No Face: The first letter..

Remember NO Face?
My imaginary knight on paper?
Today, as promised, you will read my first letter to 'HIM'..
The very first letter..
Which I wrote in April, 1, 2008
Every now and then I will post one of those letters..
 
SO..
With my knight,,
With my love,,
I leave you...

1 April 2008

12:30 am

Dearest No face,

Here I am writing my first letter to you, and it feels damn awkward to do so! I have to admit that I am in a loss for the proper words to use here, but I am not supposed to feel so because our little game here makes it imperatively necessary that you understand me! You are supposed to be ‘THE ONE’, which explains it all! It is true that neither of us knows the other in reality, but let us forget about reality and go for the sweet fantasy. Let’s pretend that we know each other very well; more like soul mates, in which case understanding each

other will be a natural thing for both of us.

I know if you were real, things might turn out differently! But let me ask you this: do not people write diaries as though they were addressing a human, not some inanimate object that cannot do them any good except comfort them of course! Still, this remains a very healthy method of release! Therefore, I thought I would create my own from of diaries, with you as my refuge and my sanctuary!

So, how do we start? I believe people usually start their letters to each other by a greeting! Therefore, here is a big hello to you my sweet; it is great knowing you are here by my side, if only in a sheer fantasy! The funny thing is I feel like I do know you, and by that I mean truly know you! You know, sometimes when I close my eyes at night, I see you in my mind’s eye, and believe me though without a tangible identity do I see you, it gives me pleasure & peace just to live the feeling of having the idea of you in my little world, in my dreams, and my day to day activities!

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you! I always see you standing tall, smiling for me and guarding my every step! I know it sounds crazy, but it does happen and I never want to wake up! Now hear this out, never did you have a face in any of those dreams; it is always a bright spot of light covering your facial features making it impossible for me to complete the image I have for you in my mind! Thus, I have named you “No face”! And don’t worry, not knowing how you’d look like won’t stop me from writing to you, because my heart will lead me to the true you one day, that much I know and that much I believe! You should believe in that too my love, in your heart of hearts you just have to know me, you have to find me! And when you do, I would expect you to read this letter to me aloud;)

I am filling you with surprise, aren’t I?! Well don’t be! Even if the whole idea of me writing to you feels incomprehensible to you, just let it be, and let me be.

I guess I am running out of words here, and it is probably too much for you to take in all at once. So, until my next letter, just remember this: 

To the dream I write,

To a heart wide awake,

To a vision that keeps

Haunting me..

To my blindness

When I lose the way!

Love you,
Zainab

No face!!

For a start, what I am going to present to you here might sound strange and even crazy for those who do not know me, and who would probably question my sanity and wonder whether the whole story is what it is and what I say it is or whether it is a totally different issue that I am not willing to share with you and thus have intentionally manipulated either to delude you or stir your interest and imagination all the same!!

Well, rest in peace because I am doing none of that!! But first let me tell you something that will make it a whole lot easier for you to understand my way of thinking and the reason I have written the letters, some of which you’ll read in my next post!

You know that people have their own different ways of expressing themselves, whether mentally or emotionally. Some opt for talking and letting into the open whatever it is they want to express, some choose to remain silent and analyze their thoughts & feelings on their own and others do that in writing! By now I am sure you know that I belong to the last category! When I do that, I do not do it because I lack the ability to verbally express myself, but because writing is a totally different story for me! Every time I choose to do that, I experience a sense of freedom and peace unlike any I have ever felt! By writing, I find myself and I succeed in capturing a whole new victory regardless of what I write; that is whether it be a pleasant or an unhappy experience.

Of course that does not have to be in the form of a personal journal (diaries), it could always be spontaneous heartfelt scraps of writing that are not necessarily done on a daily basis; just whenever there is a special incident or a certain thought that needs to be passed on to paper, as a memento or a means of achieving spiritual release or comfort!

