Without a face!

Dear No Face,

As easy as it used to feel to write to you, today I find myself feeling as awkward and confused as ever! I have never before felt at a loss for words; when I write to you I don’t think, I just allow myself to feel for you and give way to my feelings to carry me to you, wherever you may be.

Long ago, I thought that once I have found you, I’d run to write the long awaited letter; to a real face for the first time. Back then, I thought I’d have it in me to announce it to you, and let you know that I could finally address you without having to wonder how you’d look like. Now I know it is not as easy as I had initially thought!

 

As I write this letter today, I find myself thinking about a real person I know next to nothing about, even his face I don’t remember as vividly as I’d love to. Strange, isn’t it? I mean, against all odds, I am somehow still addressing a ‘NO FACE’, though you now have a face and an identity! For the record, I hate how it feels; it is a hundred times worse than before.

 

Why did it have to happen this way? Are you punishing me for giving you the title ‘No Face’? Is that why I have to be imprisoned within the circle of not knowing? I guess you might have it your own way this time, but I still have the memory to cling to, for as long as it takes you to realize you are bound to me too!

 

Until that time, and until all the pieces fall into place, I shall leave you to wonder. I have no doubt you do that occasionally, even when you refuse to admit it to yourself. Call it a crazy hunch from a dreamy lady, but that is how it is for both of us; something inexplicably magical is drawing us together, and neither of us knows how to escape it.

 

Can I break this crazy spell? I don’t know!

Can I stop thinking and asking myself what and why and when and where? Again, I don’t know!

 

It is crazy, and it feels as though I am walking on thin ice, and I do have a big question mark that screams ‘YOU’. So, if you know the way out of this mess, do tell!!

 

Dreamer

How am I supposed to live without you?

9 May 2010

Dear NO Face,

The wisest way to start this letter would be to admit that it has been a decade since I have written anything to you. It feels all new to me, for  I know that writing these somewhat absurd letters to you is an essential part of my life, without which I always feel as though something huge was missing.

Well, this long abstain from writing is something I cannot fully explain or find excuses for; to myself so to speak. What I know is that I have been trying not to do this; not to write anything, not to give you life, not to make you real when you are not. It frustrates me sometimes to think of you as a vivid someone, a ‘face’ I can easily relate to and paint in my everyday dreams without finding any difficulty in belonging to; emotionally and mentally and spiritually. At times, it makes me feel stupid and on the brink of insanity, but the only thing that keeps me clinging to you is my knowledge that what I am doing is brilliant one way or another. Giving you life provides me with a rare kind of emotional peace that life has deprived me of. You know that when such a thing happens, some of us opt for the fantasy, don’t you? I know I have, and you are my fantasy.

Sometimes, I do fight the urge to write to you, and I succeed in keeping you in the shade for a while, but I always end up missing you, and thinking of all the things I could and would tell you. People-oh- I mean things like you usually prove to be better listeners than some real people. You have the heart I crave for in reality; the heart of a true angel. I miss that, and I miss you, but above all I miss the part where you become a reality, and a face I could see and recognize and recall every time I close my eyes. I cannot say I do not do that now, but the only difference is that I do not see you, I cannot fully see you.

For all the past weeks, I have been waiting for the inspiration I needed to write this letter, and feel this connection with you again. I was lost for that inspiration, and it did not come to me even though I did feel it deep in my heart. I knew that this moment would eventually arrive, and that I would-once again- sit here and type these words for you, and feel the peace of heart you give me whenever I miss you and need you like I do now. 

You  want to know in what form the inspiration came? It was there in Michael Bolton’s song ‘How am I supposed to live without you’. When I heard it by coincidence today, I instantly thought of you and found myself wanting so bad to write this letter; if only to tell you that I have indeed missed you, and that I cannot do without you. When I sat and typed these words, I realized that I do not need a song to inspire me, because it is you who do that. You inspire me to hope, and dream of the real version of you, and when that happens; when I do that, I know that I can always welcome tomorrow with open arms and pray for better and brighter days to come, days that hold the promise of you, and your face; the face I do not really know by sight, but know very well by heart.

