2010

As the year 2010 is getting closer by the minute, I find myself becoming more and more pensive, eerily speculative, yet hopeful in a way or another. The passing of time has never ceased to fill me with this sense of fearful and also hopeful anticipation; as though my heart and my senses are in constant expectation of an unknown occurrence whose coming to life will either turn me into a complete pessimist or the total opposite.

Time has this magical inexplicable substance that has the power to alter your life, disorganize it, mess with it at times, possibly change you and eventually fill you with endless, even contradictory notions to dwell on and analyze thoroughly; mostly in an attempt to understand the philosophy of life, regardless of how crazy and mind blowing it could get at times.

The clock is ticking, that I know, and with every ticking sound from your clocks and mine, we get closer to 2010. Soon enough 2009 will become a history, probably a collection of memories; pleasant and unpleasant alike! We are likely to drift backwards in time; in sweet remembrance maybe, or else in pure and utter nostalgia to moments we refuse to let go of.

It is only us who have the will and the ability to decide what to make of time, and what to become in time. We can always be hopeful, fearful, optimistic, pessimistic, productive, sluggish, melancholic, sentimental, emotional, apathetic, enthusiastic, bitter, strong-willed or anything  else we choose to be. It is us who truly make the change, and it is us who can paint the upcoming year “2010”; only a few days away, with whatever color we choose. We can paint it bright and glamorous and beautiful like a rainbow, or opt for dull, lifeless! Believe me, it is always us who can inflict CHANGE around us.  

Now that 2009 is bidding us farewell, I find myself looking back at all its events and occurrences, up to the tiniest little details. I cannot say it was a great year, in all honesty it was not my year at all! Nevertheless, it was eventful. I know that at the end of 2008, I had big expectations for 2009, I had plentiful of dreams and hopes and ambitions. Like everybody else, I so much wanted to believe that 2009 would be my year. However, I was in for disappointments and a portion of heartache.

I cannot say that 2009 turned out to be totally horrible and miserable, but it was not perfect. My only consolation was and still is my knowledge that nothing is perfect and nothing goes to our liking all the time. We should always brace ourselves for some disappointments and moments of unhappiness, which eventually make the moments of true happiness much tastier and definitely worth the wait. When such a moment arrives, trust me we will know how to value it and appreciate it they way we should.

Throughout 2009, I had my moments of peace, happiness and content and others of pain, hurt and despair. I did lose hope on so many occasions, yet I had moments of self-discovery and others of enlightenment. I learned a lot. I cried a lot, but I also laughed my head off so many other times I lost count. Now that it is coming to an end, I can clearly see that nothing that had happened during these 12 months occurred for no reason, for I am who I am now because of everything I have been through up until this very moment. 

Today, I want to take this chance to thank everybody who has and is still making me a happier person. To the people whose presence in my life has made all the difference. To those whose only existence makes me determined and hopeful enough to make it through today, and every day.

To my parents:

I am the luckiest person to have you by my side at all times. Dad, your warm fatherly embrace and the kiss you still plant on my cheek everyday is a priceless blessing. Mom, your beautiful smile and the sound of your laughter is music to my ears; you give life to life.

My amazing brothers,,

Ali: You are a wonderful brother. Guess what, I have a feeling that this year will –Inshalla- be your year. Well, it is about time you got married, eh? Come on I want to become an aunt!

Abdulla: You will make a lady very lucky one day. If I could find someone as amazing, gorgeous and perfect as you, believe me I would not have invented No Face!

Mohammed: YOU know I love you so much. You are unique, and please don’t take my constant teasing personally;P

Auntie Nano, Koki, Anoos, Nabooh, Adool and Layla,,
Every single moment I spend amongst you all makes me happier. Thank you for making our times together unique and joyful.

To all my friends,,
A huge thank you for always being there for me, even before I call out to you.

(Umm Ameer): Whoever says that angels don’t exist on earth should really come and see you!  I am  immeasurably loved and  forever blessed because I have you; my dear guardian angel with the golden heart. One more thing, a real prince is waiting for you somewhere out there; a real “Ameer”;D 

(Khadija): Thank you for seeing the best there was in me and being with me through thick and thin, from early childhood until this moment.  For this solid friendship I shall always be thankful. 

(Hadeel): You are a true blessing. It was such a lucky day the day I came across Shelfari, for it was what led me to you. Can you see how lucky I am? Thank you for being you, and may 2010 bring you lots of smiles and blessings.

