You are mine

 

While writing this, I am listening to a song named “6ameny”; meaning assure me of your well being, or tell me you are alright, by the famous Kuwaiti singer Abdulla Al Ruwaished. It is a very beautiful romantic song, which also has its share of melancholy and a touch of nostalgia.

Well, for me the song is a link to a memory that goes back to around 4 or 5 years. At the time, I coincidentally came across a novel whose writer used to publish chapters from on a regular basis, in a Saudi Forum. The author is a Saudi doctor by the name of Mona Al Marshood. The novel itself is called ‘Anta Li”, this is translated as ‘You are mine’. For anyone who feels interested in reading it, I won’t reveal any details about it so as not to spoil the thrill of reading it without knowing anything about it.

I cannot say what really drew me to it back then, but I seriously became so hooked to it to the extent that I spent continuous hours just reading chapters and chapters without so much as a break! I was literally glued to the screen and caught in a spill that did not free me until I was done with reading all the chapters she published online. However, after reaching chapter 43, she made an announcement that she would stop publishing online until she gets the whole thing printed on paper, due to the unpleasant fact that her story was stolen and published in different forums with other names! So to preserve her rights, she wanted to have it printed so the truth would remain that she was the real author. You can imagine how upset we got! Her readers were like thousands from all over the world and no one had the patience to wait. Our wait dragged for months, and the months became a year or two! At a certain point, I stopped waiting and decided to give up on the whole thing.

As the time went by, I heard that the whole thing was finally published! People had to register in order to get a copy of the book from Saudi Arabia, particularly at the official signing of the book. I could not get my copy because I was late and they ran out of copies. I asked one of my Saudi friends to go the bookshop that sold the book and get me one, but they had none! I was desperate, and got really upset knowing I would not be able to finish reading the thing! However, some of those who did get the book scanned the remaining chapters and put them online for the rest of us to read! So, I did finally finish it:) I loved it, really loved it.

Anyways, back to the song I am listening to at the moment, when I first started reading the story, I had this same song playing, and I don’t know why, but it was just the perfect song at the time to make me get into the story deep; real deep. I put it on the repeat mode, and I did not even get sick of listening to it over and over again. Of course I cried like a baby throughout the read, and the song contributed to that.

Now, I cannot listen to it without remembering those days, and the story, and all the details, and the feelings it evoked in me back then. I can literally close my eyes and relive it all, moment by moment. It is amazing how we can always link a particular song or melody to a particular incident. We can always go back in time merely by listening to it again.

This memory, and this song, always makes me smile, despite the sense of sadness it beholds. I am the kind of person who has a connection with certain kinds of songs, each of which means something different to me. The biggest sentimental, I know! LOL.

For those of you interested in listening to it or watching the clip, here it is! Enjoy:)

To be OR not to be!

I have just finished watching the amazing and inspiring movie “Julie & Julia”, which  I have been meaning to watch since forever, but every time I decided to do so, something got in the way, or some laziness on my part; for the sake of honesty. When I did finish it, less than a half hour ago, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was thumping so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack or something. Strange enough, eh?

Well here is the truth about why it has made me feel this way. Throughout the movie, I felt like a message was being delivered to me, like someone was telling me to see what I have to see, and understand what I should understand and believe in. I could see myself in Julie herself, I felt as though the story reflected me, and this one dream that has been chasing me; or me chasing it, almost all my life.

Before watching the movie, my eldest brother; done watching it, told me that I had to see it as soon as possible. I remember what he said to me back then, he said:

‘Julie & Julia is made for you! If you do not watch it at the earliest, then you are the stupidest person ever!’.

At the time, I was puzzled as to why he was that much enthusiastic about it. I asked him why he thought  I should see it, and he replied that it was just the thing to get me going and make me realize that I was meant to be another Julie! Now I know why he had that conviction and vision.

Let me tell you this, every minute throughout the movie, I saw myself in Julie’s shoes. I imagined it was my blog being popular and widely read and loved. In my head, I saw the moment where I would finally get my moment; “The Moment'” I have been seeing and living over and over again in my mind and heart. I saw myself being discovered, and acknowledged and appraised. I swear I am not being vain or ostentatious here; gloating about being masterly in writing. I am merely acknowledging something I know I have. Isn’t it always good to recognize what you believe you possess; what you see as a talent and a skill in yourself? Isn’t this the first right step towards real success?