Don’t you agree with me that this is a blessing? That having this much intense feeling for something I believe in is a victory you and I should acknowledge? I know I do, and I know that I will always ask myself this same question: How am I supposed to live without you?

Until I unravel your mystery, my No Face, and get to finally thank God for the gift of you in my life, I shall always wonder, and ask you questions, and enjoy this rapport I share with you; a rapport that holds hope and love within, and fills my life with just as much love in return.

Until then, sweet No Face, I want you to know that I love you dearly, and miss you like I always do.

Love…

Dreamer

My Valentine..

14 February 2010

Dearest No face,

I still find it fairly difficult to communicate with you after long intervals of absence, such as this one! I know it has been a while since I last wrote any letter to you, and as inexcusable as this might be, I find myself unable to justify it properly, to myself, let alone to you! It is strange, isn’t it? For someone to get this much attached to a phantom, an illusion, a fantasy that relates in no way to reality. Yet, I am always full of excitement whenever I grab my pen and write yet another letter to you.

There is this strangest and most powerful feeling overwhelming me at this very moment, while I am writing this to you. I cannot quite explain it, and I wonder if you would even get it, but I am happy and joyful in a way that I haven’t felt for quite sometime. Every word, every expression, and every single sentiment accompanying these words here is true in every sense, that much I want you to know, and that much I certainly want you to believe, for the fact that you are a No Face does not change the truth that I am pleased by your existence in my life, no matter how crazy or laughable this might sound to some. Every single one of us out there needs something to cling to, to believe in, to find consolation in. When I think of you, and when I write to you, I find all the consolation I need, and more importantly, I find content, and the smile that everybody wants to see drawn on their lips.

You know, until late this morning, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day! It took me sometime to make the connection, and when it hit me that it was indeed February the 14th; Valentine’s Day, I was disoriented for a moment or so. I thought to myself, here comes another Valentine’s Day without your real presence in my life. This day would have turned out differently if you were for real, and I would have been a happier woman, don’t you think?

They say everything happens for a reason, and there is a perfect time for every occurrence in life. I cannot deny the fact that your absence makes me sad and fills my heart with a kind of hollowness that only you can fill, completely. However, an inexplicable intuition; stronger than anything else, keeps telling me that you are closer to me than ever, that I’ll finally get to see you, and fall in love with you, only this time for real.

I believe in Allah,, in destiny,, and I also believe in you,, in my love for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day my Sweet Valentine..

Love,
Zainab

A Fan of Kitchens, Part B: Do Dreams Come True?!!

19 January 2009
6:45 am


Dearest No Face,

Do you remember my letter to you about me being a big fan of kitchens? I know it goes back to March last year, but for the people who have had the pleasure of reading it at the time of its publication in my blog, it goes back to yesterday! So most of them did not know about my emotional attachment to kitchens and my fancy dream kitchen until yesterday.

Anyways, when I did post that letter my eldest brother read it along with everybody else who learned that another letter was out. Guess what, he gave me that nice sympathetic smile and asked me if I was seriously hoping to witness such lovely dream get crushed by the cruel big hands of our painful reality! Of course I asked him why he thought so, and he replied that for one thing a beautiful heavenly scenery did not go well with an environment closer to a desert than an oasis! I then looked at him and said: " Da!! I will create my own heavenly scenery in my own house and make it a hundred times more beautiful than that dry & depressing surrounding!!" Though I secretly wished I could be anywhere but here; in a place where I'd be surrounded by the color green, a view of the lake and snow in winter!!

Never mind that! After a moment of silence he asked me once again if I truly was that much hopeful about my so called 'No face' one day turning out to be the perfect and absolute 'knight in shining armour', who would miraculously happen to be made to my liking and who, again, would happen to fit the image I have about him to the last teeny-weeny detail! And who would of course grant me my every wish, including that fancy kitchen to be!

