That much I want

In life, it is only acceptable and understandable that we'd take certain things/blessings for granted; as though it is the most natural thing that we should have what we have got. Some of us, or rather most of us, don't usually think of what we have in hand or appreciate it more until it is gone and no longer exists in our lives;  when it did exist moments ago, or a lifetime ago! I guess this is just human nature; it is the way things happen, the way people think and behave, not generalizing though.

I have been thinking about that a lot recently; given an annoyingly persistent emotional dilemma. However, there's always a trigger to certain thoughts and feelings; small incidents that could unleash mental and emotional chaos, loosening tight ends and messing with one's head. It is unstoppable, uncontrollable, and maddening at times.

Never have I longed to hold a baby in my arms as much as I do these days. It is like my heart has ceased to crave anything but the blessing of motherhood. I close my eyes and I see myself the mom I have always wanted to be. I close my eyes and I see a beautiful infant held close to my heart, where I can feel his little heart fluttering close to mine; telling me over and over again that he's the most precious piece of my being. I don't seem to be able to shake this feeling off anymore; as though it has become the spell I cannot escape. It tugs at my heartstrings whenever I see a pregnant lady or a mother with her kid. Do I sound maudlin?!

There's this inescapable need to love, and be loved. To become a wife and a mother, and have the life I have pictured in my head for countless times. As a teenager, it started as a fantasy; a girl's dream. But as a mature lady today; full of expectations and needs and hopes that I won't bear to have crushed, I want every bit of that long awaited dream to become the reality I long to embrace and be thankful for and enjoy to the fullest.

I want to experience all the insane things I hear about marriage, and at the same time bask in its beauty and savor its sane and memorable moments. I want to go through its ups and downs with the man I am destined for; if he is somewhere out there reading this. I want to be driven crazy with love at times, and with frustration at other times. I want to laugh, cry, smile, and sulk and do whatever else that comes with the package!

That much I want... That much I need... That much I dream of..!

That is him!

 

I have been asked, once, by a follower of my blog about my own checklist for 'Mr. Right'. He was interested to know what I look for in a man, and what could make someone qualify as the perfect match for me, after reading my post titled "Her checklist, and my checklist". At the time, I promised to dedicate a whole post to answer that question; I think it is only fair that I do so because for one thing a promise is a promise. The other thing that made me decide to write this post is my knowledge that some of the people I know think I am looking for the impossible, and that I am asking far too much of a guy! Honestly, there is nothing impossible or hard to find in my checklist.

The first thing I need to stress here is that I am not looking for the 'PERFECT' catch; I am certain that no one is perfect and everybody in this wide world has flaws. Looking for perfection is a delusion, and I am certainly not after delusions. What I seek and hope to find is my perfect match, and there is a huge difference between wanting a perfect catch and my perfect match, whom I want to be perfect for me as person, and suit my mentality and fulfill my emotional needs and go in harmony with my lifestyle as a whole. It is a fact that some people are definitely ill-suited and others do click from the very first instant they cross each other's paths. Is that even close to impossible? Everybody wants to be a hundred percent certain that they choose right, and that they click with their partners. I am waiting for that click, and I cannot force my mind to react or make a decision unless I get that inexplicable and emotionally puzzling feeling that is said to be all a lady needs to know she has met the one.

Now I know you must be wondering who could qualify as Mr. Right. So, let me tell you! The thing I know about myself, and people who know me in person do see in me as well, is that I am a romantic, and a little far from being realistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Having a romantic and an emotionally generous partner is very important to me. I like to portray myself as a flower that could fade away and perish if not properly nurtured; emotionally that is. I love to be pampered and handled delicately by my partner, not spoiled of course, for I know men don't have enough patience to attend to their ladies' wants and needs all the time. I'd be naive to think such men exist, wouldn't I?