Now back to my point, or fairytale if you wish to call it that, I have found myself a somewhat unusual way to communicate with myself and speak out my mind! You are dying to know how, aren’t you?

Well, I do this by writing letters, every now and then, addressed to a guy who has no name, no form and no identity! In other words, a person who does not exist in the first place, at least not yet! Yeah yeah I know it is strange, but it is funny and at the same time so very relaxing! But do not worry I do not send them to a magical land or something, I just keep them safe amongst my many other treasures!

You know, I have always believed that speaking your heart to the person you love; your soul mate, is different and feels different no doubt! And although I haven’t found that person yet and I do not know what it feels like to be swept off your feet and have your heart beat crazily for the one & only person who is destined to be eternally yours, I still know by instinct that it is a unique and invaluable experience, which nothing can ever compete with. Thus, it is not wrong at all to refer to it as the very essence & meaning of life!

When reading one of these letters, however, you’d feel as though they were written to a real person, a guy who does exist! I do this on purpose and I do want them to sound genuine and true, or else they wouldn’t be as unusual as they are now!

Every single letter of these is addressed to my imaginary knight, whom I have named “No face”. So, our next stop will be with the very first letter I have written to (No face).

Until then, please wait for me and for “Him” with the same anticipation and enthusiasm!!

A smile for the memories..

It is amazing; the way we manage to summon up a certain memory out of a hundred others welled up deep inside the recesses of our minds!!

The other day, as I was listening to Mariah Carey's "One sweet Day", I found myself smiling uncontrollably and feeling a warm rush of content sweeping through my whole body, leaving me swamped in a strange sense of nostalgia to those old days of childhood!

That song triggered a specific incident and actually took me back to the age of 10 or 11, to that time when I heard this song and got acquainted with the great Mariah Carey for the very first time! To tell you the truth, back then English songs were not really that favoured by me and I almost knew none of the so-called cool singers of that particular generation! Frankly, it didn't really bother me that I was oblivious to all that hubbub!
However, that day I was visiting at my aunt's house and having fun with my cousin Khulood as usual! I am only one year older than her and so we do get along very well. So, that day I heard Mariah's track "One sweet day" and I got hooked instantly!

Let me tell you this, I have this habit of getting attached to things by using my sense of hearing! Believe me, I know from the first moment I listen to any song or music whether it appeals to me or not! And Mariah appealed to me alright! She still does, and still is my favourite female singer ever! Though for me that album remains the best I have heard for her, I do spontaneously buy every single album she releases and I don't question whether it'd be as good as expected or not! Of course, you can guess that I bought that album myself right the next day!

Now, at the age of 26, this very song never ever fails to bring back the same sense of excitement and wonder I had back then! Isn't that exhilarating?! I mean 15 years of my life have passed ever so quickly, transforming everything on its way including me, and yet deep down I know for sure that the child I used to be at that distant moment in time still resides somewhere inside of me; making life more bearable, adding beauty to my days and reminding me that at moments of distress I can always close my eyes, mentally turn back the hands of time to that same day and relive the joy and peace one gets out of being a child; blessed with that total blindness to all the traumas & hardships of life, which of course we cannot, now, but strive to tolerate and deal with even if it hits us right between the eyes!!

God, how many times I have heard people around me mumble to themselves 'If I could only go back in time and be a child once again, if only for a split second'! Cannot say I haven't silently wished for that to happen at certain points in my life, and I know that it is perfectly normal to do so. Yet, we all realize that this does not ever happen in reality, and so there is always the memories left for us to cherish and preserve as priceless gifts bestowed upon us by god to draw on our lips a beautiful smile that time can never erase!

Today, I can tell you that I am happy to have fully lived those moments, and to have smiled and laughed a lot back then. Though grown up and mature I happen to be at this stage of my life, it makes me extremely alive and exuberant to have this somewhat "Silly" yet beautiful smile of remembrance dominating my face and adding a spectacular glow like no other!

Tick.. Tock!!

