February 16, 2009

I Remember...


I still remember how it felt like to be a child; a young soul free of all sorts of restraints and worries! Those times were the best of my life, the best I could recall now that I am older, and the best to truly paint these words here with the most vibrant and beautiful colors ever!

Reminiscence of those buoyant days usually comes to me unbeckoned. I never put my mind into doing this, into remembering; memories just play themselves in my head ever so sweetly, ever so discreetly, over and over again; leaving me unguarded and unprotected against their charm and that magical spell they cast upon me every time they decide to barge into my mind and heart!

Now that I am 26, I can still remember how it felt like to be that girl of 10 or 12 years of age! I can literally close my eyes and go back in time to the days when I would sleep over at my auntie's house during the summer holidays and have the best time of my life, as it did feel so back then! For me, those days had been something I would not have traded for anything in the world! I mean, getting the chance to spend days and days with my cousins, all 6 of them, when I had no sisters myself and instead 3 brothers; that was something by the way!

I remember how my mom & dad would let me sleep over for a night or two, and when the time came for me to go back home I would always end up crying and begging them for another day or two! My stay, however, would most of the time stretch into a week or even 10 days! I mean, my bursting into tears did always find its way into mom's and dad's hearts;P

You might wonder what made me crave being with my cousins so badly, so desperately; I would simply say it was the spontaneity which marked every single act of fun we did come up with at the time. It is amazing how we managed to occupy our time with so many different activities, which left us almost with no time at all to feel bored or fed up! Sometimes we would do nothing, nothing at all, and yet we still felt content and happy to enjoy the moment of togetherness.

One of the things I remember that we enjoyed doing very much was turning on the radio on Emirates FM, usually in the afternoon at around 4, and listen to it till prayer time! It is funny now that I remember it, but honestly that gave us so much fun then. Well, we would sit in one of my cousins' room and look at the endless stream of cars moving at all directions on the main road, which is a few meters away from my auntie's house. The house by the way overlooks a spacious open yard, after which comes the main highway, and in the middle there used to be a big palm tree, which is no longer there! That was the view we would stare at for hours, all the while listening to songs and drifting away to a place where we could be all alone with our dreams & fantasies. One of my cousins, who is now married and has 3 children, would just sit on the bed and lose herself to her own personal thoughts which we could not fathom at the time; given the fact that she was not that much talkative.

Another thing we did do everyday, amongst so many other activities, was going to the nearby cold store and buying loads of snacks to eat while watching TV! This is still something I enjoy doing occasionally;)


The night time, however, was another story all together! We would never go to bed early of course! What we did instead was gather; Nada, Amal and myself in Amal's room, lie each on her well prepared sleeping space and talk about anything and everything! Hours would pass by without any of us realizing how close we came to staying up till 3 or 4 am, sometimes even till the sun rises! Apparently we never came close to being short of conversations, for there was always something to chat about no matter how trivial or nonsensical it seemed or felt. You know how girls are; they always seem to find something to talk about.

So, because of staying up late, we would end up waking up a little after noon time! To be exact, at lunch time most of the time! Then, the day would repeat itself, time would pass like crazy and eventually I would go back home, dwell on the memories and adapt to the dreariness of having no sisters! To the loneliness that is!

Now, whenever I feel like smiling or laughing wholeheartedly, I close my eyes before surrendering to sleep and I just give in to the beauty of those memories of my childhood. When I do that, I swear I can see it all in my mind's eye! I can hear us talking, laughing, screaming, silent even! I can feel the breeze coming from the open window in my cousin's room playing with my hair and caressing my cheeks while I sat listening to those songs on the radio. I can see it all, smell it all and feel it all!

I remember the joy.. The innocence.. The Childishness.. The craziness.. The quiet & the hilarious moments.. I remember us being so happy.. So alive.. I remember it all..




January 19, 2009

A Fan of Kitchens, Part B: Do Dreams Come True?!!



19 January 2009
6:45 am


Dearest No Face,

Do you remember my letter to you about me being a big fan of kitchens? I know it goes back to March last year, but for the people who have had the pleasure of reading it at the time of its publication in my blog, it goes back to yesterday! So most of them did not know about my emotional attachment to kitchens and my fancy dream kitchen until yesterday.