(Afrah): Thank you for believing in me when I did not believe in me!

(Amal & Hana): The best thing that happened to me at work was meeting you two. Do you remember how much we used to laugh? Bless you!

(Khulood): Thank you for being such a great cousin and an amazing friend.

(Amool): Whenever I remember your smile and your contagious laughter, I know that life is indeed beautiful. Keep smiling!

(Mariam, Nada, Marioom, Meme, Faika, Khokha, Farah, Layoool, Maroom, Shosho, Nadoy, Fatoom, and all my other friends):
Thank you for your sunny presence in my life. I love you all.

(H): Although you might never know this, you have given my heart reason enough to dream! So thank you!

(No Face): It is about time you showed up!!

To all my cyber friends,,
A big thank you for your constant support and encouraging.


Happy New Year everybody and May Allah Bless You All and  grant you all your dreams and wishes. 

Serendipity

Can once in a lifetime happen twice?

Well, I believe this to be one hell of a thought provoking question, or more to the point a “Hope Provoking” question! It was written on the poster of the movie “Serendipity”, and it is the kind of phrase whose choice of words will undoubtedly have me end up including the movie in question, whether serendipity or any other movie, on my list of movies to watch.

I didn’t see this movie in the cinema; I came across it by sheer coincidence a long time ago and decided to watch it. It did not disappoint me the least. On the contrary, it made my day at the time and caused me to have that little flutter of the heart, which occurs whenever something touches me so deep; to the extent of taking my breath away, making me want to lose myself completely and unconditionally to a world of mesmerizing heart warming little  fantasies that never cease to overwhelm me totally.. completely.. and most definitely mind bogglingly! 

Last night, I was aimlessly going through the sometimes frustratingly boring channels of the Showtime Network, and I accidentally came across ‘Serendipity’, again! About 45 minutes of the movie running time had already passed, but that did not matter to me. A huge smile, one of utter happiness, played over my face at my twist of luck. But of course it was Christmas Eve and Serendipity was the perfect movie to play on such an occasion.

So, I watched the movie with a sense of joy, and my attitude throughout the rest of it was that of someone watching it for the very first time! My heart raced with anticipation and thrill. I found myself smiling stupidly; trying to contain myself from breaking into tears at the extent of romantic love being played before my eyes, only I stopped myself from doing so because my father was watching the movie with me! When the final scene arrived, that of Jonathan and Sarah meeting again at last, I could feel the lump in my throat, and I did surreptitiously dab the tears from the corner of one eye. I am a pure sentimental, that much I admit!

When I later went to bed, I found myself wondering if 'ONCE’ in a lifetime can truly happen ‘TWICE’!! The answer was not there for me though, it never was!

He likes me,, he likes me not?!

How many of you have picked out a flower once, and decided to test if the person you had a crush on felt the same way about you by taking out the flower's petals; one by one, chanting to yourself all the while: He/She likes me, He/She likes me not?!

Honestly, I did that a long time ago; back when I was a little girl with a ponytail, but it was not for a boy I had a crush on! I mostly did it to figure out whether or not I would score the highest grade at an exam or a quiz or anything of the sort! Funny as it may sound now, I did believe that by doing so I could really know my fate in advance! And of course, the same flower act would, back then, apply to all kinds of uncertainties and stuff I had doubts about! Yet, I don't remember ever doing it for a guy I longed to know if he shared a feeling I had for him!

Well, now that the idea has popped into my mind, taunting me to do it just for the sake of fun, I cannot help but think about what it would feel like for me to do it wholeheartedly and for real; thinking all the while about a face I cannot seem to be able to forget, or close my eyes in a stupid attempt to make it go! I cannot help but imagine how I would feel if I were this girl in the picture; praying for God that the man she likes would feel the same way about her! Does it feel sweet, painful, heaven or hell? I do not know, but I do want to know!

Sitting in the solitude and quiet of my room, tapping on the keyboard writing this, I find myself wondering if that someone would ever read this, and if he does read it, would he close his eyes and try to see my face behind his closed eyelids? Would he think of me throughout his day and before surrendering to sleep at night? Would he go back to the very first line just to read the piece once again; only without knowing why he did it?! Would he have that funny yet beautiful smile of recognition on his face every time he remembers bits and pieces of the things I said??

So many questions here and so many what ifs! Only I do not know the answers to them, and he probably does!

Burn brightly.. Never burn out!