For a very long time, I have had that strong belief that the night time is not solely dedicated for sleeping, but also a time made for thinking, meditating and contemplating life and endless other thoughts! For that, I sometimes lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and the dark shadows that the moonlight streaming through the curtains casts on the white walls in my room!

At times, I find myself thinking about nothing at all; just delighted at the sheer thought of being able to drift afar with my mind and simply lose myself in that bliss of emptiness & nothingness. Last night, I traveled down a completely different road though, which was neither pleasant nor fruitful with soothing notions!

It started with me, once again giving in to an inescapable touch of insomnia, and feeling intimidated by the sound of the clock ticking up above my head, which never felt more loud or threatening! Usually, I don't pay attention to that sound, and sometimes I don't even hear it at all. yet, I found myself dedicating all my senses to that tick-tock sound last night, which I somehow felt vibrating through my very being! For me, it was not just one sound out of a thousand other sounds we hear everyday. NO, for me it was a painful reminder that time was passing by at the speed of light, not caring to stop if only for a split of a second to give the one of us a break!

I know how strange and even inconceivable this must sound, but it does occur to me sometimes; if only to remind me that everything around us is heading hectically towards change and that nothing ever stays the same! How unfathomable that whole idea felt last night; imprisoning me within the unseen boundaries of a scary little circle of persistent questions, all of which eager to suck up every breath left for me to take, leaving my comfy room totally airless!

I could have questioned my sort of sudden & eerie mood at such a late hour of the night, but I did not! For some unknown reason, I wanted to indulge myself in that inexplicable state of mind, I wanted to surrender, I wanted to lose myself to a delusive sensation I could not analyze or even explain in comprehensible language! For long painful moments, I saw the indecisive part of me, wandering through a dark maze without a way out, and with no trace of salvation looming in the horizon!

Frankly, it did not sound or feel as fearsome as I presumed it would! And only then it dawned on me that we sometimes find it convenient, in a puzzling way, to abandon ourselves to such mental haze; not willing to snap back into focus! As though negligence would, in a way, shield us from reason & reality!

I wanted time to stop dead then and there, so I would never have to work that stubborn brain of mine into providing answers to questions I did not know how to answer, or face my own demons as some would call them- those inner fears deep within- lurking somewhere close to me, anticipating the triumph they'd get out of leaping at me and eating me alive if I ever gave way to them to break my determination or shatter that mental strength I possess, which never ceases to make me proud of who I am!

Well, I wanted the night time to last for ever; with me lying on my bed taking in the lovable surroundings of my room and never having to come to terms with the concept of loss whenever an additional tasteless day adds up to a pile of vacant hours, bleak days; bringing me a step closer to some dead end; with nothing to add flavor or meaning to it!

It is always traumatizing to lead a life that presents itself to you in the form of a series of incomplete dreams and unfulfilled wishes, forcing you to spend your times anticipating a glimpse of hope amidst all that despair, filling you with a strong sense of wonder that you cannot help but resign yourself to; leaving the rein to it to engulf you within its tightly secure cocoon of indecision and confusion.

Yet, through all this chaos, the clock never ever stops ticking! And even as I sit here writing these words, the sound of the ticking remains the only audible truth in the middle of a soundless environment, and I remain here counting the ticks of the clock and whispering to myself: "Tick,, tock"!!

Atonement..

It was 2:30 in the morning, on a Friday night, and me all by myself in dad's office at home- bored and unable to sleep!!

The TV was switched off, so I grabbed the remote control and switched it on; having absolutely no idea as what to watch at that time!! The first channel that came to my mind was 'Rotana Zaman", as I have always been a fan of old Egyptian movies, especially those starring Fatin Hamama, Omer Sherif, Rushdi Abatha or Ahmed Mazhar! God how much I love them all, and do not tell me they did not possess the most irresistible charisma of all at that time;) Well, I do believe they did, and to my utmost bafflement they still manage to sweep me off my feet every time I watch a movie for them!!