 

You remember the days when we were still kids; fond of talking and babbling and giving life to life itself simply by having all sorts of dreams, thought to be silly at times? I remember how I kept telling my parents that I would grow up to be a writer! As funny as it seems now, I still go back to the things I wrote back then. My dad keeps a file for each one of us; my brothers and myself, where he kept all the documents and papers concerning us; certificates, cards, scribbles and all. You might laugh at this, but my file has the biggest share of scribbles! There are songs, letters to my parents, short stories and similar writings. When I had a disagreement with either mom or dad, I always ended up writing a letter of apology or one of anger; always checking how much they would endure my tantrums! Okay so I was spoiled; being an only daughter;D

My father once told me that I would indeed grow up to be a writer. That belief somehow grew bigger and has become the only thing I could think of making a reality one day. Believe me, back at school, I would enjoy nothing as much as I enjoyed writing. Even my teachers teased me about my unwillingness and reluctance to let go of the pen whenever I was given the chance to express myself, to speak my mind about any subject or issue. I was good at it, and I would always get an excellent mark that reflected my passion for writing.

So, time went by ever so quickly, and I ended up studying English Literature with a minor in translation at the University. I chose it because I loved it. It has given me all the guidance I needed to become more skilled in what I love; writing. It has intensified and solidified my faith in myself as a good writer, a person who is capable enough of using words to deliver a message, to communicate with people effectively and make a difference in their lives, no matter how insignificant that effect might be. However, the more I write, the more I realize that this is not enough, it is not where I want to stop, but only the beginning of a journey I am willing to take.

“Julie & Julia” was not the trigger to this desire, it was merely a reminder that I should work harder to pursue my dream; the dream of becoming a true writer! To put it right, it was all the inspiration I needed to keep myself going, to finish something I have started but lost the courage and determination to finish, somewhere along the way.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder about me, about this dream I have, about the future I so much want for myself, and the life I wish to lead. There is always this moment when I would ask myself this:

How readable do others think my writings are?
To which extent can I keep people hooked to my words?
Do they see me as a gifted writer?
Do they look forward to reading more of what I have to say?
Are they enthusiastic enough about me, and what I write?? 

The questions would of course go on and on, until I give up thinking, or give in to my fear of pursuing the dream. Sometimes I stumble and fall, and other times I just find myself gathering all the courage in the world and plan for the days to come; the brighter days, the days  that would pave the way for a brilliant future, one of glory and achievement.

As I stand at this crossroads today; asking myself the famous question; Hamlet’s question: To be or not to Be, I find my heart and my mind screaming at me To Be! I think we are all meant to be certain things in life, and to become the people we choose to become, it is just that our choices are what make all the difference, and distinguish one person from another.

For me, I don’t have the slightest shred of doubt as to what I want to become in life. It is just that sometimes I am blinded by this inexplicable and unbearable fear of taking one additional step forward. Sometimes I am once again that little girl with the pony tail; always fearful of falling and never having the strength to stand up again!

To be or NOT to be; that is always the question!

Henna Nostalgia

The other day I went to a friend’s Henna party. The overall atmosphere was great and I had so much fun being there and watching the girls enjoy their time dancing and signing and having pleasant and unforgettable moments in the company of the people they love and care about.

The theme of the night was ‘Indian’, so the bride and her sisters and also the kids wore Indian costumes, and so did I. For those of you who know the Arab Henna Party traditions, you would know that there is usually this  ‘Sufra’ thing, where there would be various kinds of decorations and beautifully designed pots and glassware, and of course giveaways. This is originally an Iranian tradition, but now it has become widely practiced amongst so many people, who consider it an important part of the wedding festivities. 

‘Sufra’ could be done in different ways, and now that it has become this popular, you would find endless creative ways to do it. The more I see of it, the more convinced I am of the fact that it is nothing like it used to be anymore. Nowadays it tends to be inventive and also innovative. People are coming with all sorts of ideas to make their ‘Sufras’ look more dazzling and appealing to the eyes!