While driving to work this morning, I have had that strange sense of emptiness and disorientation, which kept my mind busy going all directions! I asked myself one question then: "What is it you are not happy about?", and though it took me some time to figure out what it was, I knew it was there at the back of my mind; waiting for me to acknowledge it to myself and admit to the truth in it!

Anyway, when I arrived at work, I sat thoughtful at my desk; trying to sort out the mess both inside my head and that on the desk infront of me! There were heaps of papers and I truthfully felt at a loss as to from where to start clearing it out. Just for the record, I am normally not the kind of person who settles for such a chaos, but the past days I was unbelievably busy that I had to pretend I didn't see all the scattered items and papers lying just before my eyes. But now that I have finally had the chance to put everything back in its place, I certainly did just that! However, amongst the stacks of papers, I found a small yellow piece of paper on which I wrote, just a few weeks back, exactly four sentences. Well, the sentences were actually more of a "note to onself"; they are simply pieces of wisdom, which I have personally picked out and decided to keep to myself so they would always stand out as a reminder of the meaning they hold within. They are the following:

1. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
2. Burn brightly without burning out.
3. Sometimes in the wind of change, we find out true direction.
4. Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.

Well, the story-all of it- lies in the second one; which as you can see I have highlighted in a different colour. Reading it was all I needed to see the truth ahead of me and put my finger on the 'thing' that was disturbing me and giving me such a hard time! I was simply burning out; trying to light the way for the people I care about most! To read this one sentence once again, I relaized I have always been a candle burning brightly to others, but at the same time burning out!! Now that I have fully acknowledged it, I can tell you for sure that it hurts, it really does!

Now, some people may ask me what it is with me that always makes me talk "Emotion", and my answer to them is: it is because emotion is eventually what brings people together, it is the only thing left for every single one of us when nothing else matters; when everything else fades away and loses its value! After all, what are we but human beings? What are we but a pounding heart that can stop beating at any moment?! Sadly though, so many people just don't see that and they do grasp the full meaning of it, but only when it is too late to do so!

I know that some of you while reading this will wonder why I have written this, why now, and what made me feel this way! Well, I guess it is because writing is my way of releasing such sentiments! And what is a writer if not a sentimental? And one last thing to say, maybe by writing this, my message will reach those whom I hope will read it and realize that burning brightly is Never the same as burning out!

I Remember...

I still remember how it felt like to be a child; a young soul free of all sorts of restraints and worries! Those times were the best of my life, the best I could recall now that I am older, and the best to truly paint these words here with the most vibrant and beautiful colors ever!

Reminiscence of those buoyant days usually comes to me unbeckoned. I never put my mind into doing this, into remembering; memories just play themselves in my head ever so sweetly, ever so discreetly, over and over again; leaving me unguarded and unprotected against their charm and that magical spell they cast upon me every time they decide to barge into my mind and heart!

Now that I am 26, I can still remember how it felt like to be that girl of 10 or 12 years of age! I can literally close my eyes and go back in time to the days when I would sleep over at my auntie's house during the summer holidays and have the best time of my life, as it did feel so back then! For me, those days had been something I would not have traded for anything in the world! I mean, getting the chance to spend days and days with my cousins, all 6 of them, when I had no sisters myself and instead 3 brothers; that was something by the way!

I remember how my mom & dad would let me sleep over for a night or two, and when the time came for me to go back home I would always end up crying and begging them for another day or two! My stay, however, would most of the time stretch into a week or even 10 days! I mean, my bursting into tears did always find its way into mom's and dad's hearts;P

You might wonder what made me crave being with my cousins so badly, so desperately; I would simply say it was the spontaneity which marked every single act of fun we did come up with at the time. It is amazing how we managed to occupy our time with so many different activities, which left us almost with no time at all to feel bored or fed up! Sometimes we would do nothing, nothing at all, and yet we still felt content and happy to enjoy the moment of togetherness.

One of the things I remember that we enjoyed doing very much was turning on the radio on Emirates FM, usually in the afternoon at around 4, and listen to it till prayer time! It is funny now that I remember it, but honestly that gave us so much fun then. Well, we would sit in one of my cousins' room and look at the endless stream of cars moving at all directions on the main road, which is a few meters away from my auntie's house. The house by the way overlooks a spacious open yard, after which comes the main highway, and in the middle there used to be a big palm tree, which is no longer there! That was the view we would stare at for hours, all the while listening to songs and drifting away to a place where we could be all alone with our dreams & fantasies. One of my cousins, who is now married and has 3 children, would just sit on the bed and lose herself to her own personal thoughts which we could not fathom at the time; given the fact that she was not that much talkative.