I guess at that moment my expression said it all without the need to utter it out loud! Well, I with all due respect to realists in this world-including my big brother- do truthfully hope so!

Gosh! What is wrong with dreaming? What's wrong with wanting the best and praying all the while for the fairy tale to become true?! I mean after all it is just a kitchen; in truth a spacious kitchen in a cozy beautiful house with a paradise-like view of a heaven-like garden! It is that simple;)
And yeah one more thing, it should be shared with my no face, who by a twist of luck and a touch of pure magic may- Notice me saying MAY- turn out to be the dream guy with that love story made in heaven! Here goes, I said it all in one long breath!

Well.. Well.. Well! Dreams don't always come true and cows don't fly and it is not raining men; let alone perfect men the 'McDreamy' sort! 'McDreamy'..? Grey's Anatomy? Oh yeah there you go;)) I am a Huge fan by the way!

Okay okay so I dream big!! Let me be!! I might break my heart or my neck or whatever in the course of this dreaming big thing, but that's me; the lady who cannot stop dreaming! The lady who still believes in happy endings, bed time stories, Cinderella and prince charming and I don't know what else that comes in the package!

BUT, it never kills you to dream, it kills you not to!! So, how close to my dream could you be Mr. NO FACE??

Well, regardless of the pessimism surrounding me, threatening to swallow me, I still love you! And I love my big brother; though a complete realist who always reminds me that the stuff of dreams will eventually bring my downfall!

Love,
Zainab

A Fan of Kitchens!!

2/3/2008
8:00 PM

Dearest No face,

Have I ever told you that I am a big fan of kitchens?! Guess not;P
But now you know..!

Well, I do have a thing for kitchens! I go weak in the knees whenever I come across a picture of a kitchen design in a magazine- I am exaggerating here a little you know-;) It's funny I know, but I cannot help it! Whenever that happens, you'd find me intently staring at the picture and completely lost in thought!

For a start, I'd picture myself the proud owner of that kitchen, or even a better one, and having it all to myself as my special haven, where I'd have the freedom to come up with all kinds of delicious dishes! I'm a good cook by the way, not bragging here;D

My kitchen, the one I dream of having in my future cozy little married nest would be spacious; what happened to the "little cozy nest"! Never mind that, it would be as I said spacious and bright and colorful! I'd love to have it designed very professionally and the most important thing is that it be open on the living room; in a European like style! The other thing is to have it contain elegant low windows overlooking a beautiful garden! The dining table should be placed where that breath-taking view could be completely visible and available for the eyes to enjoy! A dark dreary kitchen is out of the question!!

Here comes the climax of my dream, I'd step into that fancy kitchen of mine, my paradise, and I'd cook.. and cook... and cook! Well, you'd eat it all no doubt! Without me forcing you to do so, though;))

It's good and refreshing to have such a dream; it fills my soul with an intense sense of a joyous anticipation like that of a kid expecting the gift of his dreams on his birthday! It might be silly and insignificant to some, but to me it is a part of a much bigger dream! What I see here is the big picture, and that is enough I guess! Don't they always urge us to aim for the larger picture! This is what I am doing baby!

Now please pleeeeeeeease wherever you are and whoever you turn out to be, grant me this dream kitchen, promise my dear dear no face!

I shall leave you with this splendid image-dream- to entertain you the rest of the day;P

I love you

Zainab

No Face.. Happy Birthday!

Well, it is "No Face"..

Again..

After a long absence and plenty of waiting from so many people!!

Here goes, another letter, the second actually..

However, just a small note, the letters I will publish here will be of my choice,,

that is: I might skip some and choose particular ones, but all of them would start from the oldest to the newest-most recent- in terms of time (dates)!

Today's letter is dated 12, April, 2008

And just so you know, it is right the second one I wrote after that first one;)

Enjoy!!

