Don't say a word..!

We all have secrets, and we all have issues that we'd rather keep to ourselves and never let anyone on in. We probably do this because we prefer to have some privacy, but sometimes we do it because we choose to not reveal some things in fear of appearing fragile and breakable before the eyes of the people surrounding us!

You are definitely wondering about my secret at the moment.

And, you are most probably asking yourself about this thing I am attempting to reveal here.

Don't try too hard, for I am here to unravel the mystery myself!!

When I open my blog to post something new, I always feel like coming home, like I have been lost in the middle of nowhere and finally found my way to the one place that truly comforts me, the place that makes me feel at peace with myself and the whole world.

When I blog, I am free of any and every fear that might prevent me from talking to you freely. When I touch the keyboard, I don't think twice before letting my words fly high to reach you; every single one of you out there. My blog is my haven.. It is my refuge.. It is my little paradise.. It is where I am totally and completely free; free to speak.. Free to scream.. Free to cry.. And laugh.. Free to present you with the chance to see through me, to know me, to understand the real me.

I am not here today to talk about my love for my blog; I think you all know that by now;P

I am here to set me free.. To say the thing that I have been dreading to say out loud because I did not want people to think of me as a complainer, or see me as someone who does not accept what has been destined for her by Allah; that is not having a sister.

Here goes, the secret is out; I am sad because I do not have a sister!! Do not say a word, though;D 

I know I am not the only one who does not have a sister, and I swear I thank Allah every minute for blessing me with friends who are closer to me than anybody, and whom I cannot see life without because they are an essential part of me, without whom I know I cannot survive.

It is just that sometimes loneliness closes in on me, suffocates me beyond reason.. Beyond comprehension; making me blind with a strange kind of grief, one that does not give me the chance to breathe properly because it sucks all the air out of my little world.

Last night, while lying on bed trying so hard to lull myself to sleep with pleasant thoughts, I found myself wishing so bad I had a sister, with whom I could babble till late at night, and go crazy with like sisters normally do, without once stopping to think whether or not  she'd understand me at all times.

I could not stop myself from imagining what it'd feel like to have that sister stay with me in the same room, with her bed right next to mine, when on the weekends we would get ready for sleep, but would end up talking and talking and talking about all the silly and non-silly things in the world until time ceases to exist for us, or until one of us falls asleep mid sentence! Now how beautiful do you think that image is??

When I have such thoughts, I feel so lonely, and so bereft that I could hardly hold the tears back. At such moments, all I wish for is the ability to block the tantalizing 'I wish for this' and 'I wish for that' and stop myself from turning into a bitter version of myself. When loneliness chooses to pay me a visit, I pray for peace of mind and heart to conquer it and put the smile-My smile- back on my face.

Truth is I sometimes cannot help but fall victim to such negative thoughts and sentiments, but I am still thankful for all the happy and wonderful and extraordinary moments I got and still get to live with all my friends/sisters out there. You know yourselves and you know how much I love you and Will always do. I will never stop being there for you all whenever you need me.

 
To all of you who happen to read this, and who have real sisters, keep them safe all the time. Show them how much you love them and treasure every moment you spend with them. Don’t ever underestimate the value of your sister; a sister is a treasure that only those who are deprived of know what it is like not to have. 

Love your sisters..
Treasure them..

Love.. Hate!!

When I wrote this, my mind was totally blank! The idea came to me quite unexpectedly, but I loved it all the same, and so I decided to share with you my arbitrary thoughts here!

I love it when I wake up in the morning and remember that it is a day off; meaning I can still sleep more!

I love the feeling I get when I know that someone thinks I am cute;P

I love the idea of falling in love.. madly.. deeply

I love lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling, with my mind devoid of any thought!

I love travel to the extent of being able to close my eyes and see myself in a new place everyday.

I love romantic movies that tug at my heart and drive my pulse to go haywire.

I love the idea of running out in the rain and laughing like crazy. Never stopped dreaming of doing this!

I love the feeling of soft wet sand on my bare feet.

I love it when I cook and others commend my cooking.

I love it when the sky is so full of bright stars at night that it makes you feel as though you are lost in a world of sheer fantasy.

I love how it feels when the wind blows through my hair and caresses my cheek like a gentle hand.