Here are examples of different Sufras:

Of course these are only samples I have found on the internet, but I have seen much more beautiful Sufras that took my breath away! Anyhow, back to the Henna party I went to, the giveaways they had were colored coffee cups covered with small pieces of glittering chiffon cloth. Inside those cups, there was Henna, sprinkled with red and green glitters; just like the bride’s dress. They gave me six cups, and because I knew I would not use them all, I had to empty some of the Henna inside so it would not dry up and go to waste. So I went to my bathroom and put those cups under the tap, for the henna to be washed away. While I was doing that, I could smell the fragrant smell of the henna. It was so strong that I just could not do anything but stand there sniffing it with a wide smile on my face; indulging in its magical and unique aroma. I am a henna person by the way, I just go weak in the knees at the sight of henna and I would be so proud and jubilant every time I had my hands painted with henna.

 
The one thing you probably do not know about what henna does to me is that it fills me with a strange and overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I did experience it while I was washing those cups of the henna. It always reminds me of something ancient and pure and worthy. It makes me think of happiness in the true sense of the word. When I smell henna, I see myself going back in time, when my cousins and I would have our hands painted with henna for Eids and weddings. That was always the first thing we thought of, amongst our other endless preparations for Eids and wedding parties alike.

Henna makes me nostalgic for days that would never come back, for a childhood I will always remember with pride and fondness.

Henna is a symbol for the past, and a future I cannot fully see. It is a token of love and remembrance, and a ticket to a rare kind of joy and happiness. It is the identity that has preserved its value over so many generations which I cannot even keep track of.

It is love.. It is joy.. It is the smile of a happy and a proud bride. It is learning how to belong to something that spiritually means a lot to you.

Henna…
It is my secret nostalgia!

Love You,, Love Life

 

Today, I woke up feeling extra fresh, and extra happy! I know that we are supposed to frequently-if not always-have that touch of hope and willingness to love life just the way it is, because it feels right to be hopeful and optimistic, but we are humans after all, and it is perfectly normal to usually not be over the moon! We all have our ups and downs, for this reason, I stopped asking myself why I am not feeling good about myself and about everything at certain times! Anyways, back to the point, I woke up all happy and smiling today; don’t ask me why though;P 

It just happened! No reason at all. So, I made myself a steaming cup of coffee, and boy it felt unusually good. Well, I guess it had something to do with my buoyant self!

So, all through the day, I kept smiling almost to everybody at work, and felt extremely exuberant that I just could not let myself get frustrated over anything or let any silly incident ruin my contagiously pleasant mood. I almost felt like telling everybody that they should wipe the frown off their faces and put on a smile, no matter how small a smile it is! I know that one little smile could make all the difference in someone’s life. For all you know, it could light up the world for someone who has been waiting-forever- just to see that smile brighten your face, and brighten his/her day just as much.

We usually spend our days sulking over trivial things, and waste our time dwelling on the past; forgetting that the future is ahead of us, waiting for us to open our eyes wide enough to see it, and stretch our arms to embrace a promise only tomorrow could hold for us. I know that I sometimes forget to enjoy life as much as I should, but along the way I have learned that every moment we waste is gone forever, unless we learn to seize it  before it flees, before it is too late even for regret! Even getting crazy at times and doing the unusual things; things we have never thought we could do, has its own beauty and makes you feel unusually ecstatic!  

Believe me, love is the most powerful of all sentiments! It has the power to change you, change the people around you and change the whole world even! Love is magical in its effect and outcome, so it is worthless to waste our time hating and resenting this or that, him and her!
Love is extraordinarily healing, believe me. It is a blessing and a gift from God. So, just love your life, love people, but most importantly love who you are, because loving yourself is definitely the first step towards loving others and learning to love and live life to the fullest. 

I love you all… 

To Mom and Dad..

Today is a very special day to me, and I am sure it feels the same to so many daughters out there, besides me. As positive as I am that my post will not be original in its content, as many have already written about the occasion and others will certainly follow, I still want to seize the opportunity to celebrate this happy day and scream 'Happy Mother's Day' to my mom, and to every mother, or mother-to-be;P

I cannot say how much my mother means to me, because anything I could say would definitely not do her justice. It feels a bit awkward for me to try and summon the right words to express how grateful I am for being blessed with  a mother as great and loving and gracious as my mom. I don't have sisters, but she is more than a sister to me. I treat her as a friend, and I can tell her whatever I want without a moment of  hesitation. She is so kind and understanding that I sometimes hate myself for making her sad, if only for a second!