12, April, 2008

00:00

Dear No face,,

It's my birthday today!! I've turned 26, and it feels so unlikely overwhelming!!
I cannot say why it does, but to me it feels different from my previous birthdays!!

At the moment, I'm lying on my bed writing this letter to you and wondering how this birthday would turn out if you were a real person, with a face! How you would react to it or what you could come up with to celebrate my day and turn it into a very special occasion!

If you were real, you'd definitely be a romantic person, a very romantic person so to speak! Don't ask me why I'm even assuming this, it is just a gut feeling I have about you my sweet;P

Well, birthdays are supposed to be happy and exuberant occasions, but as you grow up they start to take a totally different turn. I'm not saying that because I'm obsessed with age or getting older; not at all! I'm not the least reluctant to declare to you that I have turned 26! Actually, I'm happy to announce that; 26 for me is the peak of femininity and maturity.

For me, every additional year is an enhancement to my wisdom and my sense of knowledge and awareness of my surroundings and people and all. Yet, those distant birthdays of my childhood years were different; they tasted different!

Back then, birthdays merely implied a big party, friends and family gathering and lots of presents. I guess back then we were completely oblivious to the underlying spiritual and psychological concept of 'Birthdays'. Nothing truly mattered to us except having fun and opening the gifts zealously at once!

Of course there's nothing wrong with that, it's normal, accepted and expected! It is just that today I feel different, the 'birthday' thing feels different. Besides my spontaneous thrill at my birthday, there's the feeling of anxiety and wonder. I cannot deny that I look and feel pensive today, but it's beyond me really. I know you must be feeling puzzled by my reaction, you might even be asking yourself questions now, right?

The thing is, as you enter your twenties it's like you begin to wake up from your stance and shake off that cocoon of past ignorance and nonchalance! You unconsciously start to want more of life and you become more demanding when it comes to your expectations regarding the future! At a certain point in time, you sort of become restless, kinda undecided and needy! The future all of a sudden turns into something scary; in the sense that it troubles you to try and digest the thought of not knowing who you'd become in this vast universe! I'm talking big here, aren't I??

I don't know whether you understand what I'm talking about or not, but I'm full of questions today, full of fears and expectations! Today, I have moved a step closer to my unknown destiny, towards tomorrow, which I cannot but pursue with huge and endless dreams and ambitions tucked safely deep within!

Now that I'm literally a day older than yesterday, I'm planning to simply dream big! Isn't that what wise people in life advice us to do; to dream big? Well, I'll do even better than that; I'll dream bigger!!

So, for now: Happy Birthday to me;)


Love,
Zainab

No Face: The first letter..

Remember NO Face?
My imaginary knight on paper?
Today, as promised, you will read my first letter to 'HIM'..
The very first letter..
Which I wrote in April, 1, 2008
Every now and then I will post one of those letters..
 
SO..
With my knight,,
With my love,,
I leave you...

1 April 2008

12:30 am

Dearest No face,

Here I am writing my first letter to you, and it feels damn awkward to do so! I have to admit that I am in a loss for the proper words to use here, but I am not supposed to feel so because our little game here makes it imperatively necessary that you understand me! You are supposed to be ‘THE ONE’, which explains it all! It is true that neither of us knows the other in reality, but let us forget about reality and go for the sweet fantasy. Let’s pretend that we know each other very well; more like soul mates, in which case understanding each

other will be a natural thing for both of us.

I know if you were real, things might turn out differently! But let me ask you this: do not people write diaries as though they were addressing a human, not some inanimate object that cannot do them any good except comfort them of course! Still, this remains a very healthy method of release! Therefore, I thought I would create my own from of diaries, with you as my refuge and my sanctuary!