Here is another thing, I want a man who mentally stands with me on the same platform! I am not saying I want a total intellectual, but we have to at least be mentally compatible. I am an analytical person; I like to see into things and think carefully before I take a step forward, and I want my partner to like that about me, so he doesn't think I am being annoying or sophisticated. I am a thinker; my friends and relatives say so about me! I like to weigh matters and think thoroughly before I react or make a judgment about anything. Am I being a perfectionist when it comes to that?? I write, and dream of becoming a great author almost every day, so I expect my partner to respect that and admire it, not discourage me or make fun of my aspirations! I want him to understand me and provide me with as much support as that I would give and take interest in the things that define me as a person. I have this strong belief that being discouraged or taken lightly when it comes to what I want to do with my life only means there’d be this huge and impassible void between the two of us, and that a vital part of me will gradually die, as a result of which I’d either become someone I don’t recognize or resent my partner for taking that away from me; for not seeing or understanding what I want him to render special and different and characteristic of me. 

Unfortunately, our society is full of men who only want to change their partners according to their likes and preferences, and transform them into symbols of a fixed image they have in mind; as though we have no will or freedom of choice, or a say in what we look forward to having in a life-transforming step such as marriage! Don’t we all dream of being liked and chosen just the way we are; with all our qualities and flaws? Why change another according to what we want? Why not accept them and love them without having to impose our beliefs and ideas and mindset on them? Is that what partnership is about? Is it something we should accept and give in to, or else we’d be called arrogant and demanding??  Frankly, I don’t understand how so many men think and act as such! And I wouldn’t want to give up ‘me’ just to satisfy someone’s ego! I want my future partner to choose me for who I am, and love me insanely just the way I am. I do have a strong mind, but I am not arrogant or uncharacteristically stubborn just for the sake of standing out as the ‘Hard to please’ kind of woman. All I am asking from a man is to approach and see me right. All I want is for him to decide and believe that I am the 'ONE’ and ‘ONLY’ for him. It takes charm and intelligence, and I do like these two qualities in a man.            

I am not asking for an extraordinary man, all I want is the one I perceive as extraordinary, and right and perfect for me, for who I am. I am not hard to please, or a lady whose heart is hard to win, as much as I am a lady who seeks to be charmed by her perfect match; by the one I have always imagined could truly sweep me off my feet and take my breath away and totally dazzle me, not by out of this world qualities, but by being a true gentleman, a man of respect, morals, and genuine inner beauty.  

All I want is to choose right, and be chosen by the man I pray for my heart to recognize, and beat for at the right moment, and eventually whisper to me “That is him.. That is the one”! 

I belong here..

Whenever I think of blogging, I get this inexplicable rush of excitement, mingled with peace and comfort. Yes, when I blog; when I post a thought, a notion, or simply speak out something I need to set free, I feel just as free; as though I have been blessed with the chance to breathe fresh air, away from all and everything that could pollute that freshness.

Maybe I don't come here as often as I should, but that does not change the fact that it is where I belong, and where I don't think twice before I willingly let you all in on my world, on me; on a person some of you knows next to nothing about! As I am back here today, not thinking while writing this; only giving in to the  beauty of the present moment, I feel fresh and alive; like all my worries and anxieties have been driven away by a force stronger than I could fathom.

A blog is a friend, it is a loyal companion that is always there for you, at your times of need and when you think the world has turned its back on you. A blog  is a good friend almost anytime you crave a good listener to whatever it is you need to say. At times, you just need to babble, scream, nag or even speak gibberish! At times, you feel lonelier than ever, more confused than ever. At times, one feels as though they have lost all ability to talk, so they write! They express themselves through their words. When I woke up this morning, I knew instantly that I needed to write, I needed to blog. As much as I'd want to make you see it all through my eyes, today I am wordless than ever. Still, I need to write.. I need to be here!

This might be the case with some of you, and for others it could a whole different story, yet I believe that despite all our differences, we somehow share the same passion. When we blog, when we take the time to sit and post something, regardless of what it is, we express a unique passion towards what we do and who are when we do it.

Some of you would understand this; would understand me, and some might not. Some would see through me, and others wouldn't! Nevertheless, I am here, and will always come back to the one and only place that has an infinite capacity to listen. So many things I know, and so many things I don't, but I am here.. I am here because I love to blog, and I love me when I blog.

I am here because I know I belong here..
 

Where do we go from there??

Sometimes, unexpected things happen to us; events we haven’t planned or even thought could occur to us at a certain point in time. Yet, they do happen, and when they do, they often take us by surprise. 