I love you so much mom, and I want you to know that my life means nothing without you! You make me a better person, and your beautiful smile only can light up my world. If I ever did anything to upset you in any way, I am so sorry!

May Allah bless you and grant you happiness and health and that unique smile of yours that means the world to me and my brothers.

Though most people consider this Mother's Day only, I always think of it as Family's Day. My brothers and I always celebrate it with both mom and dad. We buy gifts for the both of them. As much as a mother is loved and appreciated, a father should be appreciated and cherished just as much.

If it weren't for my father, I would not have become the person I am today. He is my example in life, and I take after him in so many ways that I sometimes just cannot contain the pride and sense of triumph such knowledge fills me with. I have learned a lot from him, and there are yet endless lessons to be learned along the way.

I love you dad.

Mom,, dad
You are the best gift one could ever get.
And I am totally blessed and loved for having you.

Happy Family's Day

Nearly Impossible.!

There are things in life that I do not expect to do, not now, and not in the near future! Well, maybe, just maybe, a day would come when I'd find the guts to do some of them; but most certainly not all of them!!

• I don't expect to ever be free of my obsession with shopping;P
• I don't expect to overcome my fear of locusts and cockroaches!
• I don't expect myself to have the guts to open my eyes at night after I hear any sound I think of as freaking scary!
• I don't expect myself to stop worrying about my weight any time soon!
• I don't think I can bring myself to find any excuse to a hypocrite!
• I don't think I can be a total optimist.
• I don't expect to stop blushing in a an extremely noticeable way whenever I receive a compliment or a reproof, or when I get embarrassed for any reason at all!
• I don't think I can gather enough courage to act rude to rude people, even at the times I ache to do so.
• I don't expect to stop being so romantic to the extent that I just cannot stop wanting and craving things that cease to exist; or so I have been told.
• I don't expect to ever become the kind of person who emotionally heals fast.
• I don't think I have the ability to forgive people who have back stabbed me when I did nothing to deserve that.
• I don't expect to be rid of my passion for chocolate.
• I don't think the day would come when I would fall out of love with everything Italian;D
• I don’t expect to be able to hold back the tears every time I watch ‘Gone with the Wind’, or stop sighing whenever I watch ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, or not be spiritually and emotionally and mentally overwhelmed when I watch ‘V for Vendetta’! 
• I don't expect to break free from this intense feeling I have for traveling, having fun, watching movies, reading, writing, being a dreamer;a silly romantic sometimes, and most important of all I don't expect and don't want to stop being me; just the way I am.

I cannot decide when I will or won't do any of the above;P

Don't say a word..!

We all have secrets, and we all have issues that we'd rather keep to ourselves and never let anyone on in. We probably do this because we prefer to have some privacy, but sometimes we do it because we choose to not reveal some things in fear of appearing fragile and breakable before the eyes of the people surrounding us!

You are definitely wondering about my secret at the moment.

And, you are most probably asking yourself about this thing I am attempting to reveal here.

Don't try too hard, for I am here to unravel the mystery myself!!

When I open my blog to post something new, I always feel like coming home, like I have been lost in the middle of nowhere and finally found my way to the one place that truly comforts me, the place that makes me feel at peace with myself and the whole world.

When I blog, I am free of any and every fear that might prevent me from talking to you freely. When I touch the keyboard, I don't think twice before letting my words fly high to reach you; every single one of you out there. My blog is my haven.. It is my refuge.. It is my little paradise.. It is where I am totally and completely free; free to speak.. Free to scream.. Free to cry.. And laugh.. Free to present you with the chance to see through me, to know me, to understand the real me.

I am not here today to talk about my love for my blog; I think you all know that by now;P

I am here to set me free.. To say the thing that I have been dreading to say out loud because I did not want people to think of me as a complainer, or see me as someone who does not accept what has been destined for her by Allah; that is not having a sister.

