How am I supposed to live without you?

9 May 2010

Dear NO Face,

The wisest way to start this letter would be to admit that it has been a decade since I have written anything to you. It feels all new to me, for  I know that writing these somewhat absurd letters to you is an essential part of my life, without which I always feel as though something huge was missing.

Well, this long abstain from writing is something I cannot fully explain or find excuses for; to myself so to speak. What I know is that I have been trying not to do this; not to write anything, not to give you life, not to make you real when you are not. It frustrates me sometimes to think of you as a vivid someone, a ‘face’ I can easily relate to and paint in my everyday dreams without finding any difficulty in belonging to; emotionally and mentally and spiritually. At times, it makes me feel stupid and on the brink of insanity, but the only thing that keeps me clinging to you is my knowledge that what I am doing is brilliant one way or another. Giving you life provides me with a rare kind of emotional peace that life has deprived me of. You know that when such a thing happens, some of us opt for the fantasy, don’t you? I know I have, and you are my fantasy.

Sometimes, I do fight the urge to write to you, and I succeed in keeping you in the shade for a while, but I always end up missing you, and thinking of all the things I could and would tell you. People-oh- I mean things like you usually prove to be better listeners than some real people. You have the heart I crave for in reality; the heart of a true angel. I miss that, and I miss you, but above all I miss the part where you become a reality, and a face I could see and recognize and recall every time I close my eyes. I cannot say I do not do that now, but the only difference is that I do not see you, I cannot fully see you.

For all the past weeks, I have been waiting for the inspiration I needed to write this letter, and feel this connection with you again. I was lost for that inspiration, and it did not come to me even though I did feel it deep in my heart. I knew that this moment would eventually arrive, and that I would-once again- sit here and type these words for you, and feel the peace of heart you give me whenever I miss you and need you like I do now. 

You  want to know in what form the inspiration came? It was there in Michael Bolton’s song ‘How am I supposed to live without you’. When I heard it by coincidence today, I instantly thought of you and found myself wanting so bad to write this letter; if only to tell you that I have indeed missed you, and that I cannot do without you. When I sat and typed these words, I realized that I do not need a song to inspire me, because it is you who do that. You inspire me to hope, and dream of the real version of you, and when that happens; when I do that, I know that I can always welcome tomorrow with open arms and pray for better and brighter days to come, days that hold the promise of you, and your face; the face I do not really know by sight, but know very well by heart.

Don’t you agree with me that this is a blessing? That having this much intense feeling for something I believe in is a victory you and I should acknowledge? I know I do, and I know that I will always ask myself this same question: How am I supposed to live without you?

Until I unravel your mystery, my No Face, and get to finally thank God for the gift of you in my life, I shall always wonder, and ask you questions, and enjoy this rapport I share with you; a rapport that holds hope and love within, and fills my life with just as much love in return.

Until then, sweet No Face, I want you to know that I love you dearly, and miss you like I always do.

Love…

Dreamer