At first, we question whether or not we should allow ourselves to be whisked away by the suddenness and beauty of that ‘event’, whether we should begin to hope and see beyond what the eyes could see! We start to make plans, we start to hope, and dream!

Usually,  we take it all for granted and assume everything could, or would, happen according to how we have always seen it once upon a dream, only because we had an initial hunch about it; a so-called ‘CLICK’! We don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we are being delusional and over optimistic; in which case we don’t brace ourselves for the painful disappointment that follows the ‘Oh so sweet a feeling’!

Sometimes we put too much hope in a dream, an idea, a fantasy we have long waited for to come true, and people we find likable enough to believe they fit into that big picture of ours! Ironically, it all goes wrong; leaving behind a mental and emotional mess; a broken heart and a wounded ego! Only when the storm passes and we are once again able to see clearly, we realize that not all dreams come true, and what the eye sees is not necessarily the ultimate truth. Apparently, we only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe.

Standing at a crossroads today, I wonder why when we start to hope only a little, all hope is crushed mercilessly! Why do we have to cry when what we really crave is a heartfelt laughter, a hand to hold, and a heart to embrace for eternity? Why are we often in for disappointment and heartache when we least expect it?

When we stumble and fall,,

When we cannot hold back the tears,,

When we hurt a lot we cannot find the right words to say,,

Where do we go from there??

Her Check list,, and my Check list

Last night I watched the movie titled ‘Beauty & the Briefcase’, which my brother has recently seen and recommended to me. I think he knew in advance that the movie would click with me, and he was right! I strongly related to it.

The film stars Hilary Duff as a fashion journalist who works undercover to write an article on dating businessmen, or more to the point on falling in love in the workplace. She had this check list which contained the 10 qualities she was looking for in the man of her dreams, whom she thought only existed in the world of business; with endless men wearing suits!

The bottom line is, Hilary; ‘Lane’ in the movie, finally came to the conclusion that it was not possible to find everything she was looking for in one man, and that sometimes one could end up falling in love with the one guy who is far from being ‘qualified’ for your so called check list. And that what happened to her, for she realized that all the time she was in love with her boss, who had zero of her check list qualities.

When the movie ended, I found myself traveling down the same path she took, and asking myself whether my fantasies about Mr. Right have inadvertently turned him into a ghost of a man, a ghost I have familiarized myself with and learned to accept in my life; if only by sheer fantasy.  I cannot say that I have a check list for my dream man like Lane, or that I don’t! What I know is that it is only normal to want to find certain things in the man of my dreams, but what matters to me the most is the ‘click’ thing that has been killing me since I cannot remember when!

Well, I felt happy for Lane; for her discovery and self revelation, and at the same time I felt a little sorry for my hazy emotional state of mind. I feel as though I am turning into another ‘Lane’; believing that decent men don’t exist anymore, and that the time of fairytales is really gone, which actually leaves me dreaming and fantasizing more and more, and thinking to myself “How does a real click happen to people?” And “When and how mine will happen?”.

But really, how does one end up believing, or not believing, in such somehow ‘Realistic”  fairytales??

Whatever has become of us??

 

Last Friday, I was lying on my bed late at night, with my younger brother lying next to me. We both had our Blackberries glued to our hands; each  searching for ways to be entertained and drive boredom away; either by reading and re-reading the endless broadcasts sent to us throughout the day, or playing games, or surfing the internet aimlessly! At that very moment, I was not that much interested in my BB, and neither was my brother. I could feel that we both were lost for words, or more to the point lost in our own ways! Normally, we would never run out of topics to talk about, or encounter moments of awkwardness as to what to say, because we have always been so close to each other that I have constantly felt as though we could read each other’s minds ever so easily, and delve into a world of mysteries only we could unravel.

I have this special bond with all of my three brothers, whom I have learned to be so close to, and have succeeded in establishing quite an easy and carefree and solid relationship with. I miss them when they are not there, and I love hanging out with them and having them support and protect me at all times. They are  the light that guides me through the darkness and the safety harbor that can keep me afloat, and out of harms way! It is how I see them, and I know they would go to all lengths to see me happy , and smiling! 