However- to my dismay- there was nothing appealing enough to keep me entertained in that particular channel, so I flipped through a number of other channels and I finally reached the "Showtime series". At that time, one of the 'Home Cinemas' was showing 'Atonement'. I couldn't help but get excited at reading the title in the middle of my random search, and I thought to myself: Well, this is it!! This is a movie to be watched wholeheartedly!! Of course it wouldn't have been my first time to see it, for I watched it at the cinema the first week it was released! BUT, it was already the end of the movie, with the list of cast moving before my eyes ever so slowly, when I pressed the number of the channel on the remote control; anticipating an emotionally grabbing experience all over again!!

Nevertheless, I did not change the channel, nor did I switch the TV off in desperation!! It was the music that stopped me dead in my track, seducing my sense of hearing; forcing me to simply give in to its charm and just drift away, not caring to know where or in what land I would end up! Indeed I did travel with both my mind and heart, to a place beyond this cozy little office, and far beyond this dreary land; where I saw myself running barefoot outside that cottage on the beach, traveling down the exact path that 'Cecelia' in the movie followed. I was free.. I was hopeful.. and alive!

The same thing had happened to me at the cinema back then, leaving me glued to my chair; mesmerized by that intense beauty of the magical soundtrack, composed by the brilliant Dario Marianelli. I vividly recall how I felt at that moment; gripped by an indecipherable yet an amazing sensation! It stayed with me even till after I left the cinema headquarters and went home. I was miraculously at peace with myself and the whole world!! I loved the movie, I can assure you of that, but the music was a different story altogether. I have something for acoustics, that I admit.

On that night in my father's office, it had happened again; that music captured me one more time, seeped into my very soul; hypnotized my senses; taking me on a journey I did not want to ever let go of! I remember the way I rested my head on the back of the sofa I was sitting on, the way I closed my eyes and surrendered, totally and willingly, to the melody and that blissful sound!

Now that I am here, writing this post and listening to the full atonement CD, I find myself wondering about those great composers of the greatest ever classics like Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, Tchaikovesky, Vivaldi, Chopin, Bach and many others; and I cannot but feel dumbfounded by their genius and that one of a kind splendour of their musical pieces. Nothing can ever compete with the glory they have reaped through their dazzling music. Yet every now and then someone like 'Dario' comes by, and manages to stun us by music such as that of atonement.

You may ask me, what is so special about atonement's soundtrack?

Well, the answer is as simple as that: it is that deep sense of melancholy coming to life with every stroke on the violin and every caress on the piano keys! It is that vigor it possesses, which makes it sound as though it had a life of its own! It is definitely the feeling of inner peace it masterfully implants deep within, luring me and falling on my ears like a chant of faith and pure content every time I listen to it.!

In short, it is that incomprehensible feeling of the act of atonement materializing right before us, through listening and dedicating the most delicate of senses to appreciate the beauty of music; the magic of translating melodies into never ending sensations!!

Utopia

One summer night,

I stood on the shoreline in awe..

Staring at the stars above,,

Breathing in that saltish breeze I know!!

A thought, maybe two, crossed my mind..

Tantalizing my soul,,

Forcing me to open my eyes wide!!

Was it "Utopia" coming to life

before my eyes??

Or the one dream my heart craves to find?!

So surreal it had looked..

So celestial..

So full of grandeur!!

There it emerged..

A Utopian vision..

A sweet temptaion,,

To whom only (I) belonged!!

A bliss it would have been

to embrace the reverie..

Drift afar..

Even melt away..

 That very night!! 

5th August 2008

Laws of attraction!!

How many times have you looked at a face you happened to come across-by sheer coincidence- and knew at that exact moment that it would somehow make a difference and possibly change the course of your life forever?

How many times have you passed by someone, not knowing who it is and not stopping to look at their face, yet a gut feeling appears out of the blue, persistently telling you to slow down and sneak if only a quick glance at that face! And to your utmost surprise, you do just that without knowing why you did it in the first place!!