Anyways, when I did post that letter my eldest brother read it along with everybody else who learned that another letter was out. Guess what, he gave me that nice sympathetic smile and asked me if I was seriously hoping to witness such lovely dream get crushed by the cruel big hands of our painful reality! Of course I asked him why he thought so, and he replied that for one thing a beautiful heavenly scenery did not go well with an environment closer to a desert than an oasis! I then looked at him and said: " Da!! I will create my own heavenly scenery in my own house and make it a hundred times more beautiful than that dry & depressing surrounding!!" Though I secretly wished I could be anywhere but here; in a place where I'd be surrounded by the color green, a view of the lake and snow in winter!!

Never mind that! After a moment of silence he asked me once again if I truly was that much hopeful about my so called 'No face' one day turning out to be the perfect and absolute 'knight in shining armour', who would miraculously happen to be made to my liking and who, again, would happen to fit the image I have about him to the last teeny-weeny detail! And who would of course grant me my every wish, including that fancy kitchen to be!

I guess at that moment my expression said it all without the need to utter it out loud! Well, I with all due respect to realists in this world-including my big brother- do truthfully hope so!

Gosh! What is wrong with dreaming? What's wrong with wanting the best and praying all the while for the fairy tale to become true?! I mean after all it is just a kitchen; in truth a spacious kitchen in a cozy beautiful house with a paradise-like view of a heaven-like garden! It is that simple;)
And yeah one more thing, it should be shared with my no face, who by a twist of luck and a touch of pure magic may- Notice me saying MAY- turn out to be the dream guy with that love story made in heaven! Here goes, I said it all in one long breath!

Well.. Well.. Well! Dreams don't always come true and cows don't fly and it is not raining men; let alone perfect men the 'McDreamy' sort! 'McDreamy'..? Grey's Anatomy? Oh yeah there you go;)) I am a Huge fan by the way!

Okay okay so I dream big!! Let me be!! I might break my heart or my neck or whatever in the course of this dreaming big thing, but that's me; the lady who cannot stop dreaming! The lady who still believes in happy endings, bed time stories, Cinderella and prince charming and I don't know what else that comes in the package!

BUT, it never kills you to dream, it kills you not to!! So, how close to my dream could you be Mr. NO FACE??

Well, regardless of the pessimism surrounding me, threatening to swallow me, I still love you! And I love my big brother; though a complete realist who always reminds me that the stuff of dreams will eventually bring my downfall!

Love,
Zainab




January 18, 2009

A Fan of Kitchens!!



2/3/2008
8:00 PM

Dearest No face,

Have I ever told you that I am a big fan of kitchens?! Guess not;P
But now you know..!

Well, I do have a thing for kitchens! I go weak in the knees whenever I come across a picture of a kitchen design in a magazine- I am exaggerating here a little you know-;) It's funny I know, but I cannot help it! Whenever that happens, you'd find me intently staring at the picture and completely lost in thought!

For a start, I'd picture myself the proud owner of that kitchen, or even a better one, and having it all to myself as my special haven, where I'd have the freedom to come up with all kinds of delicious dishes! I'm a good cook by the way, not bragging here;D

My kitchen, the one I dream of having in my future cozy little married nest would be spacious; what happened to the "little cozy nest"! Never mind that, it would be as I said spacious and bright and colorful! I'd love to have it designed very professionally and the most important thing is that it be open on the living room; in a European like style! The other thing is to have it contain elegant low windows overlooking a beautiful garden! The dining table should be placed where that breath-taking view could be completely visible and available for the eyes to enjoy! A dark dreary kitchen is out of the question!!

Here comes the climax of my dream, I'd step into that fancy kitchen of mine, my paradise, and I'd cook.. and cook... and cook! Well, you'd eat it all no doubt! Without me forcing you to do so, though;))

It's good and refreshing to have such a dream; it fills my soul with an intense sense of a joyous anticipation like that of a kid expecting the gift of his dreams on his birthday! It might be silly and insignificant to some, but to me it is a part of a much bigger dream! What I see here is the big picture, and that is enough I guess! Don't they always urge us to aim for the larger picture! This is what I am doing baby!

Now please pleeeeeeeease wherever you are and whoever you turn out to be, grant me this dream kitchen, promise my dear dear no face!

I shall leave you with this splendid image-dream- to entertain you the rest of the day;P


I love you

Zainab


January 12, 2009

Fallen masks..!!