Another thing we did do everyday, amongst so many other activities, was going to the nearby cold store and buying loads of snacks to eat while watching TV! This is still something I enjoy doing occasionally;)

The night time, however, was another story all together! We would never go to bed early of course! What we did instead was gather; Nada, Amal and myself in Amal's room, lie each on her well prepared sleeping space and talk about anything and everything! Hours would pass by without any of us realizing how close we came to staying up till 3 or 4 am, sometimes even till the sun rises! Apparently we never came close to being short of conversations, for there was always something to chat about no matter how trivial or nonsensical it seemed or felt. You know how girls are; they always seem to find something to talk about.

So, because of staying up late, we would end up waking up a little after noon time! To be exact, at lunch time most of the time! Then, the day would repeat itself, time would pass like crazy and eventually I would go back home, dwell on the memories and adapt to the dreariness of having no sisters! To the loneliness that is!

Now, whenever I feel like smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, I close my eyes before surrendering to sleep and I just give in to the beauty of those memories of my childhood. When I do that, I swear I can see it all in my mind's eye! I can hear us talking, laughing, screaming, silent even! I can feel the breeze coming from the open window in my cousin's room playing with my hair and caressing my cheeks while I sat listening to those songs on the radio. I can see it all, smell it all and feel it all!

I remember the joy.. The innocence.. The Childishness.. The craziness.. The quiet & the hilarious moments.. I remember us being so happy.. So alive.. I remember it all..

A Fan of Kitchens, Part B: Do Dreams Come True?!!

19 January 2009
6:45 am


Dearest No Face,

Do you remember my letter to you about me being a big fan of kitchens? I know it goes back to March last year, but for the people who have had the pleasure of reading it at the time of its publication in my blog, it goes back to yesterday! So most of them did not know about my emotional attachment to kitchens and my fancy dream kitchen until yesterday.

Anyways, when I did post that letter my eldest brother read it along with everybody else who learned that another letter was out. Guess what, he gave me that nice sympathetic smile and asked me if I was seriously hoping to witness such lovely dream get crushed by the cruel big hands of our painful reality! Of course I asked him why he thought so, and he replied that for one thing a beautiful heavenly scenery did not go well with an environment closer to a desert than an oasis! I then looked at him and said: " Da!! I will create my own heavenly scenery in my own house and make it a hundred times more beautiful than that dry & depressing surrounding!!" Though I secretly wished I could be anywhere but here; in a place where I'd be surrounded by the color green, a view of the lake and snow in winter!!

Never mind that! After a moment of silence he asked me once again if I truly was that much hopeful about my so called 'No face' one day turning out to be the perfect and absolute 'knight in shining armour', who would miraculously happen to be made to my liking and who, again, would happen to fit the image I have about him to the last teeny-weeny detail! And who would of course grant me my every wish, including that fancy kitchen to be!

I guess at that moment my expression said it all without the need to utter it out loud! Well, I with all due respect to realists in this world-including my big brother- do truthfully hope so!

Gosh! What is wrong with dreaming? What's wrong with wanting the best and praying all the while for the fairy tale to become true?! I mean after all it is just a kitchen; in truth a spacious kitchen in a cozy beautiful house with a paradise-like view of a heaven-like garden! It is that simple;)
And yeah one more thing, it should be shared with my no face, who by a twist of luck and a touch of pure magic may- Notice me saying MAY- turn out to be the dream guy with that love story made in heaven! Here goes, I said it all in one long breath!

Well.. Well.. Well! Dreams don't always come true and cows don't fly and it is not raining men; let alone perfect men the 'McDreamy' sort! 'McDreamy'..? Grey's Anatomy? Oh yeah there you go;)) I am a Huge fan by the way!

Okay okay so I dream big!! Let me be!! I might break my heart or my neck or whatever in the course of this dreaming big thing, but that's me; the lady who cannot stop dreaming! The lady who still believes in happy endings, bed time stories, Cinderella and prince charming and I don't know what else that comes in the package!

BUT, it never kills you to dream, it kills you not to!! So, how close to my dream could you be Mr. NO FACE??

Well, regardless of the pessimism surrounding me, threatening to swallow me, I still love you! And I love my big brother; though a complete realist who always reminds me that the stuff of dreams will eventually bring my downfall!

