Her Check list,, and my Check list

Last night I watched the movie titled ‘Beauty & the Briefcase’, which my brother has recently seen and recommended to me. I think he knew in advance that the movie would click with me, and he was right! I strongly related to it.

The film stars Hilary Duff as a fashion journalist who works undercover to write an article on dating businessmen, or more to the point on falling in love in the workplace. She had this check list which contained the 10 qualities she was looking for in the man of her dreams, whom she thought only existed in the world of business; with endless men wearing suits!

The bottom line is, Hilary; ‘Lane’ in the movie, finally came to the conclusion that it was not possible to find everything she was looking for in one man, and that sometimes one could end up falling in love with the one guy who is far from being ‘qualified’ for your so called check list. And that what happened to her, for she realized that all the time she was in love with her boss, who had zero of her check list qualities.

When the movie ended, I found myself traveling down the same path she took, and asking myself whether my fantasies about Mr. Right have inadvertently turned him into a ghost of a man, a ghost I have familiarized myself with and learned to accept in my life; if only by sheer fantasy.  I cannot say that I have a check list for my dream man like Lane, or that I don’t! What I know is that it is only normal to want to find certain things in the man of my dreams, but what matters to me the most is the ‘click’ thing that has been killing me since I cannot remember when!

Well, I felt happy for Lane; for her discovery and self revelation, and at the same time I felt a little sorry for my hazy emotional state of mind. I feel as though I am turning into another ‘Lane’; believing that decent men don’t exist anymore, and that the time of fairytales is really gone, which actually leaves me dreaming and fantasizing more and more, and thinking to myself “How does a real click happen to people?” And “When and how mine will happen?”.

But really, how does one end up believing, or not believing, in such somehow ‘Realistic”  fairytales??

To be OR not to be!

I have just finished watching the amazing and inspiring movie “Julie & Julia”, which  I have been meaning to watch since forever, but every time I decided to do so, something got in the way, or some laziness on my part; for the sake of honesty. When I did finish it, less than a half hour ago, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was thumping so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack or something. Strange enough, eh?

Well here is the truth about why it has made me feel this way. Throughout the movie, I felt like a message was being delivered to me, like someone was telling me to see what I have to see, and understand what I should understand and believe in. I could see myself in Julie herself, I felt as though the story reflected me, and this one dream that has been chasing me; or me chasing it, almost all my life.

Before watching the movie, my eldest brother; done watching it, told me that I had to see it as soon as possible. I remember what he said to me back then, he said:

‘Julie & Julia is made for you! If you do not watch it at the earliest, then you are the stupidest person ever!’.

At the time, I was puzzled as to why he was that much enthusiastic about it. I asked him why he thought  I should see it, and he replied that it was just the thing to get me going and make me realize that I was meant to be another Julie! Now I know why he had that conviction and vision.

Let me tell you this, every minute throughout the movie, I saw myself in Julie’s shoes. I imagined it was my blog being popular and widely read and loved. In my head, I saw the moment where I would finally get my moment; “The Moment'” I have been seeing and living over and over again in my mind and heart. I saw myself being discovered, and acknowledged and appraised. I swear I am not being vain or ostentatious here; gloating about being masterly in writing. I am merely acknowledging something I know I have. Isn’t it always good to recognize what you believe you possess; what you see as a talent and a skill in yourself? Isn’t this the first right step towards real success?

 

You remember the days when we were still kids; fond of talking and babbling and giving life to life itself simply by having all sorts of dreams, thought to be silly at times? I remember how I kept telling my parents that I would grow up to be a writer! As funny as it seems now, I still go back to the things I wrote back then. My dad keeps a file for each one of us; my brothers and myself, where he kept all the documents and papers concerning us; certificates, cards, scribbles and all. You might laugh at this, but my file has the biggest share of scribbles! There are songs, letters to my parents, short stories and similar writings. When I had a disagreement with either mom or dad, I always ended up writing a letter of apology or one of anger; always checking how much they would endure my tantrums! Okay so I was spoiled; being an only daughter;D

My father once told me that I would indeed grow up to be a writer. That belief somehow grew bigger and has become the only thing I could think of making a reality one day. Believe me, back at school, I would enjoy nothing as much as I enjoyed writing. Even my teachers teased me about my unwillingness and reluctance to let go of the pen whenever I was given the chance to express myself, to speak my mind about any subject or issue. I was good at it, and I would always get an excellent mark that reflected my passion for writing.