That Friday night, I knew something was not right; I could see it in my brother’s haunted looks and that aimlessness emanating from him! I felt it inside of me too, and I did not need to confront my own demons to know that both of us were miserable in our own terms; trying to understand why and how we have become to be this much in need for some extraordinary event to make a true change in our lives and put that genuine and heartfelt smile back on our faces! When I turned to look at him, I saw my question reflected in his eyes, yet I could not find the answer I was desperately seeking. I inwardly wanted to deny the fact that I was fragile and breakable more than ever, but I could not; knowing it would have been a lie I would soon admit to myself. At that moment, I felt inconsolable and confused; wanting to know how and why I have lost that old zeal for life, surrendering to some strange and smothering gloominess that has cast a dark shadow on me and my little beloved family. Sometimes it is that hard to speak out your fears and anxieties, especially to your beloved ones; dreading the hurt you could inflect upon them at seeing and feeling you hurt!

There is this inexplicable air of uncertainty and apprehensiveness and melancholy that has suddenly taken hold of us and imprisoned us in a grip of iron, which seems almost unbreakable at times! When I sometimes look at the faces of my older and younger brothers, I feel that painful tug at my heart; knowing that each one of them is struggling to make their realities a reflection of their dreams! When I look at us now, I can see how far away we are from where we used to stand yesterday; once upon a time, when even the laughter had a different ring to it!

We used to build sand castles and feel so triumphant merely at being able to protect it from a persistently and incessant wave, whose only wish was to destroy our so called indestructible little castles! But where are we from all that optimism now? Why cannot we pursue ‘the dream’ with a little more stamina and stubbornness? Why do we stumble and fall way more than we did when we were little children?   

Whatever has become of me?
Whatever has become of them??

Whatever has become of us???

You can't steal my soul

When we hurt, we tend to think that nobody, but us, is suffering excruciating pain. Our minds go totally blank, at which point we adopt a new bizarre belief; that the world should stop for our grief! I know it sounds laughable enough, and in reality it is, but we truly tend to think like that at moments of overwhelming sorrow, where logic just ceases to exist!

When we are gripped by an intense emotional pain or shock or great disappointment, we become an easy target for despair and lack of faith. We do not think; or rather stop thinking at a certain point in time. When such thing happens, voluntary blindness lead the way, and all sense of wisdom flies out the window, leaving us empty handed, devoid of all hope and resolve and strength of will.

Sometime and somewhere in the past, I used to think like that. When I was exposed to pain, on an emotional and spiritual level, I would feel as though the whole world came to a standstill at that particular moment. I would lose the ability to live normally and just opt for lack of action. Any attempt at dismissing and overlooking whatever or whoever it was that hurt me would always prove futile. It was always easier to let my grief wash over me and swallow whatever determination I had left. As convinced as I was of my unacceptable and pathetic attitude, I was fragile enough to surrender to it wholeheartedly; not minding its abhorrent grip on me. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I guess it is normal and expected that some of us would feel and behave that way! The mind is not always as resolute and stubborn and capable as we wish for it to be; it has its moments of weakness and lack of will.

Reflecting on the past now, I look at all my previous mishaps with a smile of recognition and a look of wisdom; this arises from my faith that every tear I shed back then was not wasted, for I was solely tested by God, and strengthened with every fall along the way. I know that I did not have this perspective and sense of wisdom at the time, but I am glad now that I have managed to learn that every fall that does not kill you, certainly makes you stronger. I know that I am now much stronger than before.

Maybe I did not know that years back, when it was easier to break my heart and my spirit, but time has changed me tremendously. Well, they say that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief. I know that now, and I believe in it. I cannot say that the journey of learning was an easy one, not at all; it was full of moments of sheer despair and skepticism in almost everything and everybody.

When you are back-stabbed, you are bound to fall into this trap, where you stop trusting and believing in others, but what is worse is for you to stop believing in yourself! That can scare the life out of you, believe me. Yet, there are always good people, who storm into your life like a gentle breeze and make you whole again. When they do that, you are completely saved and blessed. Such people, who I like to refer to as angels, are always willing to extend a helping hand and show you the way out of your dark hole. They make you smile frequently, if not constantly. They fill you with the kind of love that never fades away; it is always there, making you a better person and making your life complete in almost every sense.

