to do my own make up.  Anyways, what really matters here is the decoration for the party! It was amazing and way beyond I expected! I mean, I knew in advance that my artist cousin will definitely make it look as close as possible to a true Hawaiian atmosphere and environment, but never had I expected her to pull it off like she did. For the record, she is studying interior design and is considered to be a true artist by almost everybody; amongst whom are her teachers. She took part in a number of fashion shows, at which she excelled and has proven to be a person with a true talent.

So, here we go…

   

She had this drawing placed at the top of the stairs, where we stopped before entering the big sitting room at which the party took place. She drew it herself, and I found it amazing! I truly loved it and I spent long moments admiring it! Great work sweet Fatooma.

Then….. We had to take our pick from the finishing Hawaiian accessories for our colorful outfits! She made them herself, again.

You cannot see the necklace I chose because I was wearing it while taking the photo! When we were done sorting our looks and putting the final touches on our dazzling dresses,,

We did this… Below!! 

She arranged these beach-like luxuries for her guests! The girls took plenty of photos on that rug, under the shade of that colorful umbrella. I think they did feel as though they were on the beach in Hawaii:P

After having all sorts of fun pretending to savor the Hawaiian paradise….

  

 We had the beverages corner all to ourselves! As you can see, she decorated it in a Hawaiian way, and filled it with the kind of snacks we needed! Fruits… oh,, and Juice of course!

  

I drank plenty of that fruit juice! Was so refreshing!

That was also yummy.. Ahem!!  

At last, came the yummy food! Oh my, the dishes were mouth watering indeed! All prepared by my beloved aunt! Hugs!!







There was Spinach & Chicken Béchamel macaroni, noodles, chicken and cheese sandwiches, garlic bread, mashed potatoes with chicken, cream and cheese, stuffed grape leaves, Kushari (Egyptian dish), thyme bread, pastries and other dishes! We had our taste buds treated and pampered to the fullest!!

Last but not least, the cake!!

The cake was unbelievable!! I won’t say a lot, because you have the picture to make you drool!!

I truly commend my cousin for the amazing and crazy and enjoyable party she threw! I had the time of my life, along with everybody else! We sang and laughed like crazy, and danced to the beats of Shakira’s Waka Waka song! I had to be taught the moves though! Crazy I know!!

Wow…
That was one hell of a wonderful and memorable birthday part, which I will always recall with a smile of enjoyment on my lips!

Thank you Fatooma!!

You are wonderful and you deserve all the best…
You will be Bahrain’s number one artist and interior designer god’s will!

Hugs..

I love you so much:))

For the memories

A few days ago, one of my colleagues showed me her graduation album, which she had especially designed and made for her and her family on the special and memorable occasion of her graduation from the Masters Program. The album was extraordinary and dazzling in every way. I enjoyed flipping through it and laughing at the specific meaning of each photo, as narrated by the girl. While she was telling us her story, the story of the time she had; making the whole event memorable and worthy enough of every single tear and laughter alike, I could not help but think that it is always us who truly create memories and make something big or small out of them! Her graduation could have passed as any ordinary event, if she had planned for things to go that way, but in reality she had not; she chose to make it the best moment of her life, a moment to always be remembered with joy and pride!

Her feeling was there in her smile, and the smiles of her family members and her friends. By the looks of it, I knew instantly that she had the time of her life that very day. I did not wait for her to verify my presumption; I knew it before I heard it from her. When I retired to my office later on, I found myself philosophizing about the true origin of our memories, and the way we choose to capture and solidify the meaning and significance of each one of our endless memories; and keep them there in a safe place in our minds and hearts, where we can always go back to them and sometimes do a lot of reminiscence. It is amazing indeed, how a single photo can trigger a lot of feelings and thoughts in the blink of an eye. Sometimes, one could do as little as look at a photo to be swamped by feelings of nostalgia and a strong craving that almost nothing can force to fade away!

It is utterly mesmerizing how our lives are made of a series of memories, which gather and pile up to create a lifetime of joy, happiness, hurt, anger, serenity, comfort, peace, hope, despair, pessimism, frustration, love, passion and so many other sentiments that I just cannot list here.