So, time went by ever so quickly, and I ended up studying English Literature with a minor in translation at the University. I chose it because I loved it. It has given me all the guidance I needed to become more skilled in what I love; writing. It has intensified and solidified my faith in myself as a good writer, a person who is capable enough of using words to deliver a message, to communicate with people effectively and make a difference in their lives, no matter how insignificant that effect might be. However, the more I write, the more I realize that this is not enough, it is not where I want to stop, but only the beginning of a journey I am willing to take.

“Julie & Julia” was not the trigger to this desire, it was merely a reminder that I should work harder to pursue my dream; the dream of becoming a true writer! To put it right, it was all the inspiration I needed to keep myself going, to finish something I have started but lost the courage and determination to finish, somewhere along the way.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder about me, about this dream I have, about the future I so much want for myself, and the life I wish to lead. There is always this moment when I would ask myself this:

How readable do others think my writings are?
To which extent can I keep people hooked to my words?
Do they see me as a gifted writer?
Do they look forward to reading more of what I have to say?
Are they enthusiastic enough about me, and what I write?? 

The questions would of course go on and on, until I give up thinking, or give in to my fear of pursuing the dream. Sometimes I stumble and fall, and other times I just find myself gathering all the courage in the world and plan for the days to come; the brighter days, the days  that would pave the way for a brilliant future, one of glory and achievement.

As I stand at this crossroads today; asking myself the famous question; Hamlet’s question: To be or not to Be, I find my heart and my mind screaming at me To Be! I think we are all meant to be certain things in life, and to become the people we choose to become, it is just that our choices are what make all the difference, and distinguish one person from another.

For me, I don’t have the slightest shred of doubt as to what I want to become in life. It is just that sometimes I am blinded by this inexplicable and unbearable fear of taking one additional step forward. Sometimes I am once again that little girl with the pony tail; always fearful of falling and never having the strength to stand up again!

To be or NOT to be; that is always the question!

Avatar… more than a movie!

 

I have finally seen the legendary movie “AVATAR”, the movie I have heard a lot about; from almost everybody,  the movie that has evoked the most stunning reaction worldwide! For me to say that James Cameron is an exceptionally brilliant director and writer will certainly not add to this genius’s history of outstanding creations, for he is indeed a Genius,  without me having to say that about him! And anything I would say here won’t serve this movie; Avatar, justice!

Throughout the 162 minutes movie runtime, I was literally glued to my seat, just like every other person in the cinema, and I truly felt like all of us could not and would not dare blink, for the fear of missing a second of it all! Everything about the movie was extraordinary, outstanding, spellbinding and certainly mind blowing. To feel like you are no longer in the real world, no longer on planet earth, is a feeling you won’t get in any movie other than avatar, believe me!

I was there, in Pandora, and I could feel and touch life, to the last little detail. I could no longer pay attention to the people around me, I could not even open my eyes to the fact that I was watching a movie. The hypnotic and mind blowing effect of it makes you forget where you are; it just takes you beyond time and beyond place, right to the heart of Pandora, right in the middle of the navii.

Usually, I am not short of words or expressions, but right at this moment, I find myself struggling to come up with the right words to describe my experience, watching this visually, emotionally and spiritually mesmerizing movie. I swear I did not want it to end, I just wanted it to last for as long as it could get, for it was one of the best cinematic experiences ever. There is so much about it that one cannot but surrender to its magic; to the spiritual richness it beholds.   

When I left the cinema hall, I felt like I was walking on air, like my mind and heart and soul no longer belonged to me, they were floating in Pandora, relishing a sensation so rarely found! The experience avatar puts one through does not end as the movie comes to an end, it lingers with you for longer than you would expect. The sense of amazement, and that perplexing emotional peace you get out of it seem to stay with you endlessly, forcing you to lose yourself to it completely.

“ I See You ” is what I can also say to Avatar! To the epic that has touched me so deep that I failed to hold back the tears more than once, throughout all the magic it held for me to capture.

Believe me, you do not want to miss the movie that truly has a soul of its own! The movie that is more than just a movie, and so much more than an epic.

Serendipity

Can once in a lifetime happen twice?

Well, I believe this to be one hell of a thought provoking question, or more to the point a “Hope Provoking” question! It was written on the poster of the movie “Serendipity”, and it is the kind of phrase whose choice of words will undoubtedly have me end up including the movie in question, whether serendipity or any other movie, on my list of movies to watch.

I didn’t see this movie in the cinema; I came across it by sheer coincidence a long time ago and decided to watch it. It did not disappoint me the least. On the contrary, it made my day at the time and caused me to have that little flutter of the heart, which occurs whenever something touches me so deep; to the extent of taking my breath away, making me want to lose myself completely and unconditionally to a world of mesmerizing heart warming little  fantasies that never cease to overwhelm me totally.. completely.. and most definitely mind bogglingly! 