Is it chemistry?
Is it magic?
Or is it just another inexplicable phenomenon, which we have long stopped looking for a rational explanation for!?

Well, I guess it is the outcome of having all those possibilities blended together! Which makes it the more puzzling!

Honestly, I do find it extremely strange the way we are attracted to certain people in life, as though an invisible power draws us to them, making us want to be close to them, if only to sense their existence and bask in the feeling of content we get out of that closeness!

Sometimes we do not stop to ask ourselves why, or analyze that turmoil of crazy feelings battling inside of us, causing us to act funny sometimes! All we know is that an unseen chord is linking us to a particular soul, bringing us a step closer to that irresistible aura its beholder seems to possess!

Is that how people develop an affection toward each other? Is that how they fall in love? I really cannot say, for I have always wondered how it'd feel like to have your heart pound in a chaotic rhythm just thinking of its true desire, conjuring their face or even uttering their name!

It is true that every single person has an aura of his own, different from anybody else's! Amazingly, it can either attract you to it the way a butterfly is attracted to light, or drive you miles away; filling you with an eerie sense of disaffection, which you repeatedly fail to analyze or understand!

Yet again, there are those few personalities who fill you with pure wonder, to the extent that you feel undecided whether it is liking or dislike you feel for them! strangely though, you begin to ask yourself endless questions about their true nature and that clear inner reflection of their soul, once they drop their mask of aloofness and indifference. Deep down, you know their is a depth to them they choose not to show, which they expertly disguise, making it even more frustrating for you to understand the identity of what really lies behind that unfathomable appearance!!

And so you remain in a state of puzzlement, not knowing why you are so curious to unveil the truth about who those people truly are!! And no matter how much of an expert you are at reading people's minds by looking into their eyes, some remain immune to your expertise!!

Thus, you just feel as though you were going against a brick wall over and over again! Eventually, you shun away, opting to let time reveal the mystery for you!

Sometimes it does happen, and sometimes not! I guess it is just laws of attraction, as some may put it!!

A time to say goodbye!

It is never easy to say goodbye, to part with people who have lingered in your life long enough for you to get used to their presence and cherish the times you spend with them! And it is even harder to have someone sneak out of your life smoothly and guilt-free without even waving a hand of goodbye to you!

One minute they are there at your side, smiling at you, promising you sunny days and reassuring you of always being there for you, the next minute they are gone; just as simple as that!

Genuinely, it has always striked me as baffling the way people keep hurting each other, not stopping for a second to question what they have done or weigh the amount of pain and heartache their ruthless acts must have brought upon people who have trusted them, supported them, stretched a helping hand to them at their times of need, and foremost loved them-unconditionally- without waiting for any favor in return!! But as the saying goes: (What is done cannot be undone)!

Yeah I do agree that at times it is easy to take a hurtful word back or right a minor wrong and even make it up to those you have hurt! But what about the emotional mess you have left behind? What about those loads of deep and incurable wounds you have inflicted on people whose one and only mistake was to let you into their circle of beloved ones! Unthinkable, isn't it?!!

I used to think, or even believe, that people's capacity to love and readiness to cure others by far exceeds that inclination to hurt! How nice and comfortable it is to see the outside world, with all its occupants, through the goodness that lies inside of you! I know!! Yet, sometimes it is better to break free from that dreamy and rainbow-like bubble and wake up to reality, and what a dreadful reality it could be at times! That I have certainly learned!

Now, I know that in life we are bound to come across all sorts of people, some of whom bring sunlight into our days and others excel in turning the light into utmost darkness! Though heartbreaking and devastating this could be, we can always look at the bright side of it, even though I agree that at first glance it would appear as though there is nothing but trauma and grief awaiting to engulf us and shut all hope out! But that is the way of things in real life, we learn to do some things right by making a few mistakes, and we definitely learn to appreciate the smile after shedding tears of pain!