That day, that girl managed to make me think a lot and reminisce more than I thought I could do in one day! I found my mind going back to dwell on forgotten things, incidents and feelings I thought I had left behind; along with the memory they resembled! I did not know that my mind was capable of doing all that reminiscence, which eventually caused my heart to swell with feelings I could not describe or analyze at the time.

I wonder, though, whether we make our memories…
Or whether they make us who we are now.. today.. this moment!

You can't steal my soul

When we hurt, we tend to think that nobody, but us, is suffering excruciating pain. Our minds go totally blank, at which point we adopt a new bizarre belief; that the world should stop for our grief! I know it sounds laughable enough, and in reality it is, but we truly tend to think like that at moments of overwhelming sorrow, where logic just ceases to exist!

When we are gripped by an intense emotional pain or shock or great disappointment, we become an easy target for despair and lack of faith. We do not think; or rather stop thinking at a certain point in time. When such thing happens, voluntary blindness lead the way, and all sense of wisdom flies out the window, leaving us empty handed, devoid of all hope and resolve and strength of will.

Sometime and somewhere in the past, I used to think like that. When I was exposed to pain, on an emotional and spiritual level, I would feel as though the whole world came to a standstill at that particular moment. I would lose the ability to live normally and just opt for lack of action. Any attempt at dismissing and overlooking whatever or whoever it was that hurt me would always prove futile. It was always easier to let my grief wash over me and swallow whatever determination I had left. As convinced as I was of my unacceptable and pathetic attitude, I was fragile enough to surrender to it wholeheartedly; not minding its abhorrent grip on me. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I guess it is normal and expected that some of us would feel and behave that way! The mind is not always as resolute and stubborn and capable as we wish for it to be; it has its moments of weakness and lack of will.

Reflecting on the past now, I look at all my previous mishaps with a smile of recognition and a look of wisdom; this arises from my faith that every tear I shed back then was not wasted, for I was solely tested by God, and strengthened with every fall along the way. I know that I did not have this perspective and sense of wisdom at the time, but I am glad now that I have managed to learn that every fall that does not kill you, certainly makes you stronger. I know that I am now much stronger than before.

Maybe I did not know that years back, when it was easier to break my heart and my spirit, but time has changed me tremendously. Well, they say that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief. I know that now, and I believe in it. I cannot say that the journey of learning was an easy one, not at all; it was full of moments of sheer despair and skepticism in almost everything and everybody.

When you are back-stabbed, you are bound to fall into this trap, where you stop trusting and believing in others, but what is worse is for you to stop believing in yourself! That can scare the life out of you, believe me. Yet, there are always good people, who storm into your life like a gentle breeze and make you whole again. When they do that, you are completely saved and blessed. Such people, who I like to refer to as angels, are always willing to extend a helping hand and show you the way out of your dark hole. They make you smile frequently, if not constantly. They fill you with the kind of love that never fades away; it is always there, making you a better person and making your life complete in almost every sense.

A wise person once told me that human beings are always bound to spread anarchy amongst themselves one way or another, and that no matter how pleasantly and peacefully life seems to go for you, there is always the possibility that hurt will come your way, and that someone will inflict pain on you and make you realize that life is not a fairy tale. Maybe I did not want to believe that when I heard it the first time, but I did at the end; I believed it and saw the sense in it. And because I did that, I have learned that some people are simply not worth the fuss, nor do they deserve a moment of regret or heartbreak. We are always and forever better off without those who do not deserve us and do not see our true worthiness.

You might wonder why I am telling you all this, well, I am saying it because I know that there are many people out there who have felt what I felt in the past, or others probably going through the same as I am speaking! I am telling you this because we always learn from each other’s mistakes, and this is undoubtedly the best way to learn and avoid what could be avoided.

Always remember that some people can hurt you, they can make you cry, they can even break you to an extent, but no matter how deep your wounds are; never let those people believe that they can steal your soul, for it is the only thing that will always belong to you.

To be able to stand tall amongst a crowd and scream ‘You cannot steal my soul’ is certainly a victory whose value is always and forever priceless, immeasurable and definitely mind-blowing. It makes you triumphant in every way.