Last night, I was aimlessly going through the sometimes frustratingly boring channels of the Showtime Network, and I accidentally came across ‘Serendipity’, again! About 45 minutes of the movie running time had already passed, but that did not matter to me. A huge smile, one of utter happiness, played over my face at my twist of luck. But of course it was Christmas Eve and Serendipity was the perfect movie to play on such an occasion.

So, I watched the movie with a sense of joy, and my attitude throughout the rest of it was that of someone watching it for the very first time! My heart raced with anticipation and thrill. I found myself smiling stupidly; trying to contain myself from breaking into tears at the extent of romantic love being played before my eyes, only I stopped myself from doing so because my father was watching the movie with me! When the final scene arrived, that of Jonathan and Sarah meeting again at last, I could feel the lump in my throat, and I did surreptitiously dab the tears from the corner of one eye. I am a pure sentimental, that much I admit!

When I later went to bed, I found myself wondering if 'ONCE’ in a lifetime can truly happen ‘TWICE’!! The answer was not there for me though, it never was!

Atonement..

It was 2:30 in the morning, on a Friday night, and me all by myself in dad's office at home- bored and unable to sleep!!

The TV was switched off, so I grabbed the remote control and switched it on; having absolutely no idea as what to watch at that time!! The first channel that came to my mind was 'Rotana Zaman", as I have always been a fan of old Egyptian movies, especially those starring Fatin Hamama, Omer Sherif, Rushdi Abatha or Ahmed Mazhar! God how much I love them all, and do not tell me they did not possess the most irresistible charisma of all at that time;) Well, I do believe they did, and to my utmost bafflement they still manage to sweep me off my feet every time I watch a movie for them!!

However- to my dismay- there was nothing appealing enough to keep me entertained in that particular channel, so I flipped through a number of other channels and I finally reached the "Showtime series". At that time, one of the 'Home Cinemas' was showing 'Atonement'. I couldn't help but get excited at reading the title in the middle of my random search, and I thought to myself: Well, this is it!! This is a movie to be watched wholeheartedly!! Of course it wouldn't have been my first time to see it, for I watched it at the cinema the first week it was released! BUT, it was already the end of the movie, with the list of cast moving before my eyes ever so slowly, when I pressed the number of the channel on the remote control; anticipating an emotionally grabbing experience all over again!!

Nevertheless, I did not change the channel, nor did I switch the TV off in desperation!! It was the music that stopped me dead in my track, seducing my sense of hearing; forcing me to simply give in to its charm and just drift away, not caring to know where or in what land I would end up! Indeed I did travel with both my mind and heart, to a place beyond this cozy little office, and far beyond this dreary land; where I saw myself running barefoot outside that cottage on the beach, traveling down the exact path that 'Cecelia' in the movie followed. I was free.. I was hopeful.. and alive!

The same thing had happened to me at the cinema back then, leaving me glued to my chair; mesmerized by that intense beauty of the magical soundtrack, composed by the brilliant Dario Marianelli. I vividly recall how I felt at that moment; gripped by an indecipherable yet an amazing sensation! It stayed with me even till after I left the cinema headquarters and went home. I was miraculously at peace with myself and the whole world!! I loved the movie, I can assure you of that, but the music was a different story altogether. I have something for acoustics, that I admit.

On that night in my father's office, it had happened again; that music captured me one more time, seeped into my very soul; hypnotized my senses; taking me on a journey I did not want to ever let go of! I remember the way I rested my head on the back of the sofa I was sitting on, the way I closed my eyes and surrendered, totally and willingly, to the melody and that blissful sound!

Now that I am here, writing this post and listening to the full atonement CD, I find myself wondering about those great composers of the greatest ever classics like Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, Tchaikovesky, Vivaldi, Chopin, Bach and many others; and I cannot but feel dumbfounded by their genius and that one of a kind splendour of their musical pieces. Nothing can ever compete with the glory they have reaped through their dazzling music. Yet every now and then someone like 'Dario' comes by, and manages to stun us by music such as that of atonement.

You may ask me, what is so special about atonement's soundtrack?

Well, the answer is as simple as that: it is that deep sense of melancholy coming to life with every stroke on the violin and every caress on the piano keys! It is that vigor it possesses, which makes it sound as though it had a life of its own! It is definitely the feeling of inner peace it masterfully implants deep within, luring me and falling on my ears like a chant of faith and pure content every time I listen to it.!

In short, it is that incomprehensible feeling of the act of atonement materializing right before us, through listening and dedicating the most delicate of senses to appreciate the beauty of music; the magic of translating melodies into never ending sensations!!