A wise person once told me that human beings are always bound to spread anarchy amongst themselves one way or another, and that no matter how pleasantly and peacefully life seems to go for you, there is always the possibility that hurt will come your way, and that someone will inflict pain on you and make you realize that life is not a fairy tale. Maybe I did not want to believe that when I heard it the first time, but I did at the end; I believed it and saw the sense in it. And because I did that, I have learned that some people are simply not worth the fuss, nor do they deserve a moment of regret or heartbreak. We are always and forever better off without those who do not deserve us and do not see our true worthiness.

You might wonder why I am telling you all this, well, I am saying it because I know that there are many people out there who have felt what I felt in the past, or others probably going through the same as I am speaking! I am telling you this because we always learn from each other’s mistakes, and this is undoubtedly the best way to learn and avoid what could be avoided.

Always remember that some people can hurt you, they can make you cry, they can even break you to an extent, but no matter how deep your wounds are; never let those people believe that they can steal your soul, for it is the only thing that will always belong to you.

To be able to stand tall amongst a crowd and scream ‘You cannot steal my soul’ is certainly a victory whose value is always and forever priceless, immeasurable and definitely mind-blowing. It makes you triumphant in every way.

Yesterday

I know I have been lazy lately, and that I haven’t been posting much! It is inexcusable I know, but it has been a strange week, or rather a strange time for me altogether. I have not been reading much, or writing, or doing anything at all, and the whole thing seems as if I am standing at a certain spot staring in awe at my other active self; not knowing if I could go over there and be all ‘that’ once again. Strange eh?

When I woke up today, I got out of bed slowly and drew the curtain; letting the sun pour into my room and wash over me; bringing me into full consciousness and seeping into my brain to refresh all the dead cells and put me back on active mood again! I walked to my bathroom like a robot, washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes and switched on my PC; I do that all the time by the way, switching on my PC that is!

While waiting for it to get started, I looked out my window; at the neighborhood I have known since I was 9 years old, the neighborhood I grew up in and had all sorts of fun in. It was different when we first moved here 20 years ago; back then our house was the very first in the vicinity, but later more people started to build their houses and move in here. I looked at the street across from our house; the street that had witnesses my falls when I was trying to learn how to ride the bicycle. When I finally did learn how to do that, I spent most of my time roaming the neighborhood with my elder and younger brothers. Those times will always be unforgettable to me and to them. The three of us were full of life and adventurous to an extent that nothing could stop us from having fun; really having fun. We did all sorts of crazy things; I could go on and on about that you know;P

Now that I stood there taking in a view I am more than familiar with, I felt like an alien to all that surrounds me. I felt strange and a stranger as well. The neighborhood looked dreary to my eyes, devoid of life and devoid of all the fun I knew back then. I spent more than 10 minutes just looking outside my window, thinking about all that has happened from that moment; 20 years ago, until this very moment. I realized that so many things have changed, altering everything during its course of transformation into something I no longer recognize. In the blink of an eye, it dawned on me that life around me has changed, and not me as a person, and that all the while I was trying strenuously to come to terms with this change in people, in life, in habits, in beliefs, and almost in every other area. I was feeling a stranger to my own self because I could not accept that life is nothing like it used to be.

The streets, the neighborhood, the houses, and everything else I saw at my moment of reverie might have been be the same from the outside, but they have somehow lost their glow of life! They looked dead to my eyes because they have lost their interest in life along the way; they no longer fill me with that unique sense of joy, all they do now is fill me with nostalgia!

It felt scary to stand there looking at the things that were supposed to make me feel ‘Home sweet Home’, and not know anything about them other than the fact that they felt new to me! I closed my eyes wanting so bad to shake that feeling off  and regain my peace of mind and heart, but the feeling would not go; it kept coming back to me every time I stared out the window and watched the wind play with the trees in our garden. There used to be that huge and ancient hibiscus tree just outside my window; it used to make me smile and feel like a little girl every time I looked at it, it is not here anymore, it died like so many other things, and when I look for it all I see is this vast emptiness, nothingness.

My late grandmother used to have lunch with us every Friday, and after lunch we would always have tea in the living room, where she would sit peacefully and look out the large window overlooking our garden. She looked so happy and content those distant days; as though she wanted nothing more than be there with us and enjoy the feeling of being happy. She died 4 years ago.