Here goes, the secret is out; I am sad because I do not have a sister!! Do not say a word, though;D 

I know I am not the only one who does not have a sister, and I swear I thank Allah every minute for blessing me with friends who are closer to me than anybody, and whom I cannot see life without because they are an essential part of me, without whom I know I cannot survive.

It is just that sometimes loneliness closes in on me, suffocates me beyond reason.. Beyond comprehension; making me blind with a strange kind of grief, one that does not give me the chance to breathe properly because it sucks all the air out of my little world.

Last night, while lying on bed trying so hard to lull myself to sleep with pleasant thoughts, I found myself wishing so bad I had a sister, with whom I could babble till late at night, and go crazy with like sisters normally do, without once stopping to think whether or not  she'd understand me at all times.

I could not stop myself from imagining what it'd feel like to have that sister stay with me in the same room, with her bed right next to mine, when on the weekends we would get ready for sleep, but would end up talking and talking and talking about all the silly and non-silly things in the world until time ceases to exist for us, or until one of us falls asleep mid sentence! Now how beautiful do you think that image is??

When I have such thoughts, I feel so lonely, and so bereft that I could hardly hold the tears back. At such moments, all I wish for is the ability to block the tantalizing 'I wish for this' and 'I wish for that' and stop myself from turning into a bitter version of myself. When loneliness chooses to pay me a visit, I pray for peace of mind and heart to conquer it and put the smile-My smile- back on my face.

Truth is I sometimes cannot help but fall victim to such negative thoughts and sentiments, but I am still thankful for all the happy and wonderful and extraordinary moments I got and still get to live with all my friends/sisters out there. You know yourselves and you know how much I love you and Will always do. I will never stop being there for you all whenever you need me.

 
To all of you who happen to read this, and who have real sisters, keep them safe all the time. Show them how much you love them and treasure every moment you spend with them. Don’t ever underestimate the value of your sister; a sister is a treasure that only those who are deprived of know what it is like not to have. 

Love your sisters..
Treasure them..

Love.. Hate!!

When I wrote this, my mind was totally blank! The idea came to me quite unexpectedly, but I loved it all the same, and so I decided to share with you my arbitrary thoughts here!

I love it when I wake up in the morning and remember that it is a day off; meaning I can still sleep more!

I love the feeling I get when I know that someone thinks I am cute;P

I love the idea of falling in love.. madly.. deeply

I love lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling, with my mind devoid of any thought!

I love travel to the extent of being able to close my eyes and see myself in a new place everyday.

I love romantic movies that tug at my heart and drive my pulse to go haywire.

I love the idea of running out in the rain and laughing like crazy. Never stopped dreaming of doing this!

I love the feeling of soft wet sand on my bare feet.

I love it when I cook and others commend my cooking.

I love it when the sky is so full of bright stars at night that it makes you feel as though you are lost in a world of sheer fantasy.

I love how it feels when the wind blows through my hair and caresses my cheek like a gentle hand.

I love listening to the things that always lift one's spirits up and fill them with hope.    

I love you all as you read this at the moment.

 

I hate it when some people pretend to know me very well, when the truth is they don’t know anything and don’t care to know.

I hate the intense feeling of remorse over anything I promised myself not to do, and ended up doing!

I hate it when I want to stand up for myself so bad it hurts, and fail to do so repeatedly.

I hate not being in control of my life!

I hate watching some people act so mean towards those who least deserve it.

I hate getting all worked up about things I know in my heart are not worth the fuss!

I hate it when girls stare other girls up and down for no reason at all! Isn’t that born out of sheer jealousy?

I hate the feeling of helplessness and uncertainty.

I hate it when I cannot sleep at night.

I hate the sound of the alarm early in the morning.

I hate it when the vain ones try to impose their beliefs and perspectives in life on you and criticize you for not wanting to be as vain as they are!

I hate not being able to express myself properly when I need that the most!

I hate me when I don’t blog;P

Who am I??

The other day, one of my cyber friends asked me to tell her more about myself; we were trying to learn more about each other. For a few moments, I just sat there staring at the screen and thinking of what I was going to say next. I could feel my fingers going still on the keyboard in the middle of my short lived stance. I mean, it is fairly difficult to describe yourself to people, to talk about yourself from your own angle and perspective. I did feel at a loss of words at that instant, and for the first time in a while I asked myself  that one question: Who am I?