I love listening to the things that always lift one's spirits up and fill them with hope.    

I love you all as you read this at the moment.

 

I hate it when some people pretend to know me very well, when the truth is they don’t know anything and don’t care to know.

I hate the intense feeling of remorse over anything I promised myself not to do, and ended up doing!

I hate it when I want to stand up for myself so bad it hurts, and fail to do so repeatedly.

I hate not being in control of my life!

I hate watching some people act so mean towards those who least deserve it.

I hate getting all worked up about things I know in my heart are not worth the fuss!

I hate it when girls stare other girls up and down for no reason at all! Isn’t that born out of sheer jealousy?

I hate the feeling of helplessness and uncertainty.

I hate it when I cannot sleep at night.

I hate the sound of the alarm early in the morning.

I hate it when the vain ones try to impose their beliefs and perspectives in life on you and criticize you for not wanting to be as vain as they are!

I hate not being able to express myself properly when I need that the most!

I hate me when I don’t blog;P

Who am I??

The other day, one of my cyber friends asked me to tell her more about myself; we were trying to learn more about each other. For a few moments, I just sat there staring at the screen and thinking of what I was going to say next. I could feel my fingers going still on the keyboard in the middle of my short lived stance. I mean, it is fairly difficult to describe yourself to people, to talk about yourself from your own angle and perspective. I did feel at a loss of words at that instant, and for the first time in a while I asked myself  that one question: Who am I?

By this question I don't mean to question my personality or aim for an attempt to know myself more, or dig deeper into my soul to discover things I might not know about myself, for at the end of the day nobody knows you better than yourself! What I am trying to say here is that it felt awkward for me to search for the right words to portray myself as I should do, and make the whole picture clear and readable enough for those who do not know me in person, the people who might, at this very moment, be reading my words and wondering about the lady behind the screen; the lady who calls herself Miss Dreamer.

Well, for a start I see myself as a dreamer; a big dreamer so to speak. I enjoy day dreaming to the extent that I can close my eyes and see the future life that I would like to lead  in a matter of minutes. When I dream, I dream big. When I drift away with my mind and my imagination,  I can always come up with stories that I long to star in and turn into a vivid reality one day. I am not saying that reality ceases to exist for me, because if it weren't for my urge to use my mind a lot and analyze almost everything before putting it into action, I would not have managed to survive the cruelty of today's world, what with the marshmallow like heart I happen to have!  What I am saying here is that I am so emotional that I sometimes wish for my heart to never feel things the way it does; it  is constantly making me wish for and crave things that are said to only exist in fairytales.

It is very easy to make me happy, to make me smile, and at the same time the littlest things can turn my whole world into ashes and make me cry! Sometimes I wonder if it is a bad thing to be so emotional, so easily moved, so easily touched from the inside. Well to some people it might be, but I believe one better be passionate and sensitive than callous and unfeeling!

I do not know what else I could say about myself, because it is indeed proving difficult to elaborate more about me, about who I am! However, I cannot help but see what I want and dream about in my mind's eye. I can see myself bumping into my destiny; the man behind the mask, No Face, my knight in shining armor. I can see myself holding hands with him, loving him, needing him; the one I am still waiting for to paint my dreams with the colors of the rainbow. I can see myself becoming a mother to a cute little baby, cuddling it, holding it close to my heart, feeling its heartbeat in the very depth of my soul, laughing, and giggling, and going crazy with the kind of happiness that only such a future could bring. On top of all that, I see myself becoming a universal author; the author I have longed to become, for longer than I can even remember. 

Who am I??

I am simply a lady who has dreams, and also fears.

I know the smile,, the laughter,, yet I can sulk like a baby at times;P

I have strengths, but I do have my weaknesses as well.

I can be so yielding at times, but that does not stop me from opting for stubbornness

whenever necessary.

I am the realist, but also the biggest dreamer alive;P

(Aren’t I exaggerating a little-chuckling to myself-

I enjoy being around my family and friends to the extreme.

I totally find pleasure in snuggling comfortably under the covers to read a romantic book, and smile and laugh and even cry once I get so much into it.

I love life, and I pray for it to love me back just as much.

Who am I??