When I looked outside my window today, I remembered her, I remembered her peaceful smile. Something about the weather and the sun and the houses and my room made me remember her. I miss her, and I always feel like she never did leave us! She is my link to happier days and happier moments. 

Today, I just feel like getting back my beautiful Yesterday!!  

To be OR not to be!

I have just finished watching the amazing and inspiring movie “Julie & Julia”, which  I have been meaning to watch since forever, but every time I decided to do so, something got in the way, or some laziness on my part; for the sake of honesty. When I did finish it, less than a half hour ago, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was thumping so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack or something. Strange enough, eh?

Well here is the truth about why it has made me feel this way. Throughout the movie, I felt like a message was being delivered to me, like someone was telling me to see what I have to see, and understand what I should understand and believe in. I could see myself in Julie herself, I felt as though the story reflected me, and this one dream that has been chasing me; or me chasing it, almost all my life.

Before watching the movie, my eldest brother; done watching it, told me that I had to see it as soon as possible. I remember what he said to me back then, he said:

‘Julie & Julia is made for you! If you do not watch it at the earliest, then you are the stupidest person ever!’.

At the time, I was puzzled as to why he was that much enthusiastic about it. I asked him why he thought  I should see it, and he replied that it was just the thing to get me going and make me realize that I was meant to be another Julie! Now I know why he had that conviction and vision.

Let me tell you this, every minute throughout the movie, I saw myself in Julie’s shoes. I imagined it was my blog being popular and widely read and loved. In my head, I saw the moment where I would finally get my moment; “The Moment'” I have been seeing and living over and over again in my mind and heart. I saw myself being discovered, and acknowledged and appraised. I swear I am not being vain or ostentatious here; gloating about being masterly in writing. I am merely acknowledging something I know I have. Isn’t it always good to recognize what you believe you possess; what you see as a talent and a skill in yourself? Isn’t this the first right step towards real success?

 

You remember the days when we were still kids; fond of talking and babbling and giving life to life itself simply by having all sorts of dreams, thought to be silly at times? I remember how I kept telling my parents that I would grow up to be a writer! As funny as it seems now, I still go back to the things I wrote back then. My dad keeps a file for each one of us; my brothers and myself, where he kept all the documents and papers concerning us; certificates, cards, scribbles and all. You might laugh at this, but my file has the biggest share of scribbles! There are songs, letters to my parents, short stories and similar writings. When I had a disagreement with either mom or dad, I always ended up writing a letter of apology or one of anger; always checking how much they would endure my tantrums! Okay so I was spoiled; being an only daughter;D

My father once told me that I would indeed grow up to be a writer. That belief somehow grew bigger and has become the only thing I could think of making a reality one day. Believe me, back at school, I would enjoy nothing as much as I enjoyed writing. Even my teachers teased me about my unwillingness and reluctance to let go of the pen whenever I was given the chance to express myself, to speak my mind about any subject or issue. I was good at it, and I would always get an excellent mark that reflected my passion for writing.

So, time went by ever so quickly, and I ended up studying English Literature with a minor in translation at the University. I chose it because I loved it. It has given me all the guidance I needed to become more skilled in what I love; writing. It has intensified and solidified my faith in myself as a good writer, a person who is capable enough of using words to deliver a message, to communicate with people effectively and make a difference in their lives, no matter how insignificant that effect might be. However, the more I write, the more I realize that this is not enough, it is not where I want to stop, but only the beginning of a journey I am willing to take.

“Julie & Julia” was not the trigger to this desire, it was merely a reminder that I should work harder to pursue my dream; the dream of becoming a true writer! To put it right, it was all the inspiration I needed to keep myself going, to finish something I have started but lost the courage and determination to finish, somewhere along the way.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder about me, about this dream I have, about the future I so much want for myself, and the life I wish to lead. There is always this moment when I would ask myself this:

How readable do others think my writings are?
To which extent can I keep people hooked to my words?
Do they see me as a gifted writer?
Do they look forward to reading more of what I have to say?
Are they enthusiastic enough about me, and what I write?? 