Sometimes you come across people, who at the first instant, give you the impression that nothing can ever get to them or shake their balance and that solid and controlled composure they seem to possess, no matter what!

You are almost convinced that they are totally unfeeling and immune to any kind of blow life may direct at them at any moment! Those people, to your further conviction, excel in proving you right by maintaining that callous nature and standing their ground firmly and intently!

Doubt, however, seeps into your soul sometimes and arouses in you that sense of wonder about the true inner self of those people! And you begin to ask yourself: are they truly who they pretend to be? Are they genuinely as thick-skinned as they repeatedly show you in various occasions? The answer to such questions usually end up affirmative!

I have recently come across such people and I have always had that one question about them: are they never scared? Doesn't that infuriating feeling of utter strength and superiority ever waver if only for a slight moment?! I do honestly find it hard to believe that totally fearless person exists in the first place! I mean, who hasn't had his moments of fear, indecision, lack of security, doubt and anxiety?! Which one of us is never fearful at times? The answer to this is no doubt "NO ONE"!!

we are all bound to grow weak and fragile at times! We are all likely to go through moments of utter helplessness and even break down in tears if the situation calls for such a freak act!!

At the end of the day, we are only but human beings; flesh and bones! With that unique blend of strengths and weaknesses. We cannot belie that, and we surely cannot prove it wrong no matter how hard we try!

It is never a shame to admit to weakness and fragility if that is the truth. It is not wrong to ask for help or turn to other people for support, providing they can do that for you.

Today, I am writing this to pass the message to anybody who, for some reason, is afraid to show that like everybody else he gets scared and insecure sometimes. To those who hurt themselves trying to appear powerful all the time even if it means intimidating others in the process, this is an absolute mistake!!

However, to my amazement, the truth behind all those fake pretenses is finally revealed! The masks, behind which fearful souls hide, have all fallen; leaving the true identities totally naked to the eye of us witnesses to that show! Well, I guess truth is always bound to spring to the surface at the end of that creepy tunnel of lies.

So, from me to those 'Pretentious' souls, do not be ashamed of being discovered for I am not crowing about having the shrewdness to see through all those layers of phoniness. This is definitely not schadenfreude I am openly displaying! I am merely trying to tell you that pretending to be who you are not is never the key to any kind of victory! It does not take you anywhere! Your only salvation is to simply be who you are and let people choose to accept you with your flaws; we all have flaws!

Believe me, only then will peace engulf your soul and we shall all see a genuine smile lighting your face at the time!



December 27, 2008

His 'Hazel' Eyes...



His "Hazel" eyes,,

they dance,,
they smile,,
they penetrate my soul..

I look at him,,
then I am lost!
He stares at me,,
and again I feel complete,,
I feel whole!

Oh, how I long to caress his cheek,,
to feel that soft stubble tingle my palm,,

hear my heart just this once
and answer its tempting call!

Who are you beautiful stranger in my dream?
An angel??
Or a sweet curse haunting my sleep??

Have I seen you??
Have I known you before??

His "Hazel" eyes..
they dance,,
they smile,,
they capture my very soul!!