I sure am not perfect, for nobody ever is, but I like who I am, and am proud to say so. 
 

P.S: This post is especially dedicated to my friend Texan. You inspired me to write this post. Thank you dear:)

Moments of Grief

Yesterday, my cousin’s husband passed away; he has been sick for some time, yet his death came as a surprise to as all, something we could not bring ourselves to believe! I cannot say we did not expect it, as his condition deteriorated rapidly the past few days, but the loss was devastating in its painful effect on all of us.

It is Allah’s will and that is something we should accept and learn to deal with, that I know, but I cannot help but remember him, the way he always approached with that noticeably lovable and attractive aura of his, and the smile we all knew by heart. He was such a pure hearted man that every single person who knew him loved him instantly, unconditionally!

Seeing my cousin now; tearful, broken and lost without him, makes me want to run away so I would not see that haunted look in the depth of her eyes! I can see how scary and bleak her life already is without him, and how much of an overwhelming responsibility raising her still young two boys would definitely be, yet I know that we can do nothing but be with her, support her and console her as much as we can.

Losing that wonderful and rare man is a great and terrible loss indeed, but I pray for Allah to grant my dear cousin the patience and strength of heart and faith to go on with her life and raise her kids just as wonderfully as she always has.

We are all here for you Fatima and will always be. Remember how much we love you.. Remember that you are never alone with us around you.

May Allah grant Jaffar’s soul peace and have mercy on him. To Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return.

In need of prayer…

 

My Cousin's husband is very sick and in an extremely critical condition at the moment. He needs Our prayers, and believe me every single prayer any of you utters is certainly needed and appreciated.

Please pray for him..

ربى إنى مسنى الضُر و أنت أرحم الراحمين

اللهم اشفه شفاء ليس بعده سقما أبدًا

اللهم خذ بيده اللهم احرسه بعينك التى لا تنام

و اكفه بركنك الذى لا يرام

واحفظه بعزك الذى لا يُضام

و اكلأه فى الليل و فى النهار

 وارحمه بقدرتك عليه أنت ثقته ورجائه

يا كاشف الهم  يا مُفرج الكرب يا مُجيب دعوة

المُضطرين

اللهم ألبسه ثوب الصحة والعافية عاجلاً غيرآجلاً يا أرحم الراحمين

اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه

اللهم آمين

Falling in love with blogging

  

When I first established my blog, I did not know that I was a blog person; I did it because I was encouraged to do so by so many people around me, who obviously knew at the time that  I could and would be able to succeed in making my blog a readable one. I am not showing off or being vain here, I am merely saying that I am thankful that I have entered the exciting world of blogging.

I remember how uncertain and scared I was at the beginning; I did not know whether or not I could make myself interesting enough as a blogger, and I did not know if I would be able to paint my posts with the colors I loved, and portray them the way I wanted. For me, the quality of my writing was more important than anything else; I wanted to have that touch and skill by which I could engage people who took the time to visit the blog, and I most certainly wanted to be capable of weaving magic with my words. Does that sound strange? I sure hope not! I did not know until I created the blog and started writing in it frequently that it would become an essential part of my life, I did not expect to fall in love with blogging the way I did, and still do.

I know that I do not write as much as I want to, but I still enjoy the thrill that overwhelms me every time I post something new. The pleasure and gratitude that washes over me every single time I find a new comment on any of my posts is beyond description, and the discovery that an additional fan has joined my blog and decided to be a follower makes me want to jump up and down from excitement. Now don’t laugh at this;P

There is not really a criteria that I stick to whenever I decide to post something new; I just do it when a new thought pops into my head, or when I feel that persistent and strong urge  and need to let something out, to express a notion or an emotion! Through blogging, I have found a way to speak to people, and have them speak back to me. Through blogging, I discovered a heavenly refuge that nothing can replace. It is very strange how easily and naturally words flow when I sit on my chair and face the screen to write anything new. It is magic, and it is the one thing that truly sets me free, on a constant basis. The refreshing thing about blogging it is the way it makes me feel as though an invisible, yet a powerful, connection is formed between me and people I know, and others I do not know; all through the power of words, and expressions, and ideas. When I write, I feel as though I am completely known and familiar to every single person who reads my words, and thus reads me!

