For a very long time, I have had that strong belief that the night time is not solely dedicated for sleeping, but also a time made for thinking, meditating and contemplating life and endless other thoughts! For that, I sometimes lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and the dark shadows that the moonlight streaming through the curtains casts on the white walls in my room!
At times, I find myself thinking about nothing at all; just delighted at the sheer thought of being able to drift afar with my mind and simply lose myself in that bliss of emptiness & nothingness. Last night, I traveled down a completely different road though, which was neither pleasant nor fruitful with soothing notions!
It started with me, once again giving in to an inescapable touch of insomnia, and feeling intimidated by the sound of the clock ticking up above my head, which never felt more loud or threatening! Usually, I don't pay attention to that sound, and sometimes I don't even hear it at all. yet, I found myself dedicating all my senses to that tick-tock sound last night, which I somehow felt vibrating through my very being! For me, it was not just one sound out of a thousand other sounds we hear everyday. NO, for me it was a painful reminder that time was passing by at the speed of light, not caring to stop if only for a split of a second to give the one of us a break!
I know how strange and even inconceivable this must sound, but it does occur to me sometimes; if only to remind me that everything around us is heading hectically towards change and that nothing ever stays the same! How unfathomable that whole idea felt last night; imprisoning me within the unseen boundaries of a scary little circle of persistent questions, all of which eager to suck up every breath left for me to take, leaving my comfy room totally airless!
I could have questioned my sort of sudden & eerie mood at such a late hour of the night, but I did not! For some unknown reason, I wanted to indulge myself in that inexplicable state of mind, I wanted to surrender, I wanted to lose myself to a delusive sensation I could not analyze or even explain in comprehensible language! For long painful moments, I saw the indecisive part of me, wandering through a dark maze without a way out, and with no trace of salvation looming in the horizon!
Frankly, it did not sound or feel as fearsome as I presumed it would! And only then it dawned on me that we sometimes find it convenient, in a puzzling way, to abandon ourselves to such mental haze; not willing to snap back into focus! As though negligence would, in a way, shield us from reason & reality!
I wanted time to stop dead then and there, so I would never have to work that stubborn brain of mine into providing answers to questions I did not know how to answer, or face my own demons as some would call them- those inner fears deep within- lurking somewhere close to me, anticipating the triumph they'd get out of leaping at me and eating me alive if I ever gave way to them to break my determination or shatter that mental strength I possess, which never ceases to make me proud of who I am!
Well, I wanted the night time to last for ever; with me lying on my bed taking in the lovable surroundings of my room and never having to come to terms with the concept of loss whenever an additional tasteless day adds up to a pile of vacant hours, bleak days; bringing me a step closer to some dead end; with nothing to add flavor or meaning to it!
It is always traumatizing to lead a life that presents itself to you in the form of a series of incomplete dreams and unfulfilled wishes, forcing you to spend your times anticipating a glimpse of hope amidst all that despair, filling you with a strong sense of wonder that you cannot help but resign yourself to; leaving the rein to it to engulf you within its tightly secure cocoon of indecision and confusion.
Yet, through all this chaos, the clock never ever stops ticking! And even as I sit here writing these words, the sound of the ticking remains the only audible truth in the middle of a soundless environment, and I remain here counting the ticks of the clock and whispering to myself: "Tick,, tock"!!
At times, I find myself thinking about nothing at all; just delighted at the sheer thought of being able to drift afar with my mind and simply lose myself in that bliss of emptiness & nothingness. Last night, I traveled down a completely different road though, which was neither pleasant nor fruitful with soothing notions!
It started with me, once again giving in to an inescapable touch of insomnia, and feeling intimidated by the sound of the clock ticking up above my head, which never felt more loud or threatening! Usually, I don't pay attention to that sound, and sometimes I don't even hear it at all. yet, I found myself dedicating all my senses to that tick-tock sound last night, which I somehow felt vibrating through my very being! For me, it was not just one sound out of a thousand other sounds we hear everyday. NO, for me it was a painful reminder that time was passing by at the speed of light, not caring to stop if only for a split of a second to give the one of us a break!
I know how strange and even inconceivable this must sound, but it does occur to me sometimes; if only to remind me that everything around us is heading hectically towards change and that nothing ever stays the same! How unfathomable that whole idea felt last night; imprisoning me within the unseen boundaries of a scary little circle of persistent questions, all of which eager to suck up every breath left for me to take, leaving my comfy room totally airless!
I could have questioned my sort of sudden & eerie mood at such a late hour of the night, but I did not! For some unknown reason, I wanted to indulge myself in that inexplicable state of mind, I wanted to surrender, I wanted to lose myself to a delusive sensation I could not analyze or even explain in comprehensible language! For long painful moments, I saw the indecisive part of me, wandering through a dark maze without a way out, and with no trace of salvation looming in the horizon!
Frankly, it did not sound or feel as fearsome as I presumed it would! And only then it dawned on me that we sometimes find it convenient, in a puzzling way, to abandon ourselves to such mental haze; not willing to snap back into focus! As though negligence would, in a way, shield us from reason & reality!
I wanted time to stop dead then and there, so I would never have to work that stubborn brain of mine into providing answers to questions I did not know how to answer, or face my own demons as some would call them- those inner fears deep within- lurking somewhere close to me, anticipating the triumph they'd get out of leaping at me and eating me alive if I ever gave way to them to break my determination or shatter that mental strength I possess, which never ceases to make me proud of who I am!
Well, I wanted the night time to last for ever; with me lying on my bed taking in the lovable surroundings of my room and never having to come to terms with the concept of loss whenever an additional tasteless day adds up to a pile of vacant hours, bleak days; bringing me a step closer to some dead end; with nothing to add flavor or meaning to it!
It is always traumatizing to lead a life that presents itself to you in the form of a series of incomplete dreams and unfulfilled wishes, forcing you to spend your times anticipating a glimpse of hope amidst all that despair, filling you with a strong sense of wonder that you cannot help but resign yourself to; leaving the rein to it to engulf you within its tightly secure cocoon of indecision and confusion.
Yet, through all this chaos, the clock never ever stops ticking! And even as I sit here writing these words, the sound of the ticking remains the only audible truth in the middle of a soundless environment, and I remain here counting the ticks of the clock and whispering to myself: "Tick,, tock"!!
5 comments:
yaaayyyyyyyyyyy... a new post!!
Let me read it :P
hmmm... first of all, shove this clock in your cabinet or something! I totally hate the tick tocks and that's why I've never had a clock in my room ;)
and now! hmmm...
OH MY GOD!!! WELL SAID! and this is absolutely true. EVery single word of your post literally hit me! I've been there and believe me, I know all the li'l invisible cracks in my ceiling. Be careful though, sometimes, it might hurt your head and lead you to a really freaky thoughts.
As always, Love the post my dear solidad. Keep them coming :D
Lol, yes I guess I should shove this clock in my closet;)))
As always, your presence here makes it a much more beautiful place, and it is a pleasure to know that my words have touched you:))
And yeah, I will try not to stare at this ceiling this much:P
I guess I'm blessed with my hearing problems that isolate me from all those sounds around me :P
I loved your post and I agree that sometimes before I sleep I drift away into either good dreams and thoughts or the total opposite so I try to sleep only when I feel tired to avoid negative thinking ;)
Well Columbo, I guess there is a reason for everything that happens to us in life, but your little hearing problem does not make you any different from us!! You are perfect and smart and I am so very proud to have a brother like you:)))
And yeah, I guess sleeping when you are extremely exhausted does it all;))
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