So, how do we start? I believe people usually start their letters to each other by a greeting! Therefore, here is a big hello to you my sweet; it is great knowing you are here by my side, if only in a sheer fantasy! The funny thing is I feel like I do know you, and by that I mean truly know you! You know, sometimes when I close my eyes at night, I see you in my mind’s eye, and believe me though without a tangible identity do I see you, it gives me pleasure & peace just to live the feeling of having the idea of you in my little world, in my dreams, and my day to day activities!

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you! I always see you standing tall, smiling for me and guarding my every step! I know it sounds crazy, but it does happen and I never want to wake up! Now hear this out, never did you have a face in any of those dreams; it is always a bright spot of light covering your facial features making it impossible for me to complete the image I have for you in my mind! Thus, I have named you “No face”! And don’t worry, not knowing how you’d look like won’t stop me from writing to you, because my heart will lead me to the true you one day, that much I know and that much I believe! You should believe in that too my love, in your heart of hearts you just have to know me, you have to find me! And when you do, I would expect you to read this letter to me aloud;)

I am filling you with surprise, aren’t I?! Well don’t be! Even if the whole idea of me writing to you feels incomprehensible to you, just let it be, and let me be.

I guess I am running out of words here, and it is probably too much for you to take in all at once. So, until my next letter, just remember this: 

To the dream I write,

To a heart wide awake,

To a vision that keeps

Haunting me..

To my blindness

When I lose the way!

Love you,
Zainab

No face!!

For a start, what I am going to present to you here might sound strange and even crazy for those who do not know me, and who would probably question my sanity and wonder whether the whole story is what it is and what I say it is or whether it is a totally different issue that I am not willing to share with you and thus have intentionally manipulated either to delude you or stir your interest and imagination all the same!!

Well, rest in peace because I am doing none of that!! But first let me tell you something that will make it a whole lot easier for you to understand my way of thinking and the reason I have written the letters, some of which you’ll read in my next post!

You know that people have their own different ways of expressing themselves, whether mentally or emotionally. Some opt for talking and letting into the open whatever it is they want to express, some choose to remain silent and analyze their thoughts & feelings on their own and others do that in writing! By now I am sure you know that I belong to the last category! When I do that, I do not do it because I lack the ability to verbally express myself, but because writing is a totally different story for me! Every time I choose to do that, I experience a sense of freedom and peace unlike any I have ever felt! By writing, I find myself and I succeed in capturing a whole new victory regardless of what I write; that is whether it be a pleasant or an unhappy experience.

Of course that does not have to be in the form of a personal journal (diaries), it could always be spontaneous heartfelt scraps of writing that are not necessarily done on a daily basis; just whenever there is a special incident or a certain thought that needs to be passed on to paper, as a memento or a means of achieving spiritual release or comfort!

Now back to my point, or fairytale if you wish to call it that, I have found myself a somewhat unusual way to communicate with myself and speak out my mind! You are dying to know how, aren’t you?

Well, I do this by writing letters, every now and then, addressed to a guy who has no name, no form and no identity! In other words, a person who does not exist in the first place, at least not yet! Yeah yeah I know it is strange, but it is funny and at the same time so very relaxing! But do not worry I do not send them to a magical land or something, I just keep them safe amongst my many other treasures!

You know, I have always believed that speaking your heart to the person you love; your soul mate, is different and feels different no doubt! And although I haven’t found that person yet and I do not know what it feels like to be swept off your feet and have your heart beat crazily for the one & only person who is destined to be eternally yours, I still know by instinct that it is a unique and invaluable experience, which nothing can ever compete with. Thus, it is not wrong at all to refer to it as the very essence & meaning of life!

When reading one of these letters, however, you’d feel as though they were written to a real person, a guy who does exist! I do this on purpose and I do want them to sound genuine and true, or else they wouldn’t be as unusual as they are now!

Every single letter of these is addressed to my imaginary knight, whom I have named “No face”. So, our next stop will be with the very first letter I have written to (No face).

Until then, please wait for me and for “Him” with the same anticipation and enthusiasm!!