The questions would of course go on and on, until I give up thinking, or give in to my fear of pursuing the dream. Sometimes I stumble and fall, and other times I just find myself gathering all the courage in the world and plan for the days to come; the brighter days, the days  that would pave the way for a brilliant future, one of glory and achievement.

As I stand at this crossroads today; asking myself the famous question; Hamlet’s question: To be or not to Be, I find my heart and my mind screaming at me To Be! I think we are all meant to be certain things in life, and to become the people we choose to become, it is just that our choices are what make all the difference, and distinguish one person from another.

For me, I don’t have the slightest shred of doubt as to what I want to become in life. It is just that sometimes I am blinded by this inexplicable and unbearable fear of taking one additional step forward. Sometimes I am once again that little girl with the pony tail; always fearful of falling and never having the strength to stand up again!

To be or NOT to be; that is always the question!

Henna Nostalgia

The other day I went to a friend’s Henna party. The overall atmosphere was great and I had so much fun being there and watching the girls enjoy their time dancing and signing and having pleasant and unforgettable moments in the company of the people they love and care about.

The theme of the night was ‘Indian’, so the bride and her sisters and also the kids wore Indian costumes, and so did I. For those of you who know the Arab Henna Party traditions, you would know that there is usually this  ‘Sufra’ thing, where there would be various kinds of decorations and beautifully designed pots and glassware, and of course giveaways. This is originally an Iranian tradition, but now it has become widely practiced amongst so many people, who consider it an important part of the wedding festivities. 

‘Sufra’ could be done in different ways, and now that it has become this popular, you would find endless creative ways to do it. The more I see of it, the more convinced I am of the fact that it is nothing like it used to be anymore. Nowadays it tends to be inventive and also innovative. People are coming with all sorts of ideas to make their ‘Sufras’ look more dazzling and appealing to the eyes!

Here are examples of different Sufras:

Of course these are only samples I have found on the internet, but I have seen much more beautiful Sufras that took my breath away! Anyhow, back to the Henna party I went to, the giveaways they had were colored coffee cups covered with small pieces of glittering chiffon cloth. Inside those cups, there was Henna, sprinkled with red and green glitters; just like the bride’s dress. They gave me six cups, and because I knew I would not use them all, I had to empty some of the Henna inside so it would not dry up and go to waste. So I went to my bathroom and put those cups under the tap, for the henna to be washed away. While I was doing that, I could smell the fragrant smell of the henna. It was so strong that I just could not do anything but stand there sniffing it with a wide smile on my face; indulging in its magical and unique aroma. I am a henna person by the way, I just go weak in the knees at the sight of henna and I would be so proud and jubilant every time I had my hands painted with henna.

 
The one thing you probably do not know about what henna does to me is that it fills me with a strange and overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I did experience it while I was washing those cups of the henna. It always reminds me of something ancient and pure and worthy. It makes me think of happiness in the true sense of the word. When I smell henna, I see myself going back in time, when my cousins and I would have our hands painted with henna for Eids and weddings. That was always the first thing we thought of, amongst our other endless preparations for Eids and wedding parties alike.

Henna makes me nostalgic for days that would never come back, for a childhood I will always remember with pride and fondness.

Henna is a symbol for the past, and a future I cannot fully see. It is a token of love and remembrance, and a ticket to a rare kind of joy and happiness. It is the identity that has preserved its value over so many generations which I cannot even keep track of.

It is love.. It is joy.. It is the smile of a happy and a proud bride. It is learning how to belong to something that spiritually means a lot to you.

Henna…
It is my secret nostalgia!

Nearly Impossible.!

There are things in life that I do not expect to do, not now, and not in the near future! Well, maybe, just maybe, a day would come when I'd find the guts to do some of them; but most certainly not all of them!!