December 03, 2008

هوى الشرقي




فاصلةٌ بين غيابها والعَوْدْ
وبين صمتها والصوت
حين تعود فاصلةٌ أخرى
وثرثرةٌ منسيةٌ
وطيفُ تنهيدةٍ
هي للسكوتِ أقرب
حتى لتخالَ جلَّ
حديثها ابتسامةٌ يصدفُ
أن تداعبَ الشفتين
-عنوةً-
لا أكثر
***
وأراها غداةَ عَوْدها تُسرع الخُطى
وتكثرُ من إيقاع الاقتراب
-تفصلها عن عاشقها مسافةُ ضحكةٍ عابثةٍ-
ليس إلاّ
ودلالٌ تصنّعته يزيّن خطوتها
كلّما تمايلت بقدّها
ذات اليمين
وذات الشمال
لتستفزَّ بجرأة الدُنُو
وهمسها الغوي
وبعض دندنةٍ جامحةٍ
وقارَ الأشيبْ في العشق ها هناك
ليمسي بفتنة حُسنها كمَنْ
داهمه الجنون على حين غرّة
أو أكثر
***
وبين بسمةٍ من ثغرٍ خمري
وهدبٍ مكتحلٍ حسبُ
الليلِ في حضوره كثيرُ حسرةٍ
تراها في الإطلالة حسناءَ
هيفاءَ
فاتنة
أول حديثها سمرٌ مباحٌ
وآخره تنهيدةٌ
فأغنية
***
وعجبي إذ تصيبُهُ
بالصوت الرخيم جهالةٌُ
ليغدو من فرط انبهارٍ كما الطفل حيناً
وحيناً كالذي ألمّ به لذيذُ وجعٍٍ
فما أطاق من بعده صبراً
ولا عثر له ابتداءً على سببٍ
***
وإذْ تشاكسه بناعم بوحها
ورايتُها في الغَزَل جفنان ناعسان
وأنوثةٌ في الصميم من القتل
يجيئها أكثرَ من الأمس عاشقاً
وأكثرَ من الغد مضطرباً
ليردّد لخيالها بعد الرحيل
-والخَدَرْ له صاحبٌ وخليل-
أيا بهجةَ قلبي
يا ليلي الطويل
يا قمري
أما لنا في فجر
الغد من لقاءٍ قريب؟؟
أو صدفةٍ مقصودة؟؟
أو رسالة شوقٍ عبر البريد؟
***
ولا يبقى في ذاكرة الحكايا
وذاكرته في ثلث الليل الأخير سواها
وفنجان قهوةٍ منسي
وبقايا عطرٍ فرنسيٍ مثير
***
فويلٌ له ذلك الشرقي
وفؤاده بهوى حوريةٍ
سمراء قد اكتوى
وبئس الغرامِ غرامُ
غوانٍ فاتناتٍ
تاريخهن في العشق
فساتينٌ زاهية
ووجوهٌ وألسنةٌُ
بالزيف ملوّنة
وبقايا قلوب كانت
قبل اليوم بيضاء
عذراء
ومن العبث واللهو خالية

December 01, 2008

A smiley face for the pleasant faces..



Some faces in life fill you with joy..
Hope..
And optimism..

At seeing those faces, you cannot help but smile even if you are not on close terms with them!!


You bump into them unexpectedly,,
They say hello,,
You say hello,,
You both go your own ways,,
and then you realize that you are smiling broadly without even knowing why!!


After coming across those 'pleasant faces',,
Your day brightens up,,
And you become very cheerful and happy,,
Again, without knowing why!!


It is amazing,,
It is spontaneous,,
It is human nature,,
It is chemistry!!


So..
To all those faces,,
To their beautiful hearts,,
Thank you..
For the 'SMILE' you put on my face thank you!!
For making my day just when I need that,,
Thank you...



November 25, 2008

No Face.. Happy Birthday!




Well, it is "No Face"..
Again..

After a long absence and plenty of waiting from so many people!!
Here goes, another letter, the second actually..

However, just a small note, the letters I will publish here will be of my choice,,
that is: I might skip some and choose particular ones, but all of them would start from the oldest to the newest-most recent- in terms of time (dates)!

Today's letter is dated 12, April, 2008
And just so you know, it is right the second one I wrote after that first one;)

Enjoy!!


12, April, 2008
00:00

Dear No face,,

It's my birthday today!! I've turned 26, and it feels so unlikely overwhelming!!
I cannot say why it does, but to me it feels different from my previous birthdays!!

At the moment, I'm lying on my bed writing this letter to you and wondering how this birthday would turn out if you were a real person, with a face! How you would react to it or what you could come up with to celebrate my day and turn it into a very special occasion!

If you were real, you'd definitely be a romantic person, a very romantic person so to speak! Don't ask me why I'm even assuming this, it is just a gut feeling I have about you my sweet;P

Well, birthdays are supposed to be happy and exuberant occasions, but as you grow up they start to take a totally different turn. I'm not saying that because I'm obsessed with age or getting older; not at all! I'm not the least reluctant to declare to you that I have turned 26! Actually, I'm happy to announce that; 26 for me is the peak of femininity and maturity.

For me, every additional year is an enhancement to my wisdom and my sense of knowledge and awareness of my surroundings and people and all. Yet, those distant birthdays of my childhood years were different; they tasted different!

Back then, birthdays merely implied a big party, friends and family gathering and lots of presents. I guess back then we were completely oblivious to the underlying spiritual and psychological concept of 'Birthdays'. Nothing truly mattered to us except having fun and opening the gifts zealously at once!