Though I would love to write and update my blog more frequently and on a much steadier pace, that does not change the fact that I enjoy writing here, whenever I get the chance to do so. It is like I am born anew every time I publish a new post and learn that it has intrigued various readers to a satisfying degree. And believe me, if I had known before that blogging would give me such pleasure, joy and content, I would have established my blog much much earlier.

So, for the love of blogging, I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have encouraged me to create this magical little world of mine. A special thank you also goes to all of you who take the time to visit my blog and take interest in what I have to give and for providing me with more than enough motivation to keep going.

Thank you for making me enjoy this.. For making me love it and believe in it and in myself.. Thank you for making me fall in love with blogging over and over again.

My Valentine..

14 February 2010

Dearest No face,

I still find it fairly difficult to communicate with you after long intervals of absence, such as this one! I know it has been a while since I last wrote any letter to you, and as inexcusable as this might be, I find myself unable to justify it properly, to myself, let alone to you! It is strange, isn’t it? For someone to get this much attached to a phantom, an illusion, a fantasy that relates in no way to reality. Yet, I am always full of excitement whenever I grab my pen and write yet another letter to you.

There is this strangest and most powerful feeling overwhelming me at this very moment, while I am writing this to you. I cannot quite explain it, and I wonder if you would even get it, but I am happy and joyful in a way that I haven’t felt for quite sometime. Every word, every expression, and every single sentiment accompanying these words here is true in every sense, that much I want you to know, and that much I certainly want you to believe, for the fact that you are a No Face does not change the truth that I am pleased by your existence in my life, no matter how crazy or laughable this might sound to some. Every single one of us out there needs something to cling to, to believe in, to find consolation in. When I think of you, and when I write to you, I find all the consolation I need, and more importantly, I find content, and the smile that everybody wants to see drawn on their lips.

You know, until late this morning, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day! It took me sometime to make the connection, and when it hit me that it was indeed February the 14th; Valentine’s Day, I was disoriented for a moment or so. I thought to myself, here comes another Valentine’s Day without your real presence in my life. This day would have turned out differently if you were for real, and I would have been a happier woman, don’t you think?

They say everything happens for a reason, and there is a perfect time for every occurrence in life. I cannot deny the fact that your absence makes me sad and fills my heart with a kind of hollowness that only you can fill, completely. However, an inexplicable intuition; stronger than anything else, keeps telling me that you are closer to me than ever, that I’ll finally get to see you, and fall in love with you, only this time for real.

I believe in Allah,, in destiny,, and I also believe in you,, in my love for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day my Sweet Valentine..

Love,
Zainab

Avatar… more than a movie!

 

I have finally seen the legendary movie “AVATAR”, the movie I have heard a lot about; from almost everybody,  the movie that has evoked the most stunning reaction worldwide! For me to say that James Cameron is an exceptionally brilliant director and writer will certainly not add to this genius’s history of outstanding creations, for he is indeed a Genius,  without me having to say that about him! And anything I would say here won’t serve this movie; Avatar, justice!

Throughout the 162 minutes movie runtime, I was literally glued to my seat, just like every other person in the cinema, and I truly felt like all of us could not and would not dare blink, for the fear of missing a second of it all! Everything about the movie was extraordinary, outstanding, spellbinding and certainly mind blowing. To feel like you are no longer in the real world, no longer on planet earth, is a feeling you won’t get in any movie other than avatar, believe me!

I was there, in Pandora, and I could feel and touch life, to the last little detail. I could no longer pay attention to the people around me, I could not even open my eyes to the fact that I was watching a movie. The hypnotic and mind blowing effect of it makes you forget where you are; it just takes you beyond time and beyond place, right to the heart of Pandora, right in the middle of the navii.

Usually, I am not short of words or expressions, but right at this moment, I find myself struggling to come up with the right words to describe my experience, watching this visually, emotionally and spiritually mesmerizing movie. I swear I did not want it to end, I just wanted it to last for as long as it could get, for it was one of the best cinematic experiences ever. There is so much about it that one cannot but surrender to its magic; to the spiritual richness it beholds.   