Yes I have been hurt a thousand times, but the consolation I find in that is the fact that this is actually what has made me who I am at the present time, a strong soul willing to conquer the unconquerable!! And believe me, whenever despair threatens to break me, I remember that what does not kill me, no doubt makes me stronger!!

So, here I am today: standing tall and smilingly waving a hand of goodbye to every tear, every wound and every painful memory lurking in the recess of my mind! For now is truly the time to say goodbye to all.

A Love Letter!!!

I know how hard writing tends to be sometimes! I know it can break you to know that you have what it takes to become a good writer, yet you find yourself unable to present a coherent and graspable thought to whoever is interested in reading your words!

This has been happening to me for sometime now, and all I can say here is that this is driving me to destruction! Truth is, I have been trying to post something on my blog for days but to no avail! My mind is crowded with a hundred thoughts that long to be set free and are screaming for release, BUT nothing comes out on paper!!

However, luck has knocked on my door unexpectedly today, and for that I am truly grateful! Here is what happened:

As I sat at my desk at work early in the morning, a cup of steaming delicious tea in my hand and a number of newspapers in front of me, waiting to be read, a title grabbed my attention in the Bahrain Tribune, it said: "Love letter jigsaw takes 15 years"!!

Honestly, I do not know what it was that halted my quick monitoring of that specific page, I just felt that slight twinge of interest and curiosity in my heart, telling me stop right there, read this!! Strange how the mind reacts to certain things and therein arouses a particular reaction towards them, isn't it?! Anyways, I cast my cup aside, though normally nothing will make me do this, roused from my morning sleeplessness and dedicated all my senses to reading this piece of news! Guess what, it was about a man who spent 15 years piecing together 2,000 fragments of love letters to his late wife which she tore up when she caught someone reading them!! Can you believe this?? The guy is now 82, and he wrote 98 letters to his wife during the 7 years he spent traveling Europe as a farm worker!

That is not the end of the story though, hear this out: he began putting the pieces back together in 1993 and has just completed the laborious task, 3 years after his wife died! Not only that, he started by separating the corners and center pieces, which were more than 20 and made up more than 2,000 fragments (some smaller than a thumbnail), then progressed putting them all together by spending an hour everyday for 15 years!! Now he is finally done, and guess what? He is planning to write a book based on his letters to his late wife, Molly.

Honestly, what do you make out of that? For me, this is almost a fairy tale that rarely happens in real life! I mean, people tend to become more and more materialistic as days pass, which has left no time for emotions for some! Of course I am not generalizing here, for I still think there are men out there who would stop at nothing to make their beloved ones truly happy! But this much romance? Lucky her!

I am not a pessimist when it comes to love, not at all! Nevertheless, I find it quite hard to believe that a man like Ted Howard, our protagonist here, exists in multitude! However, I cannot be a hundred percent sure, for to me "Love" remains a dream to be realized one day; my knight in shining armor has not yet arrived! So the judgment remains to you dear reader, and I genuinely hope you have found that kind of love!

Just to make your heart thump the way mine did when I read this letter, here is part of one of Ted's letters to his Molly:

"Well, my dear, I am looking forward to seeing you again. It seems months since Sunday when I last saw you. There does not seem to be a lot more to write about, my love, so until we meet again, I send you all my love, from your ever loving sweetheart, Ted"!

So, with this glimpse of that Romeo-like love, I leave you. And believe me, if it doesn't pleasure you as much as it did me, it would at least draw a smile of wonder on your lips.

And yeah, all that morning drowsiness I suffered from just minutes ago, has seeped out of my door, leaving my heart light like a feather!

Remembrance

A muffled moan of pain,
a sound I remember

That face in anguish,
that look of innocent wonder!

So close to the truth we came,
so close to surrender!

Yet he withdrew.. Simply ran!
leaving my wound exposed and tender!

Am I to question love?
Am I to leave?
Or am I to linger?!

14 July 2008