June 15, 2009

He likes me,, he likes me not?!

How many of you have picked out a flower once, and decided to test if the person you had a crush on felt the same way about you by taking out the flower's petals; one by one, chanting to yourself all the while: He/She likes me, He/She likes me not?!

Honestly, I did that a long time ago; back when I was a little girl with a ponytail, but it was not for a boy I had a crush on! I mostly did it to figure out whether or not I would score the highest grade at an exam or a quiz or anything of the sort! Funny as it may sound now, I did believe that by doing so I could really know my fate in advance! And of course, the same flower act would, back then, apply to all kinds of uncertainties and stuff I had doubts about! Yet, I don't remember ever doing it for a guy I longed to know if he shared a feeling I had for him!

Well, now that the idea has popped into my mind, taunting me to do it just for the sake of fun, I cannot help but think about what it would feel like for me to do it wholeheartedly and for real; thinking all the while about a face I cannot seem to be able to forget, or close my eyes in a stupid attempt to make it go! I cannot help but imagine how I would feel if I were this girl in the picture; praying for God that the man she likes would feel the same way about her! Does it feel sweet, painful, heaven or hell? I do not know, but I do want to know!

Sitting in the solitude and quiet of my room, tapping on the keyboard writing this, I find myself wondering if that someone would ever read this, and if he does read it, would he close his eyes and try to see my face behind his closed eyelids? Would he think of me throughout his day and before surrendering to sleep at night? Would he go back to the very first line just to read the piece once again; only without knowing why he did it?! Would he have that funny yet beautiful smile of recognition on his face every time he remembers bits and pieces of the things I said??

So many questions here and so many what ifs! Only I do not know the answers to them, and he probably does!

June 09, 2009

Burn brightly.. Never burn out!

While driving to work this morning, I have had that strange sense of emptiness and disorientation, which kept my mind busy going all directions! I asked myself one question then: "What is it you are not happy about?", and though it took me some time to figure out what it was, I knew it was there at the back of my mind; waiting for me to acknowledge it to myself and admit to the truth in it!

Anyway, when I arrived at work, I sat thoughtful at my desk; trying to sort out the mess both inside my head and that on the desk infront of me! There were heaps of papers and I truthfully felt at a loss as to from where to start clearing it out. Just for the record, I am normally not the kind of person who settles for such a chaos, but the past days I was unbelievably busy that I had to pretend I didn't see all the scattered items and papers lying just before my eyes. But now that I have finally had the chance to put everything back in its place, I certainly did just that! However, amongst the stacks of papers, I found a small yellow piece of paper on which I wrote, just a few weeks back, exactly four sentences. Well, the sentences were actually more of a "note to onself"; they are simply pieces of wisdom, which I have personally picked out and decided to keep to myself so they would always stand out as a reminder of the meaning they hold within. They are the following:

1. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
2. Burn brightly without burning out.
3. Sometimes in the wind of change, we find out true direction.
4. Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.

Well, the story-all of it- lies in the second one; which as you can see I have highlighted in a different colour. Reading it was all I needed to see the truth ahead of me and put my finger on the 'thing' that was disturbing me and giving me such a hard time! I was simply burning out; trying to light the way for the people I care about most! To read this one sentence once again, I relaized I have always been a candle burning brightly to others, but at the same time burning out!! Now that I have fully acknowledged it, I can tell you for sure that it hurts, it really does!

Now, some people may ask me what it is with me that always makes me talk "Emotion", and my answer to them is: it is because emotion is eventually what brings people together, it is the only thing left for every single one of us when nothing else matters; when everything else fades away and loses its value! After all, what are we but human beings? What are we but a pounding heart that can stop beating at any moment?! Sadly though, so many people just don't see that and they do grasp the full meaning of it, but only when it is too late to do so!

I know that some of you while reading this will wonder why I have written this, why now, and what made me feel this way! Well, I guess it is because writing is my way of releasing such sentiments! And what is a writer if not a sentimental? And one last thing to say, maybe by writing this, my message will reach those whom I hope will read it and realize that burning brightly is Never the same as burning out!