When I left the cinema hall, I felt like I was walking on air, like my mind and heart and soul no longer belonged to me, they were floating in Pandora, relishing a sensation so rarely found! The experience avatar puts one through does not end as the movie comes to an end, it lingers with you for longer than you would expect. The sense of amazement, and that perplexing emotional peace you get out of it seem to stay with you endlessly, forcing you to lose yourself to it completely.

“ I See You ” is what I can also say to Avatar! To the epic that has touched me so deep that I failed to hold back the tears more than once, throughout all the magic it held for me to capture.

Believe me, you do not want to miss the movie that truly has a soul of its own! The movie that is more than just a movie, and so much more than an epic.

Heartbroken…

It is believed that the easiest way to get your heart broken is to love; to open up to someone, to trust them with your heart, to believe that your soul is safe with them. When you do all that, you are bound to get hurt, and eventually have your heart broken!

When you like someone so immensely that you literally freak out when they are not around, fear of getting hurt or even slightly neglected by those same people becomes your companion. You stop seeing and thinking and believing that your life is beautiful without them being an essential part of it, for you only see the rainbow through their eyes.  When the people you love almost become the centre of your existence, every minute you spend without them becomes meaningless, tasteless and most certainly lifeless. When they smile, your world lights up. When they cry, your whole existence turns into something darker than your worst nightmare!

To love unconditionally, infinitely and wholeheartedly is to be totally exposed before the ones you love. You leave none of your sentiments hidden or unrevealed, because deep down you believe that what you give is always what you get. However, that is not always the case, for you cannot always expect others to be as emotional and loving as you are. If that was the way love worked, everybody would have been spared the heartache and no tears would ever have been shed! Sadly, people are not the same, and they can never be.

To love is to be inexplicably blinded by the sheer intensity of your need to your beloved ones. Yet, and against all odds, you never question your emotional hunger for their presence, their smile, their words, even at the times they drive you nuts!

It is only love that has the power to transform most people into fragile individuals, whose hearts are left unprotected against the hurt that could and would probably go their way; piercing their naked souls, penetrating them to the very core. The pain, once fully acknowledged, is unbearable, unthinkable, and most definitely unimaginable.  

When you love someone, whether a lover, a relative, or a friend, you are never immune to cruelty, injustice or hurt. When you love, you don’t brace yourself for the fall. It is only when you take the full force of the fall that you realize you are seriously wounded, only to discover that the bleeding is in your heart, and that you are heartbroken!!

Do nosy people ever stop being nosy?!

Have you ever felt so frustrated and annoyed, because of someone,  that you momentarily lost the ability to appropriately express yourself, or more to the point your anger? Has that someone pushed you to the brink; until you literally felt you could not take it anymore?

Well, it happens all the time!! And it has happened to me so many times recently, to the extent that I have stopped feeling surprised. It is puzzling, really, the way some people are totally ignorant to the word ‘PRIVACY’, and it is definitely annoying how they insist on invading your privacy in every way and on all accounts; always eager to know more, always dying to find out what you are doing, how you are doing it and why you are doing it!

God, isn’t that enough to drive you crazy and wear your patience completely? Frankly, incessant nosiness is unbearable, utterly horrible and most definitely inexcusable! What bothers and angers me even more is the way NOSY people practice their nosiness! Well, for a start they might ask you one innocent little question; pretending to be mildly interested in you, only to gradually shower you with endless, sometimes even weird questions, that eventually succeed in stunning you in a very unsettling way! Yet nothing, even your obvious discomfort at their rudeness and lack of etiquette, serves to deliver the one message to them; that you are truly not willing to let them in on your privacy or your life!

How hard is that to understand? I mean, people in general only speak when they want to speak, when they are willing to share! When I imply a tendency for reticence, then I sure do mean it, and want it. When I choose not to say anything, it is because I don’t have anything to say; particularly to the ones I don’t trust nor feel comfortable talking to! So how come nosy people never get that? And why do they constantly feel the need to know everything about everybody! I swear it is like they are driven by some sort of insatiable thirst to pry into other people’s business, and know things that do not concern them in the least, not out of concern but curiosity; negative curiosity!

Honestly, I don’t think I will ever understand the way nosy people think or act! And though I might not be able to express my annoyance openly, I can still say: Mind your business people!

But really, do nosy people ever stop being nosy?? I cannot help but wonder!