Of course there's nothing wrong with that, it's normal, accepted and expected! It is just that today I feel different, the 'birthday' thing feels different. Besides my spontaneous thrill at my birthday, there's the feeling of anxiety and wonder. I cannot deny that I look and feel pensive today, but it's beyond me really. I know you must be feeling puzzled by my reaction, you might even be asking yourself questions now, right?

The thing is, as you enter your twenties it's like you begin to wake up from your stance and shake off that cocoon of past ignorance and nonchalance! You unconsciously start to want more of life and you become more demanding when it comes to your expectations regarding the future! At a certain point in time, you sort of become restless, kinda undecided and needy! The future all of a sudden turns into something scary; in the sense that it troubles you to try and digest the thought of not knowing who you'd become in this vast universe! I'm talking big here, aren't I??

I don't know whether you understand what I'm talking about or not, but I'm full of questions today, full of fears and expectations! Today, I have moved a step closer to my unknown destiny, towards tomorrow, which I cannot but pursue with huge and endless dreams and ambitions tucked safely deep within!

Now that I'm literally a day older than yesterday, I'm planning to simply dream big! Isn't that what wise people in life advice us to do; to dream big? Well, I'll do even better than that; I'll dream bigger!!

So, for now: Happy Birthday to me;)


Love,
Zainab

November 18, 2008

Lost...



I close a door,,

driving away a tentative stray of light!

I ponder a thought,,

or two..

A tear falls down my cheek,,

ever so slow!!


The night is long,,

the room is cold!!

"He" is dead,,

you know..

Or so I've been told!!


I close "The door",,

a shiver comes by!!

In awe I wait..

For a breath,,

a smile,,

or a sigh of pure delight!!


No one comes..

No one hears..

Only I remain,,

Only I,,

and some thick white frost!!


It is the fog!!

It is my face,,

And all is lost!!

November 05, 2008

No Face: The first letter..



Remember NO Face?
My imaginary knight on paper?

Today, as promised, you will read my first letter to 'HIM'..
The very first letter..

Which I wrote in April, 1, 2008
Every now and then I will post one of those letters..

 
SO..
With my knight,,

With my love,,

I leave you...




1 April 2008

12:30 am

Dearest No face,

Here I am writing my first letter to you, and it feels damn awkward to do so! I have to admit that I am in a loss for the proper words to use here, but I am not supposed to feel so because our little game here makes it imperatively necessary that you understand me! You are supposed to be ‘THE ONE’, which explains it all! It is true that neither of us knows the other in reality, but let us forget about reality and go for the sweet fantasy. Let’s pretend that we know each other very well; more like soul mates, in which case understanding each
other will be a natural thing for both of us.

I know if you were real, things might turn out differently! But let me ask you this: do not people write diaries as though they were addressing a human, not some inanimate object that cannot do them any good except comfort them of course! Still, this remains a very healthy method of release! Therefore, I thought I would create my own from of diaries, with you as my refuge and my sanctuary!

So, how do we start? I believe people usually start their letters to each other by a greeting! Therefore, here is a big hello to you my sweet; it is great knowing you are here by my side, if only in a sheer fantasy! The funny thing is I feel like I do know you, and by that I mean truly know you! You know, sometimes when I close my eyes at night, I see you in my mind’s eye, and believe me though without a tangible identity do I see you, it gives me pleasure & peace just to live the feeling of having the idea of you in my little world, in my dreams, and my day to day activities!

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you! I always see you standing tall, smiling for me and guarding my every step! I know it sounds crazy, but it does happen and I never want to wake up! Now hear this out, never did you have a face in any of those dreams; it is always a bright spot of light covering your facial features making it impossible for me to complete the image I have for you in my mind! Thus, I have named you “No face”! And don’t worry, not knowing how you’d look like won’t stop me from writing to you, because my heart will lead me to the true you one day, that much I know and that much I believe! You should believe in that too my love, in your heart of hearts you just have to know me, you have to find me! And when you do, I would expect you to read this letter to me aloud;)

I am filling you with surprise, aren’t I?! Well don’t be! Even if the whole idea of me writing to you feels incomprehensible to you, just let it be, and let me be.

I guess I am running out of words here, and it is probably too much for you to take in all at once. So, until my next letter, just remember this: 



To the dream I write,
To a heart wide awake,
To a vision that keeps
Haunting me..
To my blindness
When I lose the way!



Love you,
Zainab