To be OR not to be!

I have just finished watching the amazing and inspiring movie “Julie & Julia”, which  I have been meaning to watch since forever, but every time I decided to do so, something got in the way, or some laziness on my part; for the sake of honesty. When I did finish it, less than a half hour ago, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was thumping so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack or something. Strange enough, eh?

Well here is the truth about why it has made me feel this way. Throughout the movie, I felt like a message was being delivered to me, like someone was telling me to see what I have to see, and understand what I should understand and believe in. I could see myself in Julie herself, I felt as though the story reflected me, and this one dream that has been chasing me; or me chasing it, almost all my life.

Before watching the movie, my eldest brother; done watching it, told me that I had to see it as soon as possible. I remember what he said to me back then, he said:

‘Julie & Julia is made for you! If you do not watch it at the earliest, then you are the stupidest person ever!’.

At the time, I was puzzled as to why he was that much enthusiastic about it. I asked him why he thought  I should see it, and he replied that it was just the thing to get me going and make me realize that I was meant to be another Julie! Now I know why he had that conviction and vision.

Let me tell you this, every minute throughout the movie, I saw myself in Julie’s shoes. I imagined it was my blog being popular and widely read and loved. In my head, I saw the moment where I would finally get my moment; “The Moment'” I have been seeing and living over and over again in my mind and heart. I saw myself being discovered, and acknowledged and appraised. I swear I am not being vain or ostentatious here; gloating about being masterly in writing. I am merely acknowledging something I know I have. Isn’t it always good to recognize what you believe you possess; what you see as a talent and a skill in yourself? Isn’t this the first right step towards real success?

 

You remember the days when we were still kids; fond of talking and babbling and giving life to life itself simply by having all sorts of dreams, thought to be silly at times? I remember how I kept telling my parents that I would grow up to be a writer! As funny as it seems now, I still go back to the things I wrote back then. My dad keeps a file for each one of us; my brothers and myself, where he kept all the documents and papers concerning us; certificates, cards, scribbles and all. You might laugh at this, but my file has the biggest share of scribbles! There are songs, letters to my parents, short stories and similar writings. When I had a disagreement with either mom or dad, I always ended up writing a letter of apology or one of anger; always checking how much they would endure my tantrums! Okay so I was spoiled; being an only daughter;D

My father once told me that I would indeed grow up to be a writer. That belief somehow grew bigger and has become the only thing I could think of making a reality one day. Believe me, back at school, I would enjoy nothing as much as I enjoyed writing. Even my teachers teased me about my unwillingness and reluctance to let go of the pen whenever I was given the chance to express myself, to speak my mind about any subject or issue. I was good at it, and I would always get an excellent mark that reflected my passion for writing.

So, time went by ever so quickly, and I ended up studying English Literature with a minor in translation at the University. I chose it because I loved it. It has given me all the guidance I needed to become more skilled in what I love; writing. It has intensified and solidified my faith in myself as a good writer, a person who is capable enough of using words to deliver a message, to communicate with people effectively and make a difference in their lives, no matter how insignificant that effect might be. However, the more I write, the more I realize that this is not enough, it is not where I want to stop, but only the beginning of a journey I am willing to take.

“Julie & Julia” was not the trigger to this desire, it was merely a reminder that I should work harder to pursue my dream; the dream of becoming a true writer! To put it right, it was all the inspiration I needed to keep myself going, to finish something I have started but lost the courage and determination to finish, somewhere along the way.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder about me, about this dream I have, about the future I so much want for myself, and the life I wish to lead. There is always this moment when I would ask myself this:

How readable do others think my writings are?
To which extent can I keep people hooked to my words?
Do they see me as a gifted writer?
Do they look forward to reading more of what I have to say?
Are they enthusiastic enough about me, and what I write?? 

The questions would of course go on and on, until I give up thinking, or give in to my fear of pursuing the dream. Sometimes I stumble and fall, and other times I just find myself gathering all the courage in the world and plan for the days to come; the brighter days, the days  that would pave the way for a brilliant future, one of glory and achievement.

As I stand at this crossroads today; asking myself the famous question; Hamlet’s question: To be or not to Be, I find my heart and my mind screaming at me To Be! I think we are all meant to be certain things in life, and to become the people we choose to become, it is just that our choices are what make all the difference, and distinguish one person from another.

For me, I don’t have the slightest shred of doubt as to what I want to become in life. It is just that sometimes I am blinded by this inexplicable and unbearable fear of taking one additional step forward. Sometimes I am once again that little girl with the pony tail; always fearful of falling and never having the strength to stand up again!

To be or NOT to be; that is always the question!