Love,
Zainab

A Fan of Kitchens!!

2/3/2008
8:00 PM

Dearest No face,

Have I ever told you that I am a big fan of kitchens?! Guess not;P
But now you know..!

Well, I do have a thing for kitchens! I go weak in the knees whenever I come across a picture of a kitchen design in a magazine- I am exaggerating here a little you know-;) It's funny I know, but I cannot help it! Whenever that happens, you'd find me intently staring at the picture and completely lost in thought!

For a start, I'd picture myself the proud owner of that kitchen, or even a better one, and having it all to myself as my special haven, where I'd have the freedom to come up with all kinds of delicious dishes! I'm a good cook by the way, not bragging here;D

My kitchen, the one I dream of having in my future cozy little married nest would be spacious; what happened to the "little cozy nest"! Never mind that, it would be as I said spacious and bright and colorful! I'd love to have it designed very professionally and the most important thing is that it be open on the living room; in a European like style! The other thing is to have it contain elegant low windows overlooking a beautiful garden! The dining table should be placed where that breath-taking view could be completely visible and available for the eyes to enjoy! A dark dreary kitchen is out of the question!!

Here comes the climax of my dream, I'd step into that fancy kitchen of mine, my paradise, and I'd cook.. and cook... and cook! Well, you'd eat it all no doubt! Without me forcing you to do so, though;))

It's good and refreshing to have such a dream; it fills my soul with an intense sense of a joyous anticipation like that of a kid expecting the gift of his dreams on his birthday! It might be silly and insignificant to some, but to me it is a part of a much bigger dream! What I see here is the big picture, and that is enough I guess! Don't they always urge us to aim for the larger picture! This is what I am doing baby!

Now please pleeeeeeeease wherever you are and whoever you turn out to be, grant me this dream kitchen, promise my dear dear no face!

I shall leave you with this splendid image-dream- to entertain you the rest of the day;P

I love you

Zainab

Fallen masks..!!

Sometimes you come across people, who at the first instant, give you the impression that nothing can ever get to them or shake their balance and that solid and controlled composure they seem to possess, no matter what!

You are almost convinced that they are totally unfeeling and immune to any kind of blow life may direct at them at any moment! Those people, to your further conviction, excel in proving you right by maintaining that callous nature and standing their ground firmly and intently!

Doubt, however, seeps into your soul sometimes and arouses in you that sense of wonder about the true inner self of those people! And you begin to ask yourself: are they truly who they pretend to be? Are they genuinely as thick-skinned as they repeatedly show you in various occasions? The answer to such questions usually end up affirmative!

I have recently come across such people and I have always had that one question about them: are they never scared? Doesn't that infuriating feeling of utter strength and superiority ever waver if only for a slight moment?! I do honestly find it hard to believe that totally fearless person exists in the first place! I mean, who hasn't had his moments of fear, indecision, lack of security, doubt and anxiety?! Which one of us is never fearful at times? The answer to this is no doubt "NO ONE"!!

we are all bound to grow weak and fragile at times! We are all likely to go through moments of utter helplessness and even break down in tears if the situation calls for such a freak act!!

At the end of the day, we are only but human beings; flesh and bones! With that unique blend of strengths and weaknesses. We cannot belie that, and we surely cannot prove it wrong no matter how hard we try!

It is never a shame to admit to weakness and fragility if that is the truth. It is not wrong to ask for help or turn to other people for support, providing they can do that for you.

Today, I am writing this to pass the message to anybody who, for some reason, is afraid to show that like everybody else he gets scared and insecure sometimes. To those who hurt themselves trying to appear powerful all the time even if it means intimidating others in the process, this is an absolute mistake!!

However, to my amazement, the truth behind all those fake pretenses is finally revealed! The masks, behind which fearful souls hide, have all fallen; leaving the true identities totally naked to the eye of us witnesses to that show! Well, I guess truth is always bound to spring to the surface at the end of that creepy tunnel of lies.

So, from me to those 'Pretentious' souls, do not be ashamed of being discovered for I am not crowing about having the shrewdness to see through all those layers of phoniness. This is definitely not schadenfreude I am openly displaying! I am merely trying to tell you that pretending to be who you are not is never the key to any kind of victory! It does not take you anywhere! Your only salvation is to simply be who you are and let people choose to accept you with your flaws; we all have flaws!

Believe me, only then will peace engulf your soul and we shall all see a genuine smile lighting your face at the time!