By this question I don't mean to question my personality or aim for an attempt to know myself more, or dig deeper into my soul to discover things I might not know about myself, for at the end of the day nobody knows you better than yourself! What I am trying to say here is that it felt awkward for me to search for the right words to portray myself as I should do, and make the whole picture clear and readable enough for those who do not know me in person, the people who might, at this very moment, be reading my words and wondering about the lady behind the screen; the lady who calls herself Miss Dreamer.

Well, for a start I see myself as a dreamer; a big dreamer so to speak. I enjoy day dreaming to the extent that I can close my eyes and see the future life that I would like to lead  in a matter of minutes. When I dream, I dream big. When I drift away with my mind and my imagination,  I can always come up with stories that I long to star in and turn into a vivid reality one day. I am not saying that reality ceases to exist for me, because if it weren't for my urge to use my mind a lot and analyze almost everything before putting it into action, I would not have managed to survive the cruelty of today's world, what with the marshmallow like heart I happen to have!  What I am saying here is that I am so emotional that I sometimes wish for my heart to never feel things the way it does; it  is constantly making me wish for and crave things that are said to only exist in fairytales.

It is very easy to make me happy, to make me smile, and at the same time the littlest things can turn my whole world into ashes and make me cry! Sometimes I wonder if it is a bad thing to be so emotional, so easily moved, so easily touched from the inside. Well to some people it might be, but I believe one better be passionate and sensitive than callous and unfeeling!

I do not know what else I could say about myself, because it is indeed proving difficult to elaborate more about me, about who I am! However, I cannot help but see what I want and dream about in my mind's eye. I can see myself bumping into my destiny; the man behind the mask, No Face, my knight in shining armor. I can see myself holding hands with him, loving him, needing him; the one I am still waiting for to paint my dreams with the colors of the rainbow. I can see myself becoming a mother to a cute little baby, cuddling it, holding it close to my heart, feeling its heartbeat in the very depth of my soul, laughing, and giggling, and going crazy with the kind of happiness that only such a future could bring. On top of all that, I see myself becoming a universal author; the author I have longed to become, for longer than I can even remember. 

Who am I??

I am simply a lady who has dreams, and also fears.

I know the smile,, the laughter,, yet I can sulk like a baby at times;P

I have strengths, but I do have my weaknesses as well.

I can be so yielding at times, but that does not stop me from opting for stubbornness

whenever necessary.

I am the realist, but also the biggest dreamer alive;P

(Aren’t I exaggerating a little-chuckling to myself-

I enjoy being around my family and friends to the extreme.

I totally find pleasure in snuggling comfortably under the covers to read a romantic book, and smile and laugh and even cry once I get so much into it.

I love life, and I pray for it to love me back just as much.

Who am I??

I sure am not perfect, for nobody ever is, but I like who I am, and am proud to say so. 
 

P.S: This post is especially dedicated to my friend Texan. You inspired me to write this post. Thank you dear:)

Moments of Grief

Yesterday, my cousin’s husband passed away; he has been sick for some time, yet his death came as a surprise to as all, something we could not bring ourselves to believe! I cannot say we did not expect it, as his condition deteriorated rapidly the past few days, but the loss was devastating in its painful effect on all of us.

It is Allah’s will and that is something we should accept and learn to deal with, that I know, but I cannot help but remember him, the way he always approached with that noticeably lovable and attractive aura of his, and the smile we all knew by heart. He was such a pure hearted man that every single person who knew him loved him instantly, unconditionally!

Seeing my cousin now; tearful, broken and lost without him, makes me want to run away so I would not see that haunted look in the depth of her eyes! I can see how scary and bleak her life already is without him, and how much of an overwhelming responsibility raising her still young two boys would definitely be, yet I know that we can do nothing but be with her, support her and console her as much as we can.

Losing that wonderful and rare man is a great and terrible loss indeed, but I pray for Allah to grant my dear cousin the patience and strength of heart and faith to go on with her life and raise her kids just as wonderfully as she always has.

We are all here for you Fatima and will always be. Remember how much we love you.. Remember that you are never alone with us around you.

May Allah grant Jaffar’s soul peace and have mercy on him. To Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return.