• I don't expect to ever be free of my obsession with shopping;P
• I don't expect to overcome my fear of locusts and cockroaches!
• I don't expect myself to have the guts to open my eyes at night after I hear any sound I think of as freaking scary!
• I don't expect myself to stop worrying about my weight any time soon!
• I don't think I can bring myself to find any excuse to a hypocrite!
• I don't think I can be a total optimist.
• I don't expect to stop blushing in a an extremely noticeable way whenever I receive a compliment or a reproof, or when I get embarrassed for any reason at all!
• I don't think I can gather enough courage to act rude to rude people, even at the times I ache to do so.
• I don't expect to stop being so romantic to the extent that I just cannot stop wanting and craving things that cease to exist; or so I have been told.
• I don't expect to ever become the kind of person who emotionally heals fast.
• I don't think I have the ability to forgive people who have back stabbed me when I did nothing to deserve that.
• I don't expect to be rid of my passion for chocolate.
• I don't think the day would come when I would fall out of love with everything Italian;D
• I don’t expect to be able to hold back the tears every time I watch ‘Gone with the Wind’, or stop sighing whenever I watch ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, or not be spiritually and emotionally and mentally overwhelmed when I watch ‘V for Vendetta’! 
• I don't expect to break free from this intense feeling I have for traveling, having fun, watching movies, reading, writing, being a dreamer;a silly romantic sometimes, and most important of all I don't expect and don't want to stop being me; just the way I am.

I cannot decide when I will or won't do any of the above;P

Don't say a word..!

We all have secrets, and we all have issues that we'd rather keep to ourselves and never let anyone on in. We probably do this because we prefer to have some privacy, but sometimes we do it because we choose to not reveal some things in fear of appearing fragile and breakable before the eyes of the people surrounding us!

You are definitely wondering about my secret at the moment.

And, you are most probably asking yourself about this thing I am attempting to reveal here.

Don't try too hard, for I am here to unravel the mystery myself!!

When I open my blog to post something new, I always feel like coming home, like I have been lost in the middle of nowhere and finally found my way to the one place that truly comforts me, the place that makes me feel at peace with myself and the whole world.

When I blog, I am free of any and every fear that might prevent me from talking to you freely. When I touch the keyboard, I don't think twice before letting my words fly high to reach you; every single one of you out there. My blog is my haven.. It is my refuge.. It is my little paradise.. It is where I am totally and completely free; free to speak.. Free to scream.. Free to cry.. And laugh.. Free to present you with the chance to see through me, to know me, to understand the real me.

I am not here today to talk about my love for my blog; I think you all know that by now;P

I am here to set me free.. To say the thing that I have been dreading to say out loud because I did not want people to think of me as a complainer, or see me as someone who does not accept what has been destined for her by Allah; that is not having a sister.

Here goes, the secret is out; I am sad because I do not have a sister!! Do not say a word, though;D 

I know I am not the only one who does not have a sister, and I swear I thank Allah every minute for blessing me with friends who are closer to me than anybody, and whom I cannot see life without because they are an essential part of me, without whom I know I cannot survive.

It is just that sometimes loneliness closes in on me, suffocates me beyond reason.. Beyond comprehension; making me blind with a strange kind of grief, one that does not give me the chance to breathe properly because it sucks all the air out of my little world.

Last night, while lying on bed trying so hard to lull myself to sleep with pleasant thoughts, I found myself wishing so bad I had a sister, with whom I could babble till late at night, and go crazy with like sisters normally do, without once stopping to think whether or not  she'd understand me at all times.

I could not stop myself from imagining what it'd feel like to have that sister stay with me in the same room, with her bed right next to mine, when on the weekends we would get ready for sleep, but would end up talking and talking and talking about all the silly and non-silly things in the world until time ceases to exist for us, or until one of us falls asleep mid sentence! Now how beautiful do you think that image is??

When I have such thoughts, I feel so lonely, and so bereft that I could hardly hold the tears back. At such moments, all I wish for is the ability to block the tantalizing 'I wish for this' and 'I wish for that' and stop myself from turning into a bitter version of myself. When loneliness chooses to pay me a visit, I pray for peace of mind and heart to conquer it and put the smile-My smile- back on my face.

Truth is I sometimes cannot help but fall victim to such negative thoughts and sentiments, but I am still thankful for all the happy and wonderful and extraordinary moments I got and still get to live with all my friends/sisters out there. You know yourselves and you know how much I love you and Will always do. I will never stop being there for you all whenever you need me.

 
To all of you who happen to read this, and who have real sisters, keep them safe all the time. Show them how much you love them and treasure every moment you spend with them. Don’t ever underestimate the value of your sister; a sister is a treasure that only those who are deprived of know what it is like not to have. 

Love your sisters..
Treasure them..