Last Friday, I was lying on my bed late at night, with my younger brother lying next to me. We both had our Blackberries glued to our hands; each searching for ways to be entertained and drive boredom away; either by reading and re-reading the endless broadcasts sent to us throughout the day, or playing games, or surfing the internet aimlessly! At that very moment, I was not that much interested in my BB, and neither was my brother. I could feel that we both were lost for words, or more to the point lost in our own ways! Normally, we would never run out of topics to talk about, or encounter moments of awkwardness as to what to say, because we have always been so close to each other that I have constantly felt as though we could read each other’s minds ever so easily, and delve into a world of mysteries only we could unravel.
I have this special bond with all of my three brothers, whom I have learned to be so close to, and have succeeded in establishing quite an easy and carefree and solid relationship with. I miss them when they are not there, and I love hanging out with them and having them support and protect me at all times. They are the light that guides me through the darkness and the safety harbor that can keep me afloat, and out of harms way! It is how I see them, and I know they would go to all lengths to see me happy , and smiling!
That Friday night, I knew something was not right; I could see it in my brother’s haunted looks and that aimlessness emanating from him! I felt it inside of me too, and I did not need to confront my own demons to know that both of us were miserable in our own terms; trying to understand why and how we have become to be this much in need for some extraordinary event to make a true change in our lives and put that genuine and heartfelt smile back on our faces! When I turned to look at him, I saw my question reflected in his eyes, yet I could not find the answer I was desperately seeking. I inwardly wanted to deny the fact that I was fragile and breakable more than ever, but I could not; knowing it would have been a lie I would soon admit to myself. At that moment, I felt inconsolable and confused; wanting to know how and why I have lost that old zeal for life, surrendering to some strange and smothering gloominess that has cast a dark shadow on me and my little beloved family. Sometimes it is that hard to speak out your fears and anxieties, especially to your beloved ones; dreading the hurt you could inflect upon them at seeing and feeling you hurt!
There is this inexplicable air of uncertainty and apprehensiveness and melancholy that has suddenly taken hold of us and imprisoned us in a grip of iron, which seems almost unbreakable at times! When I sometimes look at the faces of my older and younger brothers, I feel that painful tug at my heart; knowing that each one of them is struggling to make their realities a reflection of their dreams! When I look at us now, I can see how far away we are from where we used to stand yesterday; once upon a time, when even the laughter had a different ring to it!
We used to build sand castles and feel so triumphant merely at being able to protect it from a persistently and incessant wave, whose only wish was to destroy our so called indestructible little castles! But where are we from all that optimism now? Why cannot we pursue ‘the dream’ with a little more stamina and stubbornness? Why do we stumble and fall way more than we did when we were little children?
Whatever has become of me?
Whatever has become of them??